Happy fucking stupid birthday
what the fuck has this year been...
there is so many emotions and feelings that are just trapped inside because I refuse to confront or deal with any of them, my instinct is just to be numb
I hardly know anything different
I have things I'm upset about regarding my moms death and now vivid images trapped in my head
I feel there's things people will never understand. The extent of the shit I went through and had to deal with on my own.
I'm annoyed at the fact that covid killed my mother, of all the things it was something that was preventable. I'm annoyed that her "spouse" of all people gave it to her and that he was the entire pandemic calling covid a hoax and stupid and being a self absorbed anti masker.
I'm angry he told her not to get vaccinated. I'm not sure if that would have or wouldn't have saved her but still, MAYBE it could have prevented her mortality.
I'm angry he didn't take her to the hospital when she needed help, when she specifically said she could not breathe even though she told him repeatedly she could not breathe.
I'm angry she cared so fucking much about him, when he had covid, when he was sick and making sure he was okay and that he was taken care of. Where was that level of care for her from him?
All of this shit was a lot. I brought her covid tests, groceries for both of them, medication prior to her going into the hospital. I can't believe how rapid her decline was. She was admitted on 11/29/21 she died on 12/31/21 at 5:52pm. They had both been sick weeks prior. All of the holidays were ruined. I'm so mad at all of this.
The things I had to witness. Watching other people die. Seeing her scared. Having to actually threaten her because I understood how real this shit is/was.
I was driving everywhere to locate ivermectin to try to sneak in to the hospital as a Hail Mary attempt to save her.
It was me, I was there practically everyday with her. I fed her on the rare occasion she was allowed to eat or drink. I spent time with her because my stepdad wouldn't. He said it was too hard for him as if it wasn't difficult for me. I had to do it all. I had to be there with the nurses and the doctors saying she was going to die for weeks. I was there when she actually screamed am I going to die. This is the shit that plays in my head. I was on FaceTime with the nurses when they had to put her on the ventilator and she didn't want to. Me. It was my name that was her last words. Over and over my name.
She was only 55 I don't understand, so much life left to live
and a spouse who claimed that she was his best friend and yet he's talking to different bitches every day and night from all over the country of all ages and bragging about the money he got from her death, what a piece of shit, the night she died he was talking to another woman, god forbid you actually grieved your fucking wife you stupid stupid piece of shit...tbc
