Don't say the M word

How wrong is it that one of the bouncers we made friends with at our local hangout was insisting that I keep my glasses off and next time have my hair curly..then we find out his girlfriend kinda looks just like me except her hair is curly, sometimes she wears glasses but they are the same frames as mine.  When he was asked about the girlfriend thing he said he "kinda" had a girlfriend.  They have been together quite some time at least 10 months. That shit is crazyyyy.  I don't want to be a twin! lol

Anyways, I went to my appointment on Christmas Eve about this lymph node and the ultrasound of it was done..the technician was pretty surprised it seemed at the size of it..she said "That's not normal" and that it's too big. It's the right supraclavicular lymph node that we are keeping a watch on at the moment.

My next appointment in on January 2nd. I initially was at the ER on December 2nd so this has been going on a monthwith no real sense of what's going on. They have not done any blood work or anything.

I read two important things:
"Supraclavicular nodes are the most worrisome for malignancy"

 "Patients with unexplained localized lymphadenopathy who have constitutional symptoms or signs, risk factors for malignancy or lymphadenopathy that persists for three to four weeks should undergo a biopsy" which is hopefully why we have been waiting but I'm pretty sure it is the next step from here.

I read some things to my mom and she was like don't say the "M" word.."M" meaning malignant. I mean it definitely has to be considered though.

Here's some important articles:
http://www.aafp.org/afp/1998/1015/p1313.html

http://www.doctorslounge.com/oncology/diagnosis/lymph_node/cervical.htm


I guess we shall see.

So to update I got a call back from my doctor's office and I guess the radiologist suggested that they do another ultrasound in 6 weeks.  February 5th.  I also got a call back from the Mayo Clinic, they accepted my request to be seen but ask for $650.00 upfront, which I don't have so womp womp for now.

The Giver

Two days ago- I do believe that great things are attainable and that I am destined for great things. I believe that these lessons we learn in life are just that, thus we can appreciate and have a greater understanding and have better knowledge in the future. I have always said my heart has been a blessing. I give, I love to give. And no matter the hurt that I have come from I always find it within myself an amazing capacity to give. It is my blessing and I gratefully share that with others. Those that have been placed in your life have been placed there for a reason. Strategically.

 Yesterday- Today I took the time to think about all the attention. To those who are trying to attempt at some ME time they need to step their game up. Why should I? What makes YOU so valuable? Are you a stray cat? What are the positives/negatives and do I find you intriguing. It is what it is. A wise man told me yesterday that I need to stay away from stray cats and he was right, the men that I seem to like

 Last night- Life. One can say that no one will understand its workings with a genuine and full comprehension. Although, it can be said that it is ever so carefully orchestrated and tailored to each individual in a multifaceted learning experience. I say this..it is not about the frustration of not knowing now but the appeasement in knowing that there is always a reason. When we feel broken, when we feel hopeless, when we feel used..there is a deeper beauty and sense of enlightenment that is to be experienced. Take comfort in that.

Doing It Wrong

This lil bit is from last Friday I believe. "I have a good good heart when it comes to those important to me. I have never claimed to be pure. I am human. I am inherently contentious of conscious decisions or its it the other way around, I wonder. But do note that it is duly noted that I do not specify whether i am referring to that of my own or others."

On to other things.

So B is in jail right now facing 4 criminal charges..

1. Domestic Battery By Strangulation
2. Kidnapping 1st Degree
3. Battery With A Deadly Weapon
4. Carrying a Concealed Weapon

It seems almost crazy to me that this all happened over the weekend, he had just spoken to me on Friday.  I spoke to two of his Auntie's yesterday they both said he had her get naked and then he strangled her (Keisha) with a phone charger cord.  I don't know what it is between himself and Keisha that would make him act like that.  He and I never got into it, I've been plenty angry with him but nothing even remotely close to violence.  Okay so I did see him kick a cat once but still.  He never ever raised his voice let alone a hand when It came to me.

I remember one time we were riding around the three of us and the two of them were arguing and I just sat there listening.  She didn't know when to just be quiet.  I'm no push over but sometimes you just need to be quiet for the sake of the argument.  & I hate to argue especially if it's over something stupid or menial.

That fool. I don't know what his deal is..he looks to me for help but I'm like "well, what the hell you want me to do" and he says "everything would've been alright had I just stayed with you" UHHHH YA THINK? All of his family knew that when he was with me things were okay and that he'd be okay no matter where we were.  No one ever had to worry about him when he was with me.  Dumbass. Well "que sera sera" right?  I'm on to other things.

I'd like to title this one "Doing It Wrong." Because obviously he's doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong too though but in my own way.  I'm still fighting hurt feelings, sad feelings, fits of rage here and there and although I called it rage I rage only on the inside and I know it isn't healthy. My hands get hot and red.  I've been wanting to sink into these feelings with alcohol as my companion.  These dudes on the other hand...I don't know what I'm doing or trying to do. I know I won't feel any better but I just feel like I'm detached and I don't care.  I'm going out and doing whatever and don't really care.  Let's not get that twisted though mmmkay. I just feel like I'm talking to any and everyone who will talk back regardless of their intention I have none so It's just like wooooooo blahhhh.

But in a sense I am better.  I'll figure things out later cause right now it doesn't matter.

Someone just walked past my store and was like "EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL AND DON'T APOLOGIZE" That was pretty awesome haha.

Welcome Back

-So this is my official welcome back to the person I didn't want to be. The pursuant increased. It's like they sense it. No matter..but I might feel bad for them now. It's a dangerous time for anyone who even dare thinks to try to get close to me. Its guaranteed pain. Oh yes, the captain is back and sorrow no more. Maybe bitter but not sorrow. Sarcastic and funny. 

-A Friday B hit me up on facebook and asked me what he should do because apparently he was facing jail time. I told him to turn himself in. Assuming he did, I got a one minute call from Clark County Jail/Detention Center from him. I asked how much time he was doing and he said he wasn't sure and thinks they would take him all the way to the top, whatever that means, but it depends on his court date. I also told him a few days ago that he needs to stop. He needs to actually listen to people worth listening to instead of all the wrong people. I also told him to stay out of the bullshit.

-I have never steered him wrong.  I have always been a good friend to him. I'm not wasting a shit ton of money so he can reach out to me though.  I had lunch today with someone who knows him and he asked why is it he reached out to me and I just laughed. I don't know, I guess cause it's me.

-I have a good good heart when it comes to those important to me. I have never claimed to be pure. I am human. I am inherently contentious of of conscious decisions. But do note that it is duly noted that I do not specify whether i am referring to that of my own or others.

Did I have anything else to say? I don't think so.

Fear of Floods

I wasn't expecting today to go the way it did, maybe let alone yesterday or anything or day for that matter.
It wasn't even twenty four hours that I've been "single" and I could feel somewhat of a boom happen..like the flood gates were let open.  It started with the phone number I was given.  And then someone else that always asks me too many questions and he walked in on my mom and I having a conversation and the whole why are you sad and then it was like "oh what you're single..I'm gonna find a way to waste time in here with you" basically.  And then another who was asking if it was his turn to have a chance with me cause all he'd ever asked me for was a chance.  Talk about overwhelming.  Especially because one was talking about wrapping his arms around me and I'm thinking to myself "oh God no."

Then I realized a reflection in ways of B in my most recent ex...the one who hurt me was trying to comfort me, sit there and hold me while I sat there heartbroken..crying.  I had to force myself to get up and leave.  It's oddly enough comforting in a fucked up way.  And also I realized earlier that there are a type of people out there who need  to drink excessively before they destroy someone else but that only when they know they have to do it for their own reasons.  And the shift in attitude when that happens as well.  I didn't know that B wasn't the only one like that.

What I don't understand was why tell me that I'm not alone and then leave me. Especially while I have a world of madness around me and I needed that, I needed to be kept grounded. It's got me messed up.  And then others seemingly malicious intent.  Okay maybe I took that a step too far but it feels like an attack to me. Because I am vulnerable. But at the same time the attention doesn't always seem too bad.

And then there was a shift in my own mood. I was sad pretty much all morning, cried a bit this morning then late in the afternoon it switched, I felt anger. I felt like he copped out.  I'm not typically one to quit and my gut instinct tells me there was more to it.  I know better and my gut instinct has never been wrong.  My sarcasm..my anger..my defense mechanism.  There is a fit of rage in my heart and its unhealthy but that's my way of knowing just how much it meant to me...my feelings crept up on me and I can appreciate that because it is rare in me to let a person get a real hold of something tangible in me and that in its self if dangerous.  I have learned that the hard way.

So when I was told by one of the guys today that it'd be worth it to let me let him hold me and blah blah blah winky face and shit.  That's all bad. That's not me.  I can't do that. I'm still so sad inside. More than I really should be...according to me.

I feel lost in things.  I wasn't expecting the flood of tears. I wasn't expecting the flood of emotion.  I wasn't expecting the flood of interaction.  I just don't know at all right now.

Coincidences

So today I was talking to my gal Julie in El Paso about things and she quoted a lyric from Fleetwood Mac-Dreams.

One day (I believe it was last week) I had the song on repeat while I was sitting waiting on Rev to get home from his haircut.

My blog post last night after we broke up was also titled Dreams.

I said in my post yesterday "I keep my dreams to myself" Stevie Nicks sang "I keep my visions to myself"

none of this hit me until Julie said "players only love you when they're playing"

Funny thing about coincidences...

Dreams

Dreams that would come to a screeching halt found here
This day would mark heartbreak..heartache..and being "alone" once more.
A long winding road lies ahead in a dream.
I don't know how to feel right now.
But I know how I feel.
Back to feeling empty.
Back to feeling sad..over all sad..all over again sad..mostly sad for myself.
It is the way of life though and these things do happen.
It's what strips me of my faith.
It's what strips me of my hope.
It's what strips me of my dreams.
It's what bears down when I already feel down.
I was happy.  I had a reason to be happy. (this is not to be confused with grateful because I am always grateful)
but I wanted to be happy. I thought I could be happy.  More than anything.
I was overjoyed at first.  I believed in magic.  Now I'm just a lost girl without a hand to hold again.
Nothing to hold on to.  I very much dislike not having a place to invest my emotions.  A place where I can keep them or at least focus them.
I know how much it doesn't seem. I live a life that's full of dreams. I keep these dreams all to myself.
I hide behind my outer shell.  Most don't get me. Most never will.
I really wanted this to be real.  I did.  With every ounce of me.
It's just going to hurt now. It's gonna burn. It's gonna sting,
with every tear that falls.
I don't want to dream any dreams.

Things keeping me awake

So for about a month I had noticed a lump just above my collarbone around the time before I left for Miami. It had been causing mild discomfort here and there and some tension along the right side of my neck. Yesterday I had finally gotten sick of it and decided to get it taken care of so I went to the ER and the news I was given was not the best. Basically they couldn't do anything for me there but said it could be cancer. I was asked about chest pains and night sweats and obviously I'm awake right now. Why? Well I'd noticed I was sweating. I thought back to when I was in Miami and remember specifically having lunch one day with my friends and my chest was hurting pretty much the entire time and I was enough for me to sit there kinda alarmed at it but I didn't say anything. So now at 4:19am I'm awake and wondering. Everything I read online is freaking me out. I needed to share that.

Chill Out Bruh

So I'm over here working on a bunch of homework and one of our papers for my 217 class is called an "I am" piece and then I thought about one girl in my class who every single paper we have ever had to write has been about her husband and them getting married and falling in love. Well besides being sick and tired of hearing about it. I thought what if that was a cover up.  Because it seems way too forced for it to even seem right.  Almost like she is trying to convince us of something like that they are that in love or something.  I wonder if that makes sense.  Why does she feel the need to only EVER talk about her husband. She somehow always relates it to him.  We get the point but it's overkill if there is nothing wrong with their relationship.  Either that or she's obsessed and in that case it's like CHILL OUT BRUH.  First of all it sounded like bologna.  They met at a party and boom love at first sight and next thing ya know they are married. Give me a break and not a piece of a kit kat bar, I don't even like kit kat.  Just wanted to say that. I mean good for you if you're happy and in love that's all good and gravy but just chill the fuck out.

Bitch Don't Kill my Vibe

Thinking about what happened yesterday and just thinking about how when we were kids we didn't know anything at all but claimed to know so much.  So righteous.  Funny how I can see it now.  How much we really don't know. How deeply we can feel.  How these things can effect us long after and the changes we all go through.  I thought on him now and realized I don't know him at all. There is nothing left of the person I once knew.

These evenings when I have too much time on my hands and I sit and contemplate the inner workings of my mind.  I realize sometimes I want someone to listen to. To just speak to me.  Even if they are saying nothing at all, I just want to listen.  It's kinda like an embrace without the physical touch.  A voice can be soothing, a voice can be comforting, especially when you're alone or feel alone.

Sometimes..man...I can't even explain it.  But I just know.  I'm not omniscient but I just know, about lots of things.

I can tell when I'm getting half heartedness or maybe I can just pretend to know...cause isn't that just it? Aren't we all just pretending.

Just love me please.  Appreciate me.  Be real. Give me you. Hold me, hold me so that I can feel it.  Let me feel it, let me know.  My legs are tired from running, but if I must keep running, I will.

For Running

Listening to:  Keisha's song (her pain)

"And in her heart she hate it there but in her mind she made it to where nothing really matters.." Kendrick Lamar 

I am a product of quantum physics
& Rhetorical questions
I'm familiar with the relevance of the residents, she of which we speak.
Do not shy away, wipe away the cries of mornings past of nights lust..lost
shadows of hope..
faith..innocence amongst the tyranny that is...
Be mindful of your actions
Be mindful of your words
Of your quiet thoughts that speak without your wishes..
That seep through your pores and bequeath the very breath you take.
Taken..so much in life is taken..taken but not given..given for granted? No always taken.
Always broken. Always shattered. Always silent. Always..always..remorseful..rueful..PLAYFUL? shameful. For shame..for bitter shame.

Three Words

So today I stopped to consider a female "friend" although I kinda consider her more of an actual acquaintance. Shes always saying t "I love you" to us/our group. Today I was the only she saw and it hit me. She said it and I kinda was like "Okay bye!" Just was awkward. I can't do it haha. I've only ever uttered those words to family and my best friend. The only exception was my one ex that I have mentioned as Dynasty and it took me about 8 months to even spit out. And frankly I think I have a problem with those words as it is. People toss em loosely, unknowingly, unthinkingly..me..I refuse to even let it come out. I thought about a once realization I had in my car (as always in my car) about not wanting to "love" someone knowing that it wasn't love or even if it was it was unrequited love. All bad. And I would never openly admit it either because I knew it was false. Later to have that same person lie in my face and tell me they "loved" me...disgusted moment that was. I don't think its right to say if its a lie, I don't think its right to say unless it is unconditional. I think its safe to say, I think I rather never hear it than to hear it and it be a lie.

Later that evening (lol)
here I am, I came back to this.

Digging Holes

Certain things I can't mention but I'll do what I can on here for now. I'd been away from my blog for a what seemed like a while for me. It was nice to get away from Arizona too bad the time away wasn't completely stress free. Drama happened, crying and feeling helpless at one point. Blah blah blah.

Onwards and upwards. It's the holiday season again. I've always always always hated the holidays. Maybe this year will be different. I'm just going to try my best to implore positivity. So long as I can stay out of this stupid mall I don't see it being much of a problem.

 So I just did the calculations to see how my working sched. will change and only to find that I'm going from working 56 hours to 48. Ugh. Only an 8 hour difference.

I want so badly to be balanced in my life and to be serene and happy. My whole life has/had been a struggle. Listening to Frank Ocean-Pyramids today

Things have been moving so quickly it seems too.  My agitation is running on high..like right now my mom is on the phone and being loud and I can't think straight and the shit they are talking about is like really..."what color is the meat tenderizer" come on.  I want to blast the music and drift away.  I've been waiting for her to be here and actually do some work so I can eat my breakfast because all she's been doing is rug shopping, looking at puppies and bullshitting on the phone. And then asking me why I'm breaking peoples $20's it's like well if you'd like to step and do some work, ya know run your stupid ass store that you made me move out here for that would be great.

Hold up, lemme cool my jets.

So much feisty-ness going on. Which leads me to my next point. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving just because I want to spend some quality time with my bed.

I'll lighten up, I just gotta get out of here.  I left the bullshit to come back to the bullshit. This setting is not for me. I don't know how else it can be said or shown. It makes me mean and I don't need that and nobody likes that.

The last few weeks have been kinda overwhelming,  and the issue that came up that made me feel helpless and upset really hit me somewhere deep.  Just makes me want to be held for hours.

Enemy

B done lost his mind. I was so sleepy and he was talking to me about how he has court on the 19th but plans to run and was talking about how he was thinking of asking his one cousin if he could come back out here and I was like dude don't ask me anything I don't talk to them so I don't know, I don't fuck with them at all.  I did tell him that they probably would just try to use him just like before.  Like leeches. He called me and I remember the phone ringing and I don't have his number saved so I looked at it and put it back down. and next thing ya know I wake up with these texts from him he was callin' me his love and shit. I said to myself "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO" I thought about telling him this morning that he should just turn himself in and do his time instead of running and making things worse. Idiot.

He better not come out here..I'm not helping him. Before he got his phone cut off he was tryna ask me about sending him money smh..I didn't respond and he didn't mention it again since.  

I brought up being like Carlos again and how he thinks he's just gonna talk to me in his manipulative way and wedge himself where he doesn't belong and expect me to cave in.  I said it before he isn't going to pry himself back to where he doesn't belong.  I'm not throwing away everything for something/someone so stupid.  The fuck I look like.  I listen. I always listen.

The Way Things Were.

So I spoke to Dynasty today via facebook and he tried to tell me that I own him money for the things that I paid for to have put in the car.  Obviously he's delusional, I paid for everything. I was the one sitting here having to play catch up on car payments that he was supposedly paying.  Just like when he lied to me about being on vacation when he had quit his job. He tried to go back and say he took care of me and left his job to take care of me. Bull fuckin shit. Saying that he'll be nice to me if I pay him $2,000. That he'll put the grudge behind him if I pay him, in that case he can keep his grudge. I told him that I'm not about to sit here and argue because obviously we see things differently.  He said I'm the reason he is how he is..he's the reason I am how I am! That he went through a life changing event, but so did I. Okay so you remember everything like it was yesterday. I DO TOO. I remember how everything felt. Of course it wasn't the way things had been with B but believe me the first cut is the deepest. I told him over and over that I wasn't going to get into what happened between us. Just that I understand that he and I don't see things the same and that's that. I wasn't going to be the one to sit there and yell at him like he'd done over and over before and he said that's why he doesn't talk to me cause he doesn't want to argue but if you think about it it's more than that. I could sit there and talk about the bullshit he did up until the day I left New Jersey and every single lie that I remember. But what good would it do me?  Really though? No I refuse to throw that shit in his face.  I don't sit there and tell him how he fucked me up emotionally with all the bullshit and how I still have problems and have ever since. No no of course not.
But don't dare harp on me if you yourself are not God. I never claimed to be miss innocent, I never claimed to be perfect. I fessed up. I owned my bullshit (even if it was eventually) and I have shot straight ever since.  You, you never would fess up which is cool because like The Weeknd said 'I know everything' I won't forget a damn thing cause I have the memory of an elephant and I take down these memoirs hopefully for some sense of peace within myself. And I let you go.  You forced it out of me but eventually I did it.  And I'd been colder than ever after that. I was young and I was hurt and I was bitter and I did some messed up stuff and I hurt other people in return that I didn't necessarily mean to hurt.  I had never felt that kind of pain before in my life.  I remember crying for hours from Pennsylvania all the way back to New Jersey.  I remember it all. So by me being able to hear you out and not lash out at you is a huge sense of maturity I would say on my behalf.  You were cold when you met me.  I took a that part of you with me.
Oh and things will be all better for some money. Get the fuck outa here with that bullshit.
Then have the nerve to like my facebook status. -__- I'm so not amused. And I know after that surprisingly long conversation he thinks he's being funny.
What kills me is that the other day I was driving I can't remember exactly which day or where I was going or coming from but I was thinking about how I'm definitely not the best looking girl or the smartest or the fittest or whatever but I try my damnedest to do what I can for those I care about..or those who manage to get close enough to me better yet.  Ahhh this blog post is getting too long and I'm rambling again. I'm done ranting though.

Twenty-Eight

This song...
I'm gonna write to this one for sure once I sit down with it and my thoughts. I know exactly when too.  I'm hoping I can knock out most of my homework/papers that I have to write so that I can actually enjoy myself  a little while I am away.

Effervescent Thoughts

Part One:

Do you hope and aspire to dream the dreams of things your past could not provide you with..take the time to meditate on the things that take precedence in your life. Are you motivated? Are you captivated? Are you inspired? What do these words mean to you if anything..or are you just a feeble mind who lacks such an inquisitive nature..would you dare be so meek to live among the unquestionable minds..just some food for thought..



Part Two:

I will spill these words upon the canvas as they have wrought and fought against my brainstem screaming for a way out.

Our spirits broken, our hearts rused and jaded. How can we truly begin again? O to be but a child with fresh eyes, fresh spirit, untainted soul, and unbroken heart.

Are we but indentured servants to these life experiences?

Is it unquestionable, unthinkable..to try to wish? To conjure up a way to be freed of our duly oppressed selves..only to be critiqued by oneself?! Over and over in madness and in torture..

Does history repeat itself? Do sinners who repent learn not but what they do but rather what they mean?! Who they curse?

Who's blessed good heart they run riot upon and wild like savageous weeds among the garden. The worm and infestation in the apple. The cancer in thy body? Is it you?! Are we all forsaken here? Are we but the same people living the same lives only to be doomed like a tragic hero by ourselves. The tears that have once shed that damned precursor for the future has gathered with every wave and every roll in the ocean. With every emotion felt within the tide itself. Gravity to blame? How would one escape gravity exactly?



This was in the works last night, part one's inspiration came to me while I was driving (the worst of times o_O) and I managed to get everything down on inkpad notepad via mostly speech to text. B hit me up yet again last few days, talking about how he hates sleeping alone. I keep our conversations bare minimum or at least try to. He gets dissatisfied and stops so I win. Yesterday he said something about being a liar and I went off on him basically and told him if he wants to talk shit to me why does he even bother texting me. His phone is off so he uses some app and is always texting me from new/different phone numbers. At the time I was thinking "you love to bother me because I'm all you fuckin have" it's really dumb..he really has no one else in the world left to bother I think. Most of the time he leaves me alone so that's good.

on a more strange note..dynasty hit me up on fb completely out of the blue..he and I don't speak unless it's about the car which I almost have paid off..less and a grand left so thank GOD. He sent a message and all it said was "weird ass" I asked him what and he said what nothing. So I said why did you say that he said no reason so I said you're the weird ass then..he said "just wanted to talk" which is strange..he doesn't ever just want to talk. Strange..just strange. Oh well.

Rambling again

So tell me when'd you lose your innocence?
When'd you lose your present tense?
The motions we all go through
is there a purpose for us to reminisce?
What about the intent? What about the relent?
Got washed up on the shore without a reason or a sacrament.
What about the aftermath? What about that woman's wrath?
The grapes been sour far too long
for you to even try to make wine of that.
I won't try to take it, won't bring it back
the sake of heart is what we all would lack

I was irritated as hell yesterday cuz one of B's friends from Durango kept callin me and callin me so eventually I got out of work and called him back like look dude, I'm not with him..he ain't wit me. And then I was probed with "well what happened..but you were all he talked about..why would he leave you.." yadda ya. I was like dude, here's his number you can hit him up. I let B know that some guy was hitting me up lookin for him and at first he said he wasn't gonna hit him back but I was like he can't be calling me especially cause I was with my dude and I wasn't tryna have him feeling any type of way either.  So he ended up sayin he was sorry and would hit him up. Later that night B was still talkin to me about how he and I was just a matter of bad timing. I told him nah it wasn't. The outcome wouldve been the same regardless.  He also said he got served a protection order against/from Keesha that she bruised her legs and try to say he did it. WHATEVERS!

Right now..I'm cool on everything and everyone.  So many people so full of bullshit everywhere all around us all the time. Even when you least expect it. Even when you hope for the best.  Even when you're positive majority of the time you get faced back with bullshit.  I'm good I'm cool. Back on the bullshit..back from the bullshit and back to the bullshit.

Precarious

Feels like there's always a time when I feel like pushing back against the current.

I kinda wish I was back home right now to brace Hurricane Sandy with them.

I've been wanting to listen to Rihanna-Diamonds and Frank Ocean-Strawberry Fields all day on repeat.

I want to be standing outside in the rain and breathing in the cold cold air. Let it seep down deep into my lungs. Maybe even run in it to get that burn going.

Horoscope- Your life is brimming over with possibilities, any one of which you can take full advantage of -- as long as you don't let one single rainbow go by unnoticed. Keep your eyes -- and, more importantly, your heart -- wide open. Anything can happen now if you believe in it.

Listening to both songs and I got to writing...

There will always be the sunset
Laying in the field
the sky is painted hues of colors she can't name
feels like her body is clinging to the earth beneath her
for comfort. for peace. for serenity. for eternity.
gravity pulling at her.
(wanting to rip tufts of grass out)
flashbacks to those moments when everything remained blue gray
and her body would float
her once weightless body now one with the cold
golden and green pastures stretching for miles far and wide.
But she lay as if the grass were covered with snow
and she'd spread her arms out and pretend to make angels.
The wind would howl.  It would be all she could hear.
Just a faint whistle as it would ripple through.
It'd run up her cheek like gentle fingers.
The goosebumps would send a rush right through her almost like an electric current.
And right through her and onto the brush.
Surge

Social Commentary

Okay so today's blog is brought to you by awkward instances at my family store. So let's say someone is trying to playfully flirt with you and you are in no way interested but it's at your workplace not theirs? I say this because two times so far a particular person that works in the mall has made some kind of physical contact with me. It creeps me out for one I'm not big on that sort of thing. For two it's like why the hell are you trying to touch me. Do you think before you act? It hasn't been anything serious and I'm sure I'm just being overly critical. And then again commentary on my ever so changing body, someone (who quite frankly has no business talking to me in any informal manner) and the same person who has said something to me before today brought up my butt and I really would like to punch him in the mouth. And it's so awkward too. "I'm so proud of you losing all that weight..your legs look so strong I bet they are stronger than mine..but you can't out run me..and you butt got so much smaller..It's a cute LITTLE butt now. So when you gonna let me take you out though..I owe it to you..I missed your birthday..(yadda ya)" POW right in the mouth. Leave me alone me and my butt sheesh. Plus I can't run/go away cause I work there. It's not like I go to other people harassing them (cause that's kinda what it is in all honesty.) It's just freaking annoying and I can't wait to get out of this place once and for all.
Oh and people get too comfy too quick. I talk to you because I work here and I'm obligated to be nice. I am not your friend, I don't like you. You creep me the fuck out and you smell bad. I wish you wouldn't ask me to hang out with you because it will never happen in any lifetime. I wish you wouldn't try to talk to me outside of my work place either cause frankly I don't give a damn about anything that comes out of your mouths. I'm just saying. And not to be mean but some people it's like Are you crazy for thinking you could even approach me. "let me hang out with you, I'll make it fun..I promise." Shut up I've told you numerous times NO NO NO NO NO. Happened again with the same person I told no to before cause they actually got fired from the mall but still comes around like a creeper. Asking me "when are we hanging out" my response.."ASK MY MAN" mmmkay. I'd really just wanna smack a few people. Just a few. Damn assholes.

BE EMBARASSED! TAKE A HINT?! This is from a lil while ago but it's like seriously dude

Him: So wats up I nvr get any messages from u I normally have to send them to u. hows things

Me: same ol same

Him: Nice same here Did u hear the news yet

Me: what news

Him: My termination

Me: oh thats not news thats old new now

Him:I wasn't sure if u were aware who told u

Me: i dont remember it was a while ago

Him: Of course it was doesn't it hows the job hunt going

Me: I got a new job

Him: nice gotta celebrate yea we should totally to ur new job and mine

Me: i dont celebrate much anything..ever haha

Him: well theres a first time for everything plus I could make it fun and I know ur over do for a good time

Me: nahh

Him: well I tried just know all work and no play makes renai a dole girl

Me: it's dull lol I like dull I rather be dull

Him: why cant it be dole dole is boring and u seem like you live a meaningful life

Me: dole is a company that makes pineapples well grows them I like boring I like boring and I like quiet and I like sleep I don't like parties or being outside I like staying home and being by myself

Him: that it aint nothing wrong wit that I'm just trying to help

Me: with what?

Him: idk just reaching out to my amigos be a good friend could just throw me a bone

Bittersweet

On one note, Sometimes when things go good there isn't much else to say about them. On another note, (In regards to Gizmo) Last Thursday I was at a traffic light and looked to my right to notice a small spot of a rainbow. I wanted to take a picture of it but the light turned green and I ended up with a crappy shot through my dirty ass glass. Then I continued on my way and then stopped at a QT for a xenergy and then went back on my way...I got onto the highway and right in front of me is that same rainbow spot. I thought to myself "I wonder what that means" Friday night we came home and my mom had said Gizmo had been throwing up all day and that he had diarrhea. He didn't even move from the same spot the entire day. We were all pretty worried because one week prior he had relapsed but with a heavy dose of drugs he had been looking better. Saturday she took him to find out 2/3's of his kidneys were not working. My mom had to put him down by herself. Saturday I read something on a facebook page dedicated to dogs that had lost their battle to G.M.E. it said that the animals go to a place called the "Rainbow Bridge" when they pass and that's where they eventually are reunited with their owner (ect.) Far fetched? Could be but it is a nice coincidence. Back to the first. It's really nice to have met someone that I feel like I've connected with on every level. We see just about completely eye to eye. Since day one. And when we met it was like we actually had already known each other a long time. Things just fit perfectly. And talk about happy. Unlike other things with other people in the past where I felt like I had to force myself into the situation (uncomfortably at that). No, this has been a real genuine sense of being at ease. It's truly turned out to be a lovely experience. My only downfall would be not having as much freedom in my house as I'd like. I'm working on it though. Hopefully with everything else falling into place things will just pan out for the better, with a little help from patience, understanding, and compromise.

Bye Bye

I'm not sure why B had been reaching out to me lately. He picked up on my complete shift in emotion and attitude towards him and wanted to go off on me. He got upset after tryna tell me off and try and make me feel guilty and said bye and I was kinda like bye bye mutha fucka! Your time to go was a long time ago. You packed your shit and left ME. Now stay the fuck away. Don't bother me, don't text me, don't come looking for me. I don't have shit for you. I did everything I could beyond all means of everything and I'm positive now that you are not going to hurt me anymore. You can go I'm not coming after you although I never did. I'm happier right now in this present moment. There won't be a damn person who is going to ruin that for me..not you. Not this time. Not. This. Time. Then he kept telling me I was throwing a tantrum yet he was the one throwing the tantrum. He text me I didn't text him. He said bye and I said peace and he kept texting me. So I think his problem was just wanting to try and get in MY head cuz she's not around. So whatevers with all that bull na na. I'm cool. No more pain. No more letting the poison seep into me and drag me down. That's all it was. I kept thinking last week about how I'm not meant to save him or fix him or whatever you wanna call it and that He's exactly like his father told me. That he self destructs. He's the type of person who can't handle good things or people in their life. I can't fix someone who wants to be broken. I know that. I learned that the hard way. He needs to realize that himself. I always wished him all the best and still do but I ain't bout that life. No more. He's stuck in his lifestyle. He robbed a place then called to tell me (he had no one else to tell and was screaming and yelling giddy like a child) and sent me a picture of all the money. What the fuck. Why did I think I could fix that? At least I know. I know that's not for me. I am meant for so much more. So much more.

Your heart hurts, mine does too

After going back and forth battling Granulomatous eningoencephalitis (GME) for the last 14 months our Gizmo's health took a turn for the worst and he had to be put down today. Unfortunately my mom was not at all expecting to have to to this today and especially by herself while Tom and I were at work. I didn't know this morning was going to be the last time I would get to see him alive. My heart aches and I hate the pain of losing the good friend that he'd always been. This sucks.

On Self Esteem

I wanted to share this article I read recently on Yahoo!:

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/halle-berry-why-shes-had-bad-choices-men-161400233.html

[Halle Berry, 46, is opening up about her failed past relationships in a new interview with T, The New York Times Style Magazine, where she says "her picker's broken" when it comes to men.
Berry's rocky relationships are no secret. The collapse of Berry's four-year marriage to baseball player David Justice resulted in a suicide attempt, her second husband Eric Benet went into sex rehab and admitted to cheating on her repeatedly, and now she is currently in a custody struggle with her daughter Nahla's father Gabriel Aubry.
"My picker's broken," Berry tells T about her ability to choose men. "God just wanted to mix up my life. Maybe he was thinking, 'This girl can't get everything! I'm going to give her a broken picker.'"
But now that she's engaged to Olivier Martinez, she says her picker is apparently "fixed now."
According to Berry, part of her questionable past choices comes from her admitted low self-esteem.
"Just because they see my face doesn't mean they see me. A person's self-esteem has nothing to do with how she looks," she says. "If it's true that I'm beautiful, I'm proof of that. Self-esteem comes from who you have in your life. How you were raised. What you struggled with as a child."
Her childhood struggles include being raised by a single mother and having a hard time fitting in due to being bi-racial.
"My mother tried hard," Berry says. "But there was no substitute for having a black woman I could identify with, who could teach me about being black."
"I always had to prove myself through my actions,"she recalls about being the lone black student in a nearly all-white school. "Be a cheerleader. Be class president. Be the editor of the newspaper. It gave me a way to show who I was without being angry or violent. By the time I left school, I had a lot of tenacity. I'd turned things around."
Still, her "humble beginnings" very much affect her today -- even on the night she won an Oscar for Monster's Ball.
"I always felt like the underdog. Behind the eight ball. I learned not to be too high on the hog," she explains. "Even that night I won the Oscar, I had a fundamental knowing, it was just a moment in time. Driving home that night, back to my house, I felt like Cinderella. I said, 'When this night is over, I'm going back to who I was.' And I did."
Halle is now set to return to the big screen in Cloud Atlas after a bit of a hiatus, but just don't call it a "comeback."
"I never went anywhere," she says. "I just seized the chance to be in an extraordinary film with an extraordinary cast, exploring an idea that's relevant to everyone."
Cloud Atlas hits theaters October 26.]

I found this rather relatable !

Really?

So I'm at work doing my usual, and this person that works in the mall (not the one previously mentioned) comes in and asks me how my day is ya know the whole bit.  He proceeds to tell me I need to let him take me out sometime and was going on about how he thinks I'm beautiful and how he likes my personality yadda ya. The same guy that's come in my store multiple times with a couple different women. (HAHA.) He starts saying "I'd really love to..I mean I don't know what kind of guys you like but..." and then my moms boyfriend comes in and he kinda panicked and changed the subject. CLASSIC!

On another note, B has been calling/texting me the last two days. He said Keesha took off with all his stuff for now.As soon as he said he was lonely I shut myself off from the rest of the conversation.  I've been so content and satisfied with things at this point in time (knock on wood) so I just sat and listened or half ass listened actually cause it's always the same I'm so tired of listening to him saying the same things about her..he's gotten to sound like charlie browns teacher.  Yesterday I was pretty sure I was going in and out of sleep and he kept talking til he realized I was half sleep.  Don't really care much. He said sometimes with the way I act about things he doesn't want to talk to me. It's like shit well then don't, your ass always comes back to me with that sad story.  Good grief.

Know what I think

So for about a month I kept hearing that one of the boys that works next door to me wants to ask me out from pretty much every other person that works there too.  I kept telling everyone that was funny because he never even really talks to me at all. One time he spoke to me he said "your shoes are nice but mine kill those"
I'm not a sneaker head. You won't ever catch me waiting in line for some shoes to come out.  I don't "need" to have any one particular pair of shoes, frankly I think that's ridiculous. Anyways it's not even like that was the nicest thing he could say to me either.  So whatever he eventually ended up chasing me down one day and asking me out. I said maybe leaning towards nah (in my head it was really no) just so it wouldn't seem so bad. Then I find out he told ALL his other coworkers I said yes. He even posted it on facebook saying "I finally asked her out and she said yes!" that put me off soooooooooooooooo much.  Then one of his coworkers came in saying "so I heard you blew him off. Ya know I'm glad I did because any and everything would have been broadcasted for the entire mall.  Nah I'm cool.  Say what you want. Think what you will. And so that being said, another one bites the dust! Smh.

The Birds (Part 1) Interlude Lyrics

I forgot to mention that Abel debuted a brand new interlude at the concert and it struck a chord with me so I felt like sharing this with you.


The Birds (Part 1) Interlude Lyrics
(Girl:)
Baby
Baby
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up
Please, mercy me
Let me fall out of love, before you fuck her
I begged you
I gave you all my pills
I gave you all of me
Baby..
I see that she is beautiful
The most beautiful by far
I see that she makes you feel good 'bout who you are
But you see how much I need you?
You see how much I care?
You see how much I care?
You see how much I care..?


(Abel's part):
I've been spendin all my time, livin for the thrill
All this money that I've blown, All this liquor that I've spilled
I deserve this..
I deserve your body on my mattress...
So when you ask me what I do...
All I do is hurt myself
Inspiration is all I know...
Inspiration is all I have
So I deserve this...
I deserve your body on my mattress...


(Girl:)
What do I do now that you're gone?
What do I do when I'm alone?
You've been running in my head..
What do I do when I need sex?
You're my everything...
You're my heart..
You're my everything...
You're my heart


(Abel:)
Ouu, I thought I told you, a long time ago
Don't you fall in love..
Don't make me make you fall in love...
Don't make me make you fall in love with a nigga like me..
Don't you fall in love with a nigga like me.. (6x)
Like me...


*Start of The Birds Pt 1*

10/10 The Weeknd Concert in Phoenix

Wednesday was the concert and it was amazing.

Abel, his music speaks to me. His tortured soul (and maybe not so tortured but either way), It comes out through his music. The things he has been through. His experiences.

For me it comes out in my writing.

Have you ever felt that? It is such a deep, raw, lamenting emotion.  It is such beautiful discourse.  The chord of pain it sings to.  Beyond the normalcy, beyond the reality, beyond the surface of pain. This strikes deeper.  This is the art of madness, the art of the magnificent.  The beauty of raw flesh.  A caress.


The video for Rolling Stone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORVz_qeKgvg

Abel seemed so amazed at us (his fans)..we sang every word. The best part had to be seeing him smile.  It's not something you get from his music.  It's rarely in pictures.  But it is certainly beautiful to see.  It was sincere.

Memoirs: Epiphany (Edited)

My teacher made a suggestion to make the story funny, after he read the first version he was kidding around like "hey that's my toothbrush" so I decided to incorporate that into the piece. 
This is what I came up with..


But It Was Mine

Her
"My name is Natalya and you are?" I told the girl my name as I stared at my green toothbrush hanging out of the side of her mouth. Natalya looked to be about twenty, had dirty blonde hair and bangs swept to one side. She told me Bobby was still sleeping then attempted to call him saying, "there's a girl here." Of course he didn't dare to get up.  I peeked into his room to see him sleeping just like how I had left him the night before, "So how long have you known him," I asked her inquisitively. "Oh about a month," she replied. Intrigued, she asked me the same; painstakingly I said, "about eight months." Her blue eyes grew big at this. Natalya grabbed her bag and purple shorts off of the brown sofa then hurriedly said, "I don't have time for this," walking out of the front door. I stood there in shock not knowing what to do, how to feel, or what to think.  A few minutes later Bobby emerged, his thick long brown hair was wild and everywhere, he stood for a minute in the bedroom doorway in his boxer briefs holding a pillow against the side of his waist with a familiar smirk on his face. I could not find the words at that particular moment for the feeling inside of me.  I stood there looking at the tattoo across his lower abdomen that said “want some.” I could feel sarcasm welling up inside of me. Part of me wanted to burst out laughing! He looked at me with a "pretending to be sleepy-ish" look on his tan face.  I chose not confront anything at the time. I still was trying to understand what just happened.

Him
He went to get dressed...but first he popped the top off his favorite green glass bottled drink.   From heineken to two-eleven steel reserves. His drinking habits always tipped me off when something was up or bothering him.  We had to go to Arrowhead mall to pick up his cousins from work. It was much farther than I expected.  “Those are inmates” he said when he noticed an unmarked white van followed by a cop car. “Of course you would know,” I thought to myself. By the time we arrived he was already drunk and began being inappropriate, reaching to put his hand in my back pocket. I slapped his hand away. As we walked past a sunglasses kiosk, the employee was around on the other side so Bobby casually put a pair of sunglasses on and kept walking.   After that I wanted to go have a "sit down" meal in hopes food would do him some good.  We went to Chevy's Tex-Mex restaurant.  Inside he was screaming, laying sideways in the booth, and yelling at the waiter. I felt so embarrassed at his child-like behavior. It was time to head back to Mesa, “go to sleep.” I told him as soon as he slumped into the passenger seat.  I was tired of his drunken rambling and behavior.  It was a long drive back. My ipod was on repeat so the same song just kept playing over and over, like the morning in my mind. My toothbrush was all I could think about.

Me
That evening I began to drink.  Lemonade flavored four loko followed by iced tea joose. We were outside his apartment in the parking lot with his brother and cousins when the alcohol began to take hold of me.  I began putting pressure on the can and it made popping sounds. My emotional state went into overdrive. Out of nowhere I began pushing him, angrily pushing him. He was sober and now I was not. He asked me to come inside because he was hungry, so he started cooking.  I stared at his tiny pot plant in the kitchen sink, thinking. Thinking about my morning discovery reduced me to tears. I didn’t understand why.  He stood there while the meat cooked and just looked at me, spatula in hand in bewilderment. Tears seemed to be pouring out like the monsoon rain. I felt so ashamed to be crying like this in front of him.  He then wrapped his arms around me.  Coaxing me to stop crying.  What was this? Truth staring me in my oceaned eyes. The person who had hurt me was the one comforting me.  It made no sense at the time but was exactly what I needed to feel okay. I needed a new toothbrush.

Memoirs: Epiphany

For my 217 class we are discussing Epiphany Writing.

The point of this assignment is to tell a story where a realization is made at the end.
This is the unedited version of what I'm putting together thus far:

When I first arrived to find an unfamiliar car parked out front I didn't think anything of it. Until I reached the front door and found lights on I had not recalled leaving on. I thought maybe he got up and turned them on, but he usually isn't one to turn on too many lights in the morning. As I entered the living room I could hear water running in the bathroom.  I could see the lights were still off in the bedroom and but there was a glow from the bathroom light.  There was a pair of purple shorts folded neatly on the arm of the sofa.  Then there was her. A girl with dirty blonde hair bangs swept to one side with a toothbrush in her mouth came out and shook my hand. Startled.  I did not know what to do or say. She proceeded to say "My name is Natalya and you are?" I told her my name. She told me he was still sleeping then attempted to call him saying, "there's a girl here" Of course he didn't dare to get up.  I took a peek into his room to see him asleep exactly how I had left him.

I had then asked her, "so how long have you known him?" She said "Oh about a month." How curious I was at this, she asked me the same with shame and regret I said "about eight months." She grabbed her things and said "I don't have time for this." She left. I stood there, not knowing what to do. How to feel. What to think.  And then..he emerged hair wild and everywhere, in his boxer briefs holding a pillow against his waist and a smirk on his face.I could not find the words at that particular moment for the feeling inside of me.  I just stood there looking at him and he just was looking at me with a "pretending to be sleepy-ish" look on his face.  All I knew was that the day was already planned and we had things to do and that I would choose not confront anything for the time being.

He knew we had things to go do so he proceeded to get dressed but first..a heineken. At 10 something in the morning.  And the drinking continued.  His drinking habits always tipped me off when something was up or bothering him.  I assumed it was this mornings incident that had him started so early.  Then 2-11 steel reserves.  We had to go to Arrowhead mall that day which was much farther than I expected.  By the time we arrived he was drunk.  Yelling and acting belligerent. We were walking past a sunglasses kiosk, the employee was around on the other side he casually put a pair on and kept walking.  There was a kiosk in the food court selling "splat backs" the very item he sold in our mall, he thought it would be funny to make a mockery of the guys selling them there by telling them about the product and how to use it.  After the fun was had I wanted to go have a "sit down" meal.  I always love "sit down" meals.  We went to Chevy's.  He was acting a fool. Screaming and laying sideways in the booth.  Just acting like a big child. We continued the rest of the day as planned. When it was time to head back I told him to go to sleep.  I was tired of his drunk rambling.  It was a long drive back.  He had left a song on repeat and I could not get to my ipod while driving so it just played. Over and over.

That evening I began to drink.  His cousins saw me finish the drink I had and urged me to drink more because it was only 7pm and so I did.  I remember being outside in the parking lot pushing him.  Angrily pushing him. Funny thing was now he was sober and I wasn't. We went inside and he started cooking.  I remember crying and being so upset thinking about my morning discovery.  He stood there while the meat cooked and just looked at me, spatula in hand. Sobbing. I remember how hard I was crying. And how ashamed I felt to be crying like this in front of him.  He then wrapped his arms around me.  Coaxing me to stop crying.  What was this? The person who had hurt me was the one comforting me.  It made no sense but at the time was what I needed to feel okay.

Blast off..

Dynasty. I haven't talked about him in so long.  Pretty sure he hasn't come up as a subject of this blog just yet. Or it's been a very long time. I normally wouldn't refer to him as "Dynasty" because that's who he was when we first met. Man it was so long ago.  So young and naive.  LOML. The shit we went through. Anyways. We ended up eventually growing apart after the bullshit and the drama and me moving and him leaving for Korea.  It had gotten to the point where he didn't talk to me or he BARELY did.  If he did it was usually to scold me for not making a car payment on time or something related to our car loan.  So it is to my understanding that he's home now..for now and that he'll be off to Texas soon.  Any anyways..I had a couple missed calls from him and immediately thought "Oh what are you going to yell at me for now!" Me being stuck at work I sent him a text like look I'm working right now. He texted me back saying that we need to talk. I told him if he's going to yell at me for anything I don't want to talk to him.  A few hours later he told me to shut up and that it was something else and that he's "okay" with me now. -___- honestly I think that's bullshit. He only ever wants to scold me and would rather have nothing to do with me but is unfortunately stuck with me in for the time being at least til I finish paying off the car.  ::Sigh::  so I let him know I wearily can try to call him when I get out.  We'll see I suppose. If he starts on me I'll probably just hang up. I don't want to deal with it. 

So a few days ago I talked to B..told me he was thinking about me or rather he heard a weeknd song and it reminded him of me.  Then Thursday afternoon he called me venting, which I don't mind although he kept saying "I know you don't care" over and over.  I mentioned briefly the state that I'm in where I just can't/don't want to be involved with anyone pretty much in any way shape or form.  He said it's because "He's my guy" or "He's the one for me" or some retarded bull na na like that.  

On to other things. 

I'm waiting on my XO hoodie to come in the mail. That shit is lost in the mail.  :( 

Strawberry Swing

What will it take to bring me back..
I wish I could spend a whole day in my bed
bury myself in my blanket
close my eyes and just be sleep with out my feelings..
get the fuck up out my bed
who invited you here..
leave me be
let me rest
stop fighting me
stop keeping me
stop waking me..
If only I could replace you with beautiful peaceful dreams of tomorrow
Could you give me space?
A pillow for my heavy mind..and what with this heavy heart?
Frank says in the background.."We all try..we all try.."

I don't write love songs, I don't write songs about love..
this is heartache..this comes straight outa heartache
this comes straight outa heartbreak..
Because you can't hold onto sand forever
and I could not hold your hand forever..
we could not walk this path together
and here I am alone.

Empty as a hollow shell
rotting epiphany living hell
I have not loved a thousand times
Oh but OH I have loved you well

I have been so strong so strong
and all the world has fallen apart
and fallen around me
and fallen upon me

and oh how I have fought
I have fought fights upon end
through things I could not stand
you should know..
you should truly know

that I have loved you well..
baby I have only loved you well

such a beautiful deep red rose
whose thorns had left my hands full of blood
whose petals would wilt and fall
such ravenous pain
my God I have loved you well..

Outer Space

I'm not quite sure what made me think of it besides rolling around sleepily in my bed..I jotted a few lines

"scariest thing is..I'm not sure if I truly know how to love a man..I have never been shown love by a man.."

Coincidence? Someone asked me the following day this question "Just say you died..you have no memory, everything is brand new. What is one thing you wish you knew from a previous life?" My answer was love from a father. Really random and well yeah.


Reflection...

He mentioned one thing that reminds him of me..oddly enough I don't remember what it was. I told him lots of things remind me of him.

I've given in to the darkness.

I remember that day, in November or was it December..actually December it was. I hate that feeling..that omniscient sense that I've never had with anyone else. I was so sad. You said you would stay. How did I know you were going? The shit thats left unsaid. My heartache.

I also really wish I could find a cure for these tension headaches...It's been going on for years..I want them to go away for good.

What is it that makes one "awe inspiring" ever have someone look at you and you can tell the sheer...I can't think of the word for it but that LOOK in their eye..they hang on your every word. You are about to go about to go on your way and they don't want you to leave so they keep talking although by this time they make it look awkward and you realize this so it's funny to you.

PEM

Had an interesting conversation with Pem

Me: sad as it is i miss that dumb nigga

made me feel like i was living on the edge kinda"

Pem: I really thought about what the hell you just said ...

& I understand where you're coming from.

Somehow...

I know you ain't lying about "feeling like you was living on the edge".

It's not bad to miss someone that you really care about ...

But ... it maybe bad to have feelings for someone who's not fully into you the way you are for them.

Not saying that he doesn't care for you either ...

But it's obvious he isn't on the same level you are.

Ijs.

Me: I know

It's not that serious..just miss being around him

presence

Pem: If it wasn't that serious, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Me: you missing the point

i didnt mention it cause it was serious

serious would be pickin up and going out there

NOT

THAT

SERIOUS

comprende?

Pem: Si si ...

I understand.

But I have a question ...

Me: Hmm?

Pem: If you could, would you?

Me: nah

not my place..i mean my place is not with him

i mean sure he's good company but he's not a good person to be honest

Pem: Do you really feel that way? That he's not a good person?

Fuck what I think, how do you REALLY feel about him?

Me: he just is

he's a really really strange creature

lol

the words to describe him I can't say..predictably unpredictable maybe

in ways

don't know..I would be able to say if I knew/understood the workings of his mind

Pem: I hear ya ... you make sense.

Me: I don't know..I dunno when that fool is sincere or not..I don't know what he means..I don't know why he does the things he does..and I don't know why I ever cared

Progress

Feels like progress. As much slacking as I "kind of" have been doing, it feels like progress.
Things are back in full swing. Bootcamp as much as possible (as hard as possible..as heavy as possible.) SCHOOL..school..school..school..school..school..school..school.  And work which has been the same just about 57 hours a week for the last 3 years.  Going with no breaks..just going. No matter how tired I am, no matter if I'm sick, no matter pretty much anything. Just going.  Outside of that? I don't want much outside of that at the moment. I want any free time I have to relax because I don't really have much free time at all. I'd like to spend most of it sleeping. I would say all but that doesn't always happen. Post birthday I plan on staying home and resting if I'm not at school or working or at the gym. I want results. I am determined to make the progress I wish to make.  I don't really care so much that my parents and other people arent enthused about my fitness/weight loss goals. I recently realized that some people will never be satisfied with you physically. You must strive to please yourself and yourself only. It is YOUR body. Take former video vixen Vida Guerra..absolutely stunning, hott, gorgeous woman..she became a fitness model and now she's all about fitness. I followed her on instagram and liked her page on facebook recently to see that she endures so much criticism about her body. WHAT THE HELL. People actually complain because she's "lost her booty." It's INSANE! She looks phenomenal. And it kinda reminds me of a lot of the ish I've been hearing lately due to my own endeavors. And don't get me wrong I'm no Vida, but if even someone as beautiful as she is criticized then it only makes sense that people are going to talk crap to me. I don't know if I said that right...but yall out there know what I mean.  I know what I mean.  I'm happy thus far with my PROGRESS. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ever so shrinking ass. HAHA.

I woke up to a few messages from B last night but I was asleep so oh well with that.
For a while I had debating telling one of my friends something (that is now in the past) for some odd reason I felt like mentioning it. I had asked a different friend a while ago about it and they told me I shouldn't bother but I decided to yesterday. Felt better for that too. You know how it is when you have that compelling feeling and you're just biting your tongue and it's all forced and you want to just blurt it but you don't. Better now that it's all in the past anyways cause it doesn't/didn't matter now anyways. Look at me rambling! I'll leave this one alone..

What I do know is that I'm sore and my head has been hurting off and on today. BLEH. I just want to lay in my bed and listen to The Weeknd.

Understanding

Anyways...
It's funny that we live in a world today where honesty is not appreciated.
In that case..
Go on then..hate me, dislike me, have choice words for me because I decided not to be that person to sit back and lie and drag you through hell and not give a damn like another person would/could.
Go on..take back all the nice things that were said and that you wanted to help and yadda ya..One lesson that will come in time is UNDERSTANDING.
Because a TRULY understanding person would never change who they are or the things they have said out of emotion. Really though. Could it be worse oh yes very very very much so..but I am not that person.
And I am not going to feel any type of way because I am me. I know me. I know my likes..my dislikes..what I want and what I NEED.

But what I will say..is that you are appreciated. You and who I accepted you for are appreciated and all of the good qualities and admirable qualities and rare qualities you possess are appreciated. That will NOT change. I don't really care what you or anyone else has to say in response to that cause this is MY blog where I will say whatever I damn well please..MMMKKAY.

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/virgo.htm

Oh and on to other things..
I am indeed a curious creature..oh well.
I am at peace with who I am as a person..& I love myself. WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I just pray that everyone else can do the same.

So dumb dumb called on Monday. It was nice to hear from him and that things with Keesh are going well. I'm glad he's keeping out of trouble.

And there is a particular other someone who I was quite peeved with and I still am kinda actually..seriously if you're going to be a hoe just fucking be a hoe out in the open stop trying to lie about it because you're making yourself look like an idiot trying to hide it. I'm just sayyyyying. One day all of your bull nana is going to catch up and bite you REALLY hard in the ass.


WELL..
:p Happy Friday everyone

The Knowing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsdmtOYtxNk

Her body is wrapped in long pale blue drape like cloth
her straight long brown hair flowing in the blue grey water
she's trying to swim
all the while sinking
feet bound by chains
he's trying to hold onto her
she's trying to get away
arms slowly gracefully flailing about
she wants to break free
she's trying to kick her feet but
she remains stagnant
bubbles escaping from her nose..

you ever watch the way a body moves under water?
it is so graceful..so slow..so traceable..almost calculated..rhythmic


how silent everything is in the water..
when I think about the water I hear no noise
yet there is usually a struggle

I feel myself fighting..
resisting
struggling

I want to sink into the blue
without the fight..

From Mars

From yesterday Morning.. This shit puts me on another level, to be honest it was a level I feared..for months. I don't fear it any more. It strikes that dull ache no more. Actually I lied, it does..shit feels like absinthe..cept I've grown used to the burn. Anyways.. I've been in my head again, a lot. Off and on. It's kind of easier when it's off though..like that light switch. I feel like come next week when school starts everything is going to get turned up a whole bunch of notches. I'm going to have to regain some serious focus. And even more so lately I want to be alone. I wasn't ready. Maybe, just maybe that's why I'm back at peace with the music.

On Kindness

So two days ago I got a text from an unknown number but who else would it be but B..I thought luckily I was asleep..so there were three messages the last saying "do you hate me that much :("  I waited and contemplated even responding. Eventually I text back saying I was sleeping. Then the usual, what are you doing today yadda ya.  Anyways this is the rundown...He and Keesha had been out on the street for two days and wanted to know if I could take them to the bus terminal in Phoenix so they could buy their tickets to Vegas and if I would let them each take showers and wash some clothes.  Now keep in mind...I've been harboring some fairly ill willed feelings towards them? Maybe not them but definitely towards him.  I've always kept my word though..once I had said "do not worry about me getting mad or upset because that's just me letting my emotions get to me and that I'll always be okay"

So as I went to go get them I was saying to myself "please don't let my anger get the best of me.." over and over.  I got there and he called cause he couldn't find where I was and I gave him nothing but attitude and he was like please don't be mad. But I mean oh well right?  So it was a pretty much silent ride to the bus terminal and a LONG ride too.  Then he went in to buy their tickets and she went to buy herself a fountain drink at circle k then they got back in the car.. then the arguing began all because I asked "where are WE going to go" and he turned around and asked her where SHE was going to go.  HIS fault. She got mad grabbed everything and started walking. SIDENOTE: She thought me n him were going to take off without her and that I'd bring him back later (like old times) :/

Anyways..He said he was just going to wait at the bus stop and that I could go.  I started driving and caught up to her I was like "come on" she was like "oh he's not going with you?" I told her.."hey look, I said where are WE going..so just come on" He had eventually started walking over to us anyways. He got in too and I started driving. Why did I do that? I just couldn't see that just being it like "okie dokie thats it" especially I knew they'd already been roaming around and wanted to be able to just relax and get out of the sun. I'd already gone that far with them so I just was like whatever.

We get to my house they both took showers and washed their clothes and played some Black Ops and charged their phone and went through some listings on craigslist. We were killing time because their bus wasn't leaving til 1:45am.  It actually wasn't a bad day at all. They had pretty much stopped arguing and we all got along fine after the first hour haha.  So at the end of the night I took them to the bus stop and gave them twenty bucks to go get themselves something to eat because I knew they'd only eaten once in the last two days.  He hugged me and said "love you..really though" and then she hugged me too.  They both said thank you and went on their way.  Of course Tupac- "Ain't mad at cha" would be playing on my Pandora. So on my drive home I was crying a little bit haha. I found it ironic because through ALL THE BULLSHIT I'm not mad..I'm okay. I'm still a good friend. I still was there when no one else was..even through my emotions. I mean yeah I know I had blocked him but I knew that if he really NEEDED to get in touch with me he'd find a way. And that'll be the last time I'll see them.

Ya know as messed up as the whole situation has been between the three of us and as difficult as yesterday was for me and as awkward and as mad I was and as much as they don't deserve my help I'm glad I did. And I feel better today.

One friend told me that I was the bigger person for having done what I did, and someone else told me it's good for my soul.  I'm not sure about anyone else's opinions but I can say that it feels much better now having put my feelings aside than holding that grudge and that sadness and that anger that I'd been cradling and holding onto so dearly.

Thank you

I would like to take the time right now to reflect on a few things I have learned and gain from my last relationship/experience...so here it goes..
Thank you..
I want to thank you for showing me a side of the world I never knew existed because I have lived such a sheltered life you brought me the closest I've ever been to danger all the while protecting me from physical danger at the same time. I've learned a good deal about manipulation as well.  I can say that I have learned quite quite quite a bit from the experience all in all over the last 2 years and some change. I feel so bittersweet about it.

At the same time, I feel more cautious towards how I handle my emotions and being emotional in general.  I feel a general disinterest for most people at the present time.  I also find that the majority of people feel the same way by that I relate that to the fact that I've deactivated my facebook and no one's noticed (not that it matters) but that's what I'm realizing. These things are things that truly do not matter. "Social Networking"  I've frankly given up most effort to connect with others because they are so false and there is no such thing as Genuine anymore.  As one of the books I'm reading states..."people are only interested in themselves." They only like talking about themselves and don't care too much for what other people have to say.

On another note...

An incident happened with a man in my store acting out talking about "I'm fine..and he wants to take me to a church and get married" and all kinds of wild talk. My mom told her boyfriend and he had the nerve to say "what is it with these stupid niggers hitting on her, tell that nigger to go hang from a tree somewhere" I felt really really really uncomfortable by him saying that.  There really is no need for it regardless of what color or what race anyone is.  It's fucking dumb.

So it seems I am waiting for something unexpected to happen. Frantz says to stop waiting for a guy on a horse and I don't think I am but, someone would be nice.  Someone different...that'd actually spark a real curiosity in me and feel the same way.  That I can just get a long with in multiple facets.  That wants to know how I am and how my day is going and will actually be concerned or give a damn.  That's was the last straw with B..not giving a damn that I was feeling hurt and upset. Probably one of the worst things someone I care about could do to me and the surest way to erase me out of their life.  Some have said they have tried to get close to me but I just push back or push away. Then I don't feel right about it and the only thing I can do is apologize. At the same time SOOOOOOOOO many people come off wrong and ruin a good thing. A friend of mine, that was always only a friend to me, that I had never done anything more than hugged, asked me when he found out I was single back in February if we could be friends with benefits...talk about taken aback.  I felt like was this the motive all this time? Was this what our friendship would succumb to? I didn't want that..I wasn't looking for that, not from him at least.  And don't get me wrong he's a very attractive person but..just..no.  You don't just take things "there."  And although I said no and he understands I just wouldn't be comfortable being around him anymore. Like at all. Sorry? I'm not sure if I should be.

Anyways I've had enough talking for now. Ta Ta..