Part I: (2/20)
It was once the fear of not knowing what's to come, and the torment of knowing what has been..
would you stay, would you go, or would you look the other way.
Part II: (2/24)
This phone better not ring tonight my once unrequited love, how does it feel to be at my mercy..
I will not play marionette.
Oh my sweet sweet darling, look me in the eye and tell me that you love me with as much forced coerced sincerity as you can muster, I implore thee.
Part III: (2/27)
The song plays in the background.
A white lily would float gracefully down a nearby stream.
More than a mere dismissal. Being laid to rest.
I started writing this a few days ago but had been too busy to post:
February 18th:
I decided not to write to B. My existence matters not to him therefore I shall not subject myself to his mind trickery.
I thought about it. What would I have to say?
"yes, I don't give a fuck. Oh does it hurt more now than it ever did? Too fucking bad."
Nahhh, that's not necessary.
I've been awful quiet minded thank goodness. I love the quietness of not thinking of someone, or anyone in particular.
Convenient.
Hands clean.
Quiet quiet...no talking to anyone no reach..just quiet.
February 20th: this was just some rambling I did in the car as always
It is the fear of not knowing what's to come and the torment of knowing what has been..
Would you stay Would you go or Would you look the other way.
This phone better not bring tonight, my once unrequited love, how does it feel to be at my mercy.
I will not play marionette.
Oh my sweet sweet darling, look me in the eye and tell me that you love me with as much forced coerced sincerity as you can muster I implore thee.
Slipping into that fucking abyss that of which I didn't want to go.
I knew it'd come back eventually..that feeling.
It waned before, stalled, but I see more of an opportunity now for it to take over.
The maddness has already begun.
Lives taken.
Fools ready to walk the plank.
It's a dog eat dog world.
Play or be played.
Fuck your feelings.
And if you didn't know, this is your Captain speaking.
And then it was last evening and then once again where I realized that things can roll off of me almost seamlessly. I can get them to be damn near seamless. It's a good and bad thing. I'm learning a lot about defense mechanisms as far as people go. There are so many.
With a bit of a pull and a struggle here and there there is a part of me that was fighting that gave up. Enough trying. And I say this. I was still grown up about it. Rather than running from it. Confront things head on. Like a fucking boss. Make a mistake? Own it. Don't feel like talking? Say so. Let the truth speak. Not bullshit. I'll respect honesty from anyone any day over lame ass bullshit. Let's be real. B was right about the "lie to me syndrome" that people prefer so much. FUCK THAT. At the same time this is not to be reckless. Sometimes it's not worth it. But if you respect someone enough the least they deserve is the truth. Just sayin.
It is what it is..kiss the bullshit bye bye..bury it 6 feet or if you're me 12 feet to be safe. XO.
Trilogy
In the room with the flickering lights
she kneels down over the girl
The girls long black hair knotted and matted covered her face.
She knelt over Zahia's soaking wet body.
She would flail her own hair back behind her clenching her teeth.
The lights would flicker above them.
Her knees hurt from digging at the tile beneath them.
Zahia's legs would kick and kick.
She would hold tighter and even tighter.
Zahia's pale skin would begin to turn from pale
to rosy pink to deep blood red.
She would not let her go no matter how badly her own hand's hurt and how tired they were from gripping Zahia's neck. Which was now purple and blood vessels broken from exhaust.
Eventually her eyes rolled back into her head.
Her wet feet would stop kicking.
Eventually the struggle would end.
Jager makes for a very angry Jerzee baby
and I had no idea until last night
I went ape shit last night...afterwards thinking NO NO NO NO NO
I said some really out of line things and I'm still attempting to wrap my brain around it.
My bad, my mistake, I apologized and you know what it is what it is.
Whether I get forgiveness or not is not up to me but what can I do now?
Not shit. I did think hey maybe this was God's way of telling me something.
Who knows. What's funny to me is the amount of emotion evoked.
I had fell yes sure but just too hard too fast too soon.
My friend back home even said something about my behavior.
I don't get wrapped up in people like ever.
"you know everything can't be controlled for a reason, keep faith in yourself and have no regrets. Control what you can and fuck the rest."
I am taking the time now to say. I make no provisions to anything that has been stated.
I take nothing back that I have said that has been said and that can be said.
Although I did SERIOUSLY consider it yesterday.
Anyways shall we..
First and foremost strange few days people coming..going..reappearing..I don't want to get into most of that or at least not at this time.
I got a/the letter today in the mail, five pages.
The best part I would say had to be in the "interception page" it said "Who better than for me to go to? Nobody I can think of regardless, nobody's better than the captain.."
It's what seemed to me like a guilt trip. Overall. I'm the captain..he said so himself and it's funny that THAT is what bothers him so much.
"I can't but find it more bothersome than usual =| I've heard it before, I know I have but even though I can't put my finger on it; It seems to be something I can FEEL from you rather than just hearing 'I DON'T GIVE A SHIT'"
Boy oh boy...after everything who could possibly blame me.
One of my close friends from back home told me yesterday "seems to me like you're just winging it" I didn't deny it. I am indeed winging it. And frankly I don't care. He also said me not caring is me being down about something.
Right about now I'm debating writing back to this letter, I think if I did it'd be a downer for someone who is already down and mmm not sure I feel like doing that. Reckless? Sure I'm feeling a tad reckless BUT not that reckless. I'm not trying to go destroying shit people destroy on their own. That's NEVER been my bit.
Give ANYONE enough rope and they WILL hang themselves.
Listening to some Frank Ocean stuff I have never heard before thanks to www.grooveshark.com
the particular song I've included in this post I just really like the beat, I think it's pretty catchy.
[These are not literal one liners just things that I was thinking about that were amusing me while I couldn't sleep]
"Do you buy all of your exgirlfriends lube or just me"
"my next story will be about a people pleaser who hates people"
"laying awake at night thinking about all the shit that hurts saying..if this is what getting old feels like I'm fucked"
"so going to the chiropractor and telling him my ass is tight is a bad idea?"
"does this statement relate back to the first o_O"
"I can't sleep cause the room is spinning still when I close my eyes and I'm craving potato salad. I won't be that jerk who says with a whiney voice 'I'm never drinking again" no instead I'll say "I'm not drinking another bottle by myself in a while..' Yeah..that sounds good"
And I hate myself every time
I swear I don't like you
Even in my drunkness I don't fuckin' like you
You left me
I will never forgive you..
I will never respect you
Tears will burn my mother fuckin eyes for you
And I will be the only one
left holding the smoking gun
Soon I'll leave you behind
