Muddy Water

You would fall safely upon my safty net
but leaving you afloat atop muddy waters that would run deep.

Although, these incantations won't keep you steadily floating.
Won't keep me floating with such practical praise.
Such dirty, muddy, magical, water your heart would seemingly deem fit.
Such carefully crafted, constructed, causal nets to feel caught up in nothingness.
For I am not your keeper,
Alas a seeker at best..
Such delicate disgusting muddy cruddy water,
Your heart would deem it best..

Short Story: Final-The Birds Interlude/Wicked Games

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHu656WFNKI

"Isn't this everything you wanted," she questioned as her eyes slowly filled with tears.

She set a soft gaze upon the shadowy figure of his body in the darkness.  Mascara began to run ugly black streaks down her pale cheeks like tire tracks on fresh snow.

She grabs a handful of the carefully stacked bills on the glass table and throws it in his direction scattering like doves being released at a wedding.

She takes three deep breaths before speaking again.

"Please. Mercy me. Let me fall out of love. . . before you fuck her. I beg you. I gave you all my pills. I gave you all that I need. Baby. . . I see that she is beautiful. . . the most beautiful by far. I see that she makes you feel good, 'bout who you are. . . "

It was too late. He'd been sleeping with the Russian model for quite some time now. Had she seen the tabloid pictures?  He just stared blankly at the traffic light below as it changed from yellow to red.  She slowly rose from the couch and moved towards him still speaking, questioning.

"But you see how much I need you. . .

You see how much I care. . .

You see how much I care. . .

You see how much I care?"

All he could suddenly think about was his own needs.  

She takes his hand and leads him to the California King bed. Sex appeal, why not?

This is what I come back to every time.

I've been spendin' all my time. Livin' for the thrill. All this money that I've thrown, all this liquor that I've spilled. I deserve this. I deserve her body on my mattress.

"So when you ask me what I do, all I do is hurt myself. Inspiration's all I know. Inspiration's all I have. So I deserve this." he said as he stared at the ceiling fans' rickety motion above them.  The room was moist, sticky from the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening.

She rolls onto her side and looks up at the side profile of his face.

"What do I do now that you're gone?

What do I do when I'm alone?"

She then laid back flat on her back, the same position as him then quietly spoke again,

"You've been running in my head. . .

 What do I do when I need sex?"

It sounded like she let out a small sigh.

She suddenly sprung up and straddled him, grabbing his damp black shirt clenched in her fists.

"You're my everything. . .

 You're my heart. . . "

She managed to mutter out those words before swallowing what felt like a lump in her throat. She could feel the heat rushing back to her face as if she were about to break down in tears again.

"You're my everything. . .

You're my heart. . . "

Her voice began to crack, almost like a squeal.

He grabs the pillow from the opposite side of the bed and adds it to his side stuffing it with the two already behind his head as he let out a long labored sigh.

"I thought I told you

A long time ago

Don't you fall in love. . . "

She leaps off the bed and floats over to the glass table. On her knees she blows a line, grabs the bottle of wine off the table and retreats to a corner of the room. She sits down on the hardwood floor with her back against the cold chill of the rustic red bricks.  The light reflects off of the rain stained windows through the blinds. Green, red, yellow lights. She wraps her arms around herself.  Tall empty are bottles strewn about the room. She presses her fingertips against the sides of her head.

He could glimpse tears forming in her eyes. She gives a whimper. He casually gets off the bed and walks over to the window.  He places a finger between the blinds to see water rushing into the sewer below. He then leans up against a wall opposite of her and lights up a cigarette then folds his arms. Cigarette smoke rises in the darkness.

Her whimper grows into a sob. He can hear her breathing convulsions. As she curls into fetal position on the floor.  He can feel a burning sensation in the center of his chest with every drag.  He crushed the cigarette butt against the ash tray. He grabs his coat and his keys.  He steps over her body as he heads for the door.  She grabs his pant leg wailing.  He tears his leg from her.  

The doorknob is cold as he turns it.  The lights in the hall dimly flicker as he walks away.

Forgiveness and The Phoenix

I believe that one important part of being the phoenix is the ability to forgive
It's not just letting go or giving up
but also letting the bitterness and resentment go as well
It's not about being the Ice Queen or Captain Cutthroat
That's all comes from pain
But with pain comes wisdom
and with wisdom comes maturity
The anger and the pain is just the Phoenix burning.
Fire ablaze.
But after the rage, after the fiery hurt
out of the ashes comes something new
It is the rebirth
it is my name
the phoenix has been part of me all of my life

Afloat

I always thought I was swimming but all in all I guess I was merely floating.
Just above the water not truly part of the deep.

Something I've been meaning or maybe needing to address.

Part I:
March 4th: "Cause to me your imperfections were perfect for me
I'd take care of you in every way possible..
No matter what you always cross my mind even when I'm occupied
you were so good in your character that it made that impression.
Look to me you have an amazing caring heart.
As long as you're that open caring person I met, then other experiences that may have changed you perspective is still worth having you"

April 2nd:
"To me I'd pay for your flight to come back, do what I'd have to to make sure you're good
But that's my thought, my extent that I'll go whether you're broken or not
you're worth far more than just a mere enjoyment for a period of time.."

"Well know that you have some one here that promises to never let you down. And I've never gone back on my promises Just know that my goal would be to keep you for as long as I live"

these conversations went on beyond that but it's like...wow
I appreciate that so much but...
I'm so broken down and empty inside

Part II:
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I can do and if I should do anything about being depressed.
It's been a seemingly never ending struggle since middle school up until 2007 when it got out of control and I overdosed. Then I got it under control. On my own. Lately it's not so much "depression" or whatever you want to call it (not like it was before) but it just feels like the life is being sucked out of my body all I want to do is sleep and stay away from everyone/most people. Not to mention I'm mad/angry/easily irritated all the time.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do about it, for now I need to sleep

Beauty

Sometimes the beauty of things falls apart.
It's so simple yet so relative.
The moment when you put your feelings out there
and they are not reciprocated.
It's like the petals falling off of a flower.
You can't put them back.
Things are forever changed.
You can't go back from that.
You are forced to push your feelings aside and keep pushing forward.
But it's going to be with a different momentum.
You have to first find the momentum to begin moving again from where your heart stopped.

Crystal said that it doesn't work that way, if someone likes you they'll do whatever it takes to be with you and make things work. Is that the case when someone is "not ready?" who knows.

Sometimes it hits you when you least expect it.  You yourself not ready but things can happen.