For whom the bell tolls

(yesterday evening)
Fuck all that god damn noise..
The bells, whistles, and all that happy horse shit. The fuck I look like for one..I can't trust yo ass for shit..which is why I said you might "pinch my sack" or shoot me how ever you would want to take it. I can't keep taking the blows you deal to me and still seek comfort from you, it makes no sense.

Maybe im just not strong enough. I can't seem to do it. This push pull back and fourth. I put up a good fight today though. Do I continue fighting it, do I push myself and you away. I don't want to see the end of this story..there is no way it will end except tragically for me. I don't know if I should run, I'm sad..I'm lost...I always end up alone, which is why I feel so bitter.

(Today)
Anyways yesterday I had five missed calls from B and then later when he finally got in touch with me I had nothing but attitude towards him and I was just asking him what kind of favor or what did he need help with. He didn't like my attitude but I picked him up anyways attitude and all just so I could have some company. He told me I was being "off" and wanted to know why..I didn't really want to get into my feelings cause I'm on my "fuck the world" ish right now. Anyways he played black ops and I watched the whole time then we just sat talking..he had a whole lot on his mind..and I couldn't believe he tried to come at me on some sideways shit like I helped contribute to whatever issues he's having now. HAH. I was irked by that because he was like they knew you came to see me or talked to me in jail after I had asked you not to say anything but it's like hello you don't think people can piece that shit together for themselves. Anyone that even remotely knows you..or remotely knows me would probably know that shit or figure that out, even if I did deny it or had an alibi.

It was hot and he took off his shirt and we were talking about his tan lines because I had noticed he had gotten quite a bit of color since the last time I had seen him.  I took his shirt and put it over his face/eyes so he couldn't see. Don't ask me why..but from there I just ran my fingers up and down his arm. He said "you abuse me" O.O whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? I was like wow what the hell,way to jump to the conclusion that I was going to go farther than that. I was super bothered by that so I took it off him and left him alone.

Oh so excuse me that I sit here and listen to all your stupid ass problems and issues that you have with everyone and want you just to shut up and relax sometimes. I rarely ever get to enjoy him in a relaxed state of mind. It's so frustrating. It's like shut up and go to sleep.

Then he was like if that's how you're going to be towards me I don't think I would ever talk to you again. SHEESH. I was not going to rape you. Holy Shit. Then I listened to him talk some more blah blah blah he talked a lot..I took him home he was saying how if I'm working against him he doesn't want to talk to me blah I got upset..more blah..He was like why are you upset? Why are you crying? and I was like I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT STICK BY YOU AND YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING NERVE. He hugged me and told me to chill out and left. BLAH. haha.

I wish he would leave..I wish he and Keesha would move somewhere else.

I'm just most irked by how much shit he talked to me while he was in jail about how much he missed me and blah dee dah and now he's treating me like he is.

I'm going to explain what I meant earlier in the first paragraph. Right after I picked him up he asked me if I would be around him if he had a gun. I said well as long as you don't shoot me. He was like wow, how can you say that. That's like saying "don't pinch my sack (of bud) because that person is pinching it" it's like a guilt trip kind of. I was like no nigga just cause you say one thing do something else how do I know you might say "no of course not" and do the opposite. Just like you cheated on me..or did you forget that because now we're just friends. He was like we crossed a line past friendship already it's like yeah but now you are trying to take steps backwards. I'm starting to feel like I can actually do what I was meant to and let you not mean shit to me.

Yeah here, gone..who gives a fuck. I'ma do me with or without you like I said..because at least now I can. He said the problem with people is that they don't let the past go, because they don't they can't move forward. It's like no, what you don't understand about the world is that you can't go treading on people and say sorry, can we move forward and expect things to be okay. You can't keep fucking up and expect things to be O-kay. This is reality. Shit is not okay. Your behavior is not O-fucking-kay. What don't YOU understand. This is why people don't fuck with you or want to fuck with you. I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I waste my damn time. I fight myself constantly. He made a point to say that he's been with me 3 out  of the 4 days I've had off in the last two weeks. I'm wondering why am I wasting it with someone who doesn't give two fucks about me and if I'm O-fucking-kay. He thanks himself for me hating the world. I'm aggravated. But it is my own doing. Thank you Thank you I know I know and I will not be told. But at least I don't point the finger at anyone for that. I have the mirror for that.

I could keep going but that's all for now.

One thing I had forgotten to mention that I want to make a mental note of was something he told me he said to Wiggs (a friend of mine that he tatted last week)

"One thing I like about you is that although you can't relate, you understand. Keesha on the other hand can relate but doesn't understand"