Eyes

I have heard that these eyes are big and beautiful
but no one has ever seen the things these eyes have seen
no one has ever felt the burn these eyes have felt
eyes that have been heavily soaked with tears
eyes that have wanted to wish away things that have been seen that can't be unseen
these eyes that have been through so much
life through these eyes
no one knows what it's like isn't that right..
but not behind blue eyes
behind these big dark brown eyes
no one knows
no one will ever know
so many songs about eyes and the pain everyone feels
they can't tell all the things we have all seen
not one person
ever

Pink Matter

I don't usually start with the song outright in the beginning of the blog but this time I am..
I know that I should be working on the expansion of "Bones" and I have been here and there although I don't  want to push the creativity with it.

I had started this little bit on Sunday and keeping in mind post (Saturday)

I wish I could sing to you
individually.
I would love to be a part of your
individual soul.
I know I'm a hard ass.
But baby I need you to hold me.
I need to feel your heart beating.
I need to know that it's there
I need to know that it's real
Cause sometimes I get so gone.
I can't feel a damn thing but cold..
or pain..or numbness.
Being with you brings me back.
Keeps me warm.

And then there you were as if you knew I were writing this.

Today...I've found myself wondering what we or better yet what I was doing again.  How and/or why.  I want to slowly back away from this. It's dangerous and I don't like it.  There is a secret motive behind it.  Trying to win me over...why? I know there must be a reason for it.  There just HAS to be.

Time to disappear again.  At least from him.

On another note, I decided to cut a certain female out of my life and all day long the texts and phone calls begging and pleading with me.  I don't care. I am the captain.

I keep listening to this song on repeat and slowly my disgust grows.

"Since you've been gone I've been havin' withdrawls..You were such a habit to call, I ain't myself at all had to tell myself naw.."

Bones

Will you hold onto those disgustingly lofty dreams.
Will you sleep with your devoted guilt.
And will these bones rattling in the closet not wake you.
Its mighty stuffled in here.
All the noise that I'm making is indeed my intent.
Make sure your bed is made and your sheets are clean because I have seen what is there and in between. We all know why you called her here.
Her and her low self esteem.
But you're dying of thirst unquenchable, unreachable, unspeakable, the unthinkable..she hears it all.
Apathetic unapologetic soul.
A fool would think these bones would be more than a noisey skeleton..rattling..rattling in the closet;
Trying to wake you at night.

funny creatures

People are so funny sometimes.
So today I received a funny text from someone I would no longer call myself friends with.
And quick run down..I received a picture of my name written in the snow.  Obviously someone wants to make pretend like they miss me.  Anyways, it was a "why didn't you want to be my girl" and "how about we pursue each other"

Funny.

Funny.
Funny.
Funny.

This is the same guy that I had caught myself slippin for until I found out he was banging a girl I was acquainted with a few days after telling me I should let someone who was pursuing me have a chance.
That was when all hope was lost.

I had tested him and he failed.  I told him someone else wanted a chance with me and he told me to go for instead of objecting.

Then the pictures of him kissing another girl surfaced via social media..clearly blatant of  where we stood.
So today to come to me and say he caught himself catching feelings for me so he pushed me away and started things up with another girl.

Blah blah blah blah blah that's all I hear.
I have no interest in any of that.  The shit was so foul when it happened.
I have no business with that type.  None what so ever.

So all this rambling that he's doing is a waste of time..sure I'll listen but that'll be it.
Funny thing about people..funny thing about karma.

He was the same person I told "the bad things that happen to you all the time are a direct result of your behavior."

That being said, I have no sympathy.

We are all subject to our actions.

Rough Beginings

So last week I made my final car payment.  That same day or rather later that evening I got pulled over because my moms insurance company didn't get their proper paperwork over to the dmv.  My licence plate had gotten taken and I had to practically beg the cop not to tow my car. All of that got sorted out by Monday evening.

I found out two days ago my family is about to lose our store because the mall wants $10,000 up front.

I was woken up to find out my moms truck had been repo'd.  The only reason why she had to even purchase a new vehicle is because someone ran a red light and T-boned/totaled her previous truck.  That truck was PAID off so it's unfortunate that now it's back to making car payments.

Anyways,

I feel incredibly lost in all of this.

Everything seems to be going wrong.

It feels like it all started going down hill after Gizmo passed.

First Gizmo, then my bullshit relationship, my health concerns, issues with my car and the DMV,  being charged money for bootcamp when I haven't been going,  losing our store (being evicted from the mall), my mom's truck being repo'd.

What else is there? For me to try and keep a decent positive attitude is really testing me.  As much as I hate my moms boyfriend at least they have each other in all of this.  I think in all honesty I would've gave up.

The last of 2012

This was something I had started on prior to the new year..
The Last of 2012:
What ever happen to people being real and upfront? if you arent really about being down for somebody don't lie and say you are, don't say say say all the pretty words that you don't mean. If you aren't about being in in a relationship then don't say you are, don't commit to something if you have no intent on committing..

I was getting hit up on some booty call sounding ish on NYE blah blah but what else is new.  Woops my phone just so happen to stop working.  B gave up on trying to call me.  The last time we spoke I told him enough of trying to have me call his relatives for him.  Just so he can ask how Keesha is doing haha fuck that. Dumb ass, dumb ass, dumb ass.  

I ended up picking up a friend to tag along with us NYE and hit mill along with star and myself and she had an attitude the rest of the night which was totally killing the vibe.  It was a good night to me at least, I had a chill time.  He asked me to come back after I took her home SMH, that wasn't happening.

ANYWHO on to bigger and better 2013

Gotta do everything I can to keep stray cats away..

Started a total body cleanse this morning, going to be drinking lots of WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER! Gonna start eating clean again.  I stopped going to bootcamp at the end of October. I went one time in November but November was a busy month for me (New job, going to Florida ect.) And I haven't been dieting and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds. Interesting to say the least.

I signed up for 3 weeks of CrossFit today, it starts next Monday so I'm excited. I'm going to finish out the week by hitting the gym before or after work.  Time to buckle down.  Let's see what happens.