I'll be fine

So...everything is going to be okay.

Apparently B and his ol girl got back together after she went on a lil rampage of disliking and making comments on really old stuff from when he and I were together. I decided to not react in an immature manner towards either of them. I decided to delete everything...maybe all those times I tried to let go but gave back in was partially because I had held on to everything. So now all the pictures are gone...the thousands of texts..everything.
I was pretty irritated..let him need anything ever..he better know exactly who to go to and it isn't me.  Talk about an obvious wake up call. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING? WHY HAVE I BEEN NEGLECTING MYSELF?

Pray for me.

Smile

Truth of the matter is..was there any truth in that matter? As a matter of fact.  Fact or fiction it was abominable behavior at that.

Sooooo...been feeling mighty clever lately. One liners here and there (not literally one liners but what the hell I'll call it that if I please)

Here's one..
Love can make you do crazy things...Sorry, I'm not a fan of straight-jackets #Idontloveyou

and another...
You say you don't give a fuck..but I heard you was giving the fucks

On to other things...I was in the shower yesterday and realized, well not realized but remembered better yet...
The fuck are you settling for? A lame, manipulating, criminal, sociopath fool? Really? Come on now.
You are incredibly better than that.

I'm very much enjoying my life without anyone of the opposite sex disturbing my flow...better yet was it comes and goes. I'm feeling like I'm about to just blow everyone off. Why? Because my irritation with certain things is starting to get kind of ridiculous and quite frankly is unnecessary.

As far as B is concerned. I'm off him and his shit.  See what he would have to say if I told him that I'm so much better than he is as a person and don't deserve any of his shit, her shit, OR anyone's shit for that matter. That shit better be gold if you want me to give a shit. Haha. Don't come to me when you want something.

I feel like putting on my sunglasses..Blowing kisses..Dusting off my shoulders..and saying DON'T TALK TO ME..all with a casual smile on my face. Haha.

My sarcasm sometimes really can get the best of me. BUT IT'S SO FUNNY! And my friends that know everything there are about two of them I talk to regularly. One out here in the Desert and one back east in the dirty...They know..they know..they know..they know...they know..they know..THAT THE REAL IS ON THE RISE...(you know how the rest goes)

Hmmm...smiles all around how bout it? It's better than being upset, or crying..it beats that any day..kinda makes me wanna walk around with my head up WAAAAAY to high like "HMPH!" Know what that feels like?

That's exactly my feeling. I'm so tired of bitch men..I'm just saying.

Stronghold

Feels like I'm losing myself But I wish I could disappear though...feeling so disconnected with everything and everyone..can I get someone to help me feel grounded...to help me. To better me..to lighten my mood..lift my spirits..show me their heart. I've found myself misplaced and displaced. But sheesh I'm not ready, unless it'd be enough to make me forget about everything else..I fear I'm not ready. Actually in all honesty I don't know.

 A few days ago I was thinking up a bunch of random "what love is.." things and I don't remember them all but here are just a few. What is love anyways? Is it that person you don't go a day without thinking about..is that what love is? Is it someone who would die for you..is that what love is?..is it spending all your money on someone..is that what love is?..is it working through hardships.. is that what love is?..is it letting someone hurt you repeatedly.. is that what love is?..is it the person you have sex with.. is that what love is?..is it your motivation.. is that what love is?..is it taking advantage of someone.. is that what love is?..is it trusting someone..is that what love is..?

Anyways those were just my thoughts from yesterday as I had a really odd day as far as mood goes...I woke up in a terrible mood also. Vicious...dangerous..wanting to just say fuck everyone and everything and don't talk to me or better yet that no one does and probably because I make it a point to push everyone away (mostly)

I'm mad at myself for letting myself get such a damn stronghold on one person...

Hawaii

You ever see or think you see a little or maybe even a lot a bit of yourself in someone else?
I see so much of him in myself..would I ever tell him? Probably not..because that would show weakness. Do you ever think youre friends make you out to be or even what others make you out to be for example..more than what you are or is it that complex...that we dont blame ourselves for things no matter how wrong they are...makes me wonder.

That was a little wordy...I'll break it down Barney style..Let's say a friend describes you a certain way but you think it's a little bit exaggerated. Is it really an exaggeration? Or is it really you not wanting to believe/own up to that?

Anyways..I'm feeling pretty relaxed. I slept terrible last night but I still managed to pull a great deal of energy out of myself at bootcamp actually the last few days I've been really going at it.  Today I even got a "Oh my Gosh" response from a few people during our team relays..I came to tag the next person in and was like RAWWWRR!

Yesterday...hmm not too much to say about yesterday actually.  B asked me how I feel about him...I told him I didn't know.  But I did tell him that as far as carrying any negative feelings towards him that he really can't hold that against me because you say sorry but then you do the same exact thing that you were initially sorry for..therefore the "sorry" actually meant nothing.

All this talk about leaving...I'm not sure I'd ever go. Almost positive I'd never go. It would take a miracle to talk me into going anywhere with that fool. Although, I did mention Hawaii just for the sake of it being paradise...expensive as hell but beautiful none the less plus I know I wouldn't go so I was just talking shit haha.

Emotion

There has to be a place for all these emotions to go..

If only you knew just how much you once meant to me...I wish you could be know what everything feels like for me...

So spontaneously its some sort of "lets run away together" type of thing..the games on the phone yadda ya.

I feel like..man they are lucky to have each other..why? Because they can't LIVE without eachother..not like that but kinda. I don't have that..someone who can't possibly be without me. My wants..my needs..all of that means nothing to anyone but me. My tears..my fears..my hopes..my dreams..

I'm battling the demons within myself..why? Because you are the epitome of everything that no one wants for me?

Somebody That I used to Know

So yesterday Gotye-Somebody That I Used to Know came on Pandora and I start singing along and out of no where I get the chills and start crying..BLAH!

To be honest I think "this" maybe just maybe has finally reached its end...I can't be certain but It's just a hunch...If it is I have some minor requests but if they can't be met so be it. I've taken plenty of losses thus far anything else can be written off.

I have that feeling...that feeling...I can't quite put my finger on...

Suppose it's cause I've backed myself into the corner of a very small room..alone..alone...alone..alone.

Time to do a brain dump:
And it hurts late at night in the darkness when I'm left to my thoughts..and I wake up too often..and I think and think some more. And I feel like running..and there's no one there to talk to better yet no one there to listen..cept I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself cause I have a hard time sorting them out and distinguishing feelings.  It's all so confusing. Wanting to cry but keeping myself from it. Because I've always inflicted some kind of pain on myself...whether it was physical to now allowing emotional turmoil.  And I can't just numb things as much as I would like to. It's something simmering beneath the surface. Something I don't let others go near.  Something I wouldn't dare let get past my blank expression. Something that keeps me from smiling.  I've got such bitterness consuming me at times.  How can I get it out? It's dark. It's ugly.  It's negative. I don't wanna do anything..watch tv..I don't want to talk to anyone with ulterior motives..I want to curl up in a ball under a blanket and squeeze my head with both hands. I haven't spoken to anyone all day and no one has made the effort to speak to me either...frustrated, mad, sad, lonely, whatever...fuck it

Hands

I don't care what anyone in the WORLD has to say...he is my friend and that's that..to everyones dismay...

The last few times I'd be with him I've cried...I think because part of me knows that I don't know what I'm doing or what we are all doing. I hate to feel for him. It's so painful and so wrong.  He'd be in the shower and I'd just be laying there eyes gathering tears..he'd get out and look at me like AH..ah is right..how is it that  you can easily multitask...I don't even like to, found myself doing just that and I hate it...I'm making myself angry. I'm being a hypocrite. I'm lying but I don't want to be lied to.  And Like the new book I'm reading says...we never like to blame ourselves for things no matter how wrong they are. Which is exactly how I feel. I'm being this way because I'm getting mine. I'm getting back at those who have wronged/or are wronging me. Play or be played kind of motto. Yet I've gotten lost amongst the game.

And all this confusion...such a huge cloud in front of me..what the hell is going on? I don't even know where I am anymore. It's like you get on a ride and you kinda don't feel good and but the ride keeps going and the lights are all flashing and the ride starts getting faster and the music is playing and now you're really uncomfortable and it's not fun anymore. And it's going faster still and everyone around you looks like they are having fun and laughing but YOU really don't feel good, and you want it to stop, and you want to get off..but the music keeps playing louder..and louder..and now you feel like crying.  That's exactly how I feel.

I didn't want any of this...I was hoping I could get out..that I could get away...I started running to drinking...but that's not fun...I keep ending up where I started.

We were in the car and I was talking about how this guy has a slight thing for me I guess but how I'm not a good fit for him and that I know of a girl he'd be a good match for. That they'd "fit" that they would be a good "fit" and he asked me if we "fit" and I said I don't know and he got thrown off. Honestly no we aren't a good fit. We are but aren't. In ways yes but no.  Essentially no. He said "It's too late now because you've put your hands in my life" O.o the fuck does that mean?

So I as soon as I heard from him on one phone Keesha calls me from another phone...It was strange, she sat there telling me how she thinks he's using me and that she doesn't mind him going with me as long as he gets things done instead of just laying around with me all day. And how at first he/we told her it wasn't like that between us anymore and it really wasn't but..you know..it went there eventually. She was mad he came home with hickeys on his neck. (in my drunkenness I wanted to show her...and he let me :/)  very very selfish of me. I think of how he had left me for her though and how he lied to me. And how she tried to befriend me to turn the things I said about him around on me. No good. I don't trust any of them and I don't want or need anything from either of them.  I told her that yesterday...that the one day I didn't hear from him I had such a productive day! That the four of them should go try and live a life somewhere without me.  I don't know. She's semi comfortable with me and it's really weird. If I were her I wouldn't let him put the doubt in my head about another girl.  It's really not okay for him to want to have me around...she should know that. It is not okay for him to run off with me twice a week.  It is not okay for him to come home with hickey's on his neck (which I won't be doing that again.)  It just isn't. In no circumstance.  It's not something I would tolerate from someone I want to be in a relationship with...hence why I broke up with him and would never be in a relationship with him again.  

Bermuda

It's been a short while since I've written so time to play catch up..

My tension headaches are back with a vengeance and I have had nonstop headaches everyday for the last 4 days...today doesn't feel as bad as the last few though I'm just going to try not to focus on it.

So Tuesday surprise surprise I didn't hear from B which was cool because I ended up getting a lot of things done that day. It seems like when I'm with him sometimes I go into this lazy mode and don't want to do anything but lay around with him. I've been feeling super duper mixed emotions. My resentment has returned although I'm pretty sure it never left and I was catching myself thinking negative/bad things here and there when we were talking but I chose not to tell him just what they were (I know he'd take offense) Last time I saw him we drank another bottle of parrot bay I was hoping to spill some of my feelings out but it just wasn't happening..instead I was trying to put him in a choke hold and mess with him in a painful/playful way.  At one point he did dig his elbow into my thigh and I dug my nails into his skin.  Later on he jumped in the shower and I fell asleep..I woke up a few hours later..MAD haha.

I forgot to mention when we got there I told him I wanted to take a shower and that he could play zombies while I did so and he asked me where his phone was..I was like um excuse me..it's MY phone and I said why to play music..he said maybe. I stood there thinking about it and then I said (outloud) oh it doesn't matter. He said what doesn't matter and I said I don't belong to you so whatever is in my phone doesn't matter. He said so who do you belong to then. I said me. And then he said and I belong to me...doesn't everyone belong to themselves? then I didn't say anything else. Earlier than that I forget what it was we were talking about at Fresh & Easy and I said no to something and he once again went on his.."Did you just tell me no" thing like he does haha and I was like Man..I will tell you NO all day.

Anyways..later on he said he wanted to go and I was questioning him because it was kind of early and he said I think we should go talk to Keesha..I'm just not going to say anything about any physical relationship we might have between us...I'm thinking to myself..what did she think those hickeys were about? That I did that to you and that was it O.o she can't be THAT stupid to think nothing of it.

So we went and when we got to their block we saw her at the school reading under a tree..he told her to come on..she looked at me and he said "say something" so I told her to get in..she got in and the three of us rode around..they argued a bit but that's kind of just how they communicate. She said that he leaves her feeling so desperate and that other people would give her more/better/positive attention than he gives her. They went back and forth for a while then he'd ask me something as input. And then she'd say that he doesn't show me what he shows her. Then we drove past a chuck e cheese and I was laughing he asked if it was cause I worked there or had relations with one of my managers and I was like NO I was thinking about the time with Natalya...Keesha sided with me saying that if he had made plans with me but then ended up with Natalya he should have at least called or texted me which I agreed with. He tried to say he was being more considerate by not saying anything which REALLY MADE NO SENSE..he was arguing with her saying that on her birthday a guy said he might come see her but called two days before saying he couldn't that he wouldn't be in Nevada. B had the nerve to try and say oh he shouldn't have said anything and that he was probably playing her. She was saying that he couldn't say that because he doesn't know..which I would also agree with. I'm not sure why it is that when he is around her he suddenly make no sense. It's strange. Quite strange really. I'm not saying that just to side with her either. Then she went on saying that she was going to marry who ever this other guy was and I was just thinking O.o

It's like no you guys belong together in your weird twisted up nonsense. Then when we got back he suddenly wanted to ask the two of us which is worse.."sleeping with his brother or sleeping with his cousin" we both agreed that "brother" is worse. I don't really care. He's worse. His actions and behavior are of course no excuse though. Whatever. Then they hopped out he hugged me and told us to hug and we did which was way more weird now.

I gotta get out of this triangle though.
I don't need to be lost in Bermuda somewhere.

Histrionics

Frank Ocean- Thinking about you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWXC6Tz49OE&list=PL1BB9F624EAC53D32

Once I had said "people often find themselves (wanting to) cling(ing) to someone else"..it CAN kind of be like a sense of security. Its like the person on the end of a rope and you hold on for dear life.

I've been zoning out to a lot of music lately, been wanting to be alone and just play music, drink and sleep. Sometimes self loathing is so easy. Getting bogged down by the things in your brain can be so easy. Escaping on the other hand...not so much.

So tomorrow is Tuesday, suppose I'll be expecting a phone call...a favor to be asked (take me here, can we go there, I need to do this)...repeat performance..encore...ect. ect.

the back and fourth..the battle..I have grown restless, weary of the histrionics. Cease damn it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDxPIMWU8rc
the above link is to seven devils a song by Florence and the machine something I stumbled upon thanks to Pandora..I really like it. I'm so out of it right now though maybe I'll have more to say later.

How

Song of the day Jennifer Lopez- I'ma be alright
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzX23qVqyJg

Something I wrote last night after having spoken to B...

I'm really just sittin here thinking maybe you should just cut me out of your life eh? Think about it...no super additional drama/problems that way. The 4 of you can try and live happily or something.

I'm trying to crawl back out this hole..I really need somebody that isnt you..

And as much as I enjoy spending time with you, going places with you, doing different things with you and just being there for you...listening, and understanding..it's not meant to be between us..

On another hand..I do..I do..I can learn though to push it aside though. I've had to do it once before so I know I can but it's like every time I start my healing process here you come back to re injure me.  If it were a battle you'd be the one behind me stabbing me repeatedly and for some odd reason (as flexible as I am,) I can't seem to reach it.

Another day it is..clouded mind? Maybe a little. It's just that I know this has been a really long and dragged out process. How does she feel? That what was once done to me was done to her? How'd she like seeing those hickey's on you..and knowing that you run to me..for years now you have ran to me. How? I'm curious as to how..oh wait...I know how. I know exactly how. You've been the creator and inflictor of pain upon the masses haha.

Time to get back to work...