Memories

From earlier today..

Have you ever felt like there was a perfect moment that would never change, a single moment that would be embedded in your mind. A happy memory. 
Crazy how things can change. People change, emotions change, minds change. The speed of which seems faster than the speed of light. In a simple instant everything you once knew and were so accustom to is gone..whether you like it or not in most cases. The intricacies of the human spirit, it goes beyond comprehension. Maybe it's not so crazy and more so just a way of life.

From a couple of days ago...something happened but I feel it's better not to talk about it for now let that shit lie in the dirt.  

Been thinking about shit with B lately.  He's been calling me off the hook like every day but I just can't afford to talk to him.  I read a story from class that reminded me of him.  The story was about a girl who was in love with a guy even though she had eventually found out he was a manipulative monster and in the end he's dying and she ended it with "I would have saved you if I could" 

I thought back to the day B's family was moving back to Vegas and how he didn't know if he was going to go with them or not, even though all of his things were on the moving truck.  That day we had helped his family and then he told his dad he was going to stay. He was going to stay. For me. Or so he said. Around a month later he left me. It was Valentine's day so I'll never forget it.  He said he had to go to Vegas to get custody of his daughter because she was being kept by Child protective services and Keesha was in jail because their daughter had a bad burn on her arm.  He had asked me that if he got his daughter if I'd help him with her and you know like a dummy I was like yeah of course. Because I thought we were going to actually try to make us work this time.  

Which takes me further back to new years.  We had went to Zoo Lights Zoo Years Eve and then tried to catch the ball drop with his family but we got to the house late haha. I remember his dad being drunk and telling me that if me and his were going to try that we would have to do it whole heartedly.  As in if B was going to stay I would have to try and find a way to be with him or well live with him.  Because I seemed to be the only person who could get to him.  It'd always been that. It was always me me me me me.  

Eventually after he decided to not come back his parents basically told me to let him go.  There was no saving him.  They were sick of his shit.  He lied to everyone saying he was going to try and get his daughter but instead went straight back to Keesha.  

I was finished.  And to think he had the nerve to come back to Arizona without their daughter but with Keesha.  And ask me for help. 

The fact that now, today he is in jail and it's supposedly Keesha's fault. And he wonders why I won't write. The fuck? 

He just doesn't get it,  and he dared to say "I love you" the last time I saw him, in front of her even.  I felt complete and utter disgust at that.  

There's no hope for him. And like in Alex's piece from school..."I would have saved you if I could" 

I really tried with him.  

Lately shit has been kind of a mess.  Emotionally I'm trying to be this stoic person. This hard ass.  And don't get me wrong I think I have been. But it gets lonely in a way.  I've been spending a great deal of time with someone who is what seems to me kind of emotionally reserved or disconnected so it makes it kind of difficult and awkward for me.  I don't know how to feel really.  It's like I can't really feel anything from him on a deeper level. Which strikes me as kind of good and kind of bad.  Part of me is saying...this is a waste of time and to keep moving.  Part of me doesn't know and thinks that'd be the hasty thing to do.  In reality I think it probably is a waste of time and we are both just killing time because we really do enjoy each others company but that is about it.  

This has been causing me to have these roller coaster-ish type of emotions.  I'm okay sometimes, content and other times it's like GAH! Why can't you just give me more. I'm not talking labels, I'm talking MORE...a figurative kind of more.  I kind of can't put a finger on it.  I need more feeling but he lacks feeling.  I usually do lack feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep my mouth shut right now about it.  I think eventually it'll come out.  It has to.  Things always do.  

That's enough for now cause this battery is about to die on my handy dandy chromebook. 

Nomads

So the other day I got into it a bit with a facebook "friend" basically over something I posted. I told them I didn't ask for or care for their opinion and they told me that they don't care what I have to say about it so basically I said well what the fuck I'ma unfriend you and so I did and then my phone starts blowing up via text.  He was bad mouthing me and saying "I don't care to try and be your friend anymore..you're just a bitter self indulgent woman who goes after men who treat her like meat.." yadda yadda yadda ya oh and that some chick apparently had a video of me hooking up with some dude. And he said "I was the only one who didn't watch it" Which to that I was like um yeah whatever another made up story of his. Same chick who has a baby by god knows who, who was always trying to be my friend and get me to go do shit with her. and can't hold a job. Yeah nah.  Anyways true false I don't give two fucks.

This person though was the same guy who was going around telling people (including my parents) that he was going to ask me out. Tsk Tsk not for nothing but that was never going to happen I mean he could ask but there is no way. I always just felt bad for him. He had no friends and made up a story about some imaginary girl he was dating died. Then everyone found out it was a lie and that he had said that for attention.
So the fact that he fucking adored me and God knows why cause I'm typically a bitch to deal with if I don't "like" you.  The fuck I look like. Seems to me like someone was just butt hurt.

If I'm bitter, let that fall on me. If I'm self indulgent, let that fall on me. Let me reap what I sow.  Cause frankly I'll mow you down if you get in my way.

The Birds Interlude-Remix

"Isn't this everything you wanted?" she said as her eyes were slowly filling with tears.
She set a soft gaze upon the shadowy figure of his body in the darkness.
Mascara began to run ugly black streaks down her pale cheeks like tire tracks on fresh snow.

She grabbed a handful of the carefully stacked bills on the glass table and threw it in his direction scattering like doves being released at a wedding.
She took three deep breaths before speaking again.

"Please. Mercy me. Let me fall out of love..before you fuck her. I beg you. I gave you all my pills. I gave you all that I need. Baby..I see that she is beautiful. The most beautiful by far. I see that she makes you feel good, 'bout who you are.."
It was too late. He'd been sleeping with the Russian model for quite some time now.
He just stared blankly at the traffic light below as it changed from yellow to red.
she slowly rose from the couch and moved towards him still speaking, questioning.
"but you see how much I need you..
  you see how much I care..
  you see how much I care..
  you see how much I care?"
All he could suddenly think about was his own needs.
She took his hand and took the lead to the California King bed. Sex appeal, why not?

This is what I come back to every time. 

I've been spendin' all my time. Livin' for the thrill. All this money that I've thrown all this liquor that I've spilled. I deserve this. I deserve her body on my mattress. 

"So when you ask me what I do, all I do is hurt myself. Inspiration's all I know. Inspiration's all I have. So I deserve this." he said as he stared at the ceiling fans rickety motion above them.
The room was moist, sticky from the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening.
She rolled onto her side and looked up at the side profile of his face.
"What do I do now that you're gone? 
 What do I do when I'm alone?" 
She then laid back flat on her back, the same position as him then quietly said,
"You've been running in my head..
  What do I do when I need sex?" 
It sounded like she let out a small sigh. She then sprung up and straddled him grabbing his damp shirt clenched in her fists.
"You're my everything...
  You're my heart.."
She managed to mutter out before swallowing what felt like a lump in her throat. She could feel the heat rushing back to her face as if she were about to break down in tears again.
"You're my everything...
 You're my heart.."

He felt no remorse.
He grabbed the pillow from the opposite side of the bed and added it to his stuffing it with the two behind his head as he let out a long labored sigh.
"I thought I told you
  A long time ago
  Don't you fall in love.."