Requiem

Lights are flickering in the white tiled room
she sits in the white porcelain bathtub
hiccuping.
the water is a dirty brown
the black and white checkered tile has blood smeared hand prints
scattered everywhere
her eyes are empty and blank..glossy and glazed over..they look like snow on a television.
the lights flicker
but her eyes do not blink.
She would break every rib..she would break every bone..she would snap them all.
she would exhale all life from within her
shuddering..she ceases to exist
lifeless limp limbs in  murky water
shriveled up skin on her fingers
the buzzing of the lights
because only the lights flicker.
In the refection the mirror an opaque shower curtain can be seen wrapped around her frail neck.
her chin touching her chest, her long black messy hair is draped on both sides.
her lifeless limp limbs dangle
her big toe just barely grazes the tile
You can't see her face though.
Only the lights flicker in the room.
no hearts beat in the room
no life left in the room
just empty shells of what has been
what has become
and what has been left.
because only the lights flicker.

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…"

Sense of Self

This morning, in an ambien fog I sat and listened to "Kid Cudi-Marajuana" although I don't smoke I am really fond of the song.  After some precious time in my head I decided that everything that has happened has happened for the better and I need to get my shit together and stop moping around like an asshole haha.  I needed a pep talk (and Thank You Chad) I know I will be fine..this time..like every time.  I've done this how many times with Bobby? He's left me this way how many times? I've always found a way to bounce back.  I've got this. I have to keep my own faith. I know in a matter of time he'll be looking for me again. He'll be sorry again. He'll need me to pick him up again. He'll be hurt again.  He'll need me again.  He'll pretend to want me again. He'll be mistaken again. He'll go back to her again. The cycle of things. I have to be the one to break it and I pray I am not stupid enough to keep doing this. I'm a smart girl.  It's somewhat unfortunate that my feelings, my heart, and my emotions run everything.  I told him, someone out there is going to know just how much I'm worth. With this being said, I no longer feel the need to reach out to him. Although everything happened so suddenly and so abruptly I'm not sure why it came as a shock to me. I should've been prepared..maybe..shit definitely.  No more sweet words. No more. No more.  I hate this bullshit that we go through together..the three of us. I want them to find happiness with each other. WITHOUT ME.  I want to find my own happiness. I think that God is preparing me for something better. Something beautiful.  Something special. I gotta keep my own faith.  I'ma get there. Just gotta be strong.  No more saying I'm sorry. It's time to say Thank you.

Reckoning

Today marks the day of reckoning between you and I. Last night was the first time in a long time that I've done what I did.  It was with your help that I found myself in such a dark place, alone, and cold. I've completely fallen in. Completely lost myself in what I've allowed you to be.  My castle is crumbling right beneath my feet.  Wait..no it HAS crumbled.  You did the ONE thing I told you would end it all.  The ONE thing that would cause you to lose me.  You did IT. Her..betrayal. You drove the knife so deep into me..twisted and turned it. Wretched. My soul is engulfed in flames. I wish I could hate you but hate is beneath me..for you it is beneath me. I am sad. I am upset. I am depressed. I am broken. I am alone. I am deceived. I am devastated. I have been left. I am sprawled out on the concrete. Screaming. Hurt. It just wasn't meant to be. You and me.  I did everything. I've wasted time, energy, love, loyalty, honesty, commitment and not to mention money. I've wasted it all. Because I built my world around you.  I made you my everything. You said it yourself. I'm everything anyone could ever want..but you didn't want me. What kind of backwards shit that is I have no idea. I hope you end up happy. I hope she's everything you want her to be..I hope she makes that change for you.
Thank god I never let those words trickle off of my lips.  It's probably definitely for the better.
You said you didn't want to break up with me because you didn't want it to end.  Oh but you did. You didn't respect me. You didn't tell me the truth. I absolutely have to let you go.
It'll hurt for now. It'll burn. My cuts..my wounds..but I'll be fine. I know that God is only teaching me a lesson..teaching you a lesson..teaching her a lesson. And showing us the way. None of us will be given more than we can handle. I will pray for you. I will pray for her. I will pray for your daughter. And I will pray for myself. I can't have sympathy for you. I know you're fighting for what your heart believes. Gotta leave me out of it though because it'll surely kill me in the end.  I gotta let this shit go..one way or another..something is bound to kill me..whether it's you..her..or me. I'm off this.

2/22

How can you want to mend the wounds you've created? How can I believe anything that you say? My heart is broken. You forever destroy all the goodness within me and I feel like it's sucking the life out of me. What you do to me kills me. It's killing me. You're killing me. You hurt me again and you ask if you could hold me. Why? What for? Why do this? You must want me to die. What you do is enough to ruin any sane person.
You will have none of me. You will have none of this. I will have none of this. Thanks to you I am sinking into an abyss of tumultuous self loathing.  Can I say that I hate you?

I will do my best to get all these things out of my head. You have no idea how you make me feel.You must think I'm   the biggest fool. You've taken all my love for granted. How the hell would I ever be able to trust you? All you do is lie. I rather be alone than be with you. I should've ended this so long ago.  I should have ended this so so long ago.

Sleep Maintenance Insomnia

So today I was reading up on sleep maintenance insomnia because I have been having trouble sleeping the last month or so. Sleep maintenance insomnia is when you wake frequently throughout the night like I do myself.




The sleep patterns of this type of insomnia include the following insomnia symptoms:
1. Sleeping only a few hours, then waking up
2. Waking up suddenly, and being unable to fall back asleep
3. An in between state where one feels half awake while sleeping
4. Waking up too early, and being unable to get back to sleep (this crosses over into what is known as early-morning awakening)
5. Waking up briefly, but frequently, throughout the night


Anyways, the cite says that if anxiety is a problem (which in my case I think it is anxiety/stress related) to try something called a "brain dump" it says "Take a piece of paper and pen and write down everything that's on your mind. Pour it out!" I've decided to do it via my blog rather than wasting paper


2/17


where to begin, where to begin...so you've left to go seek custody of your daughter, okay that's all fine and well but boy some fool am I because you think its okay to go out there and straight up play me? I swear on everything I've been nothing but good to you and I swear on everything if I find out you slept with someone while you were gone your ass is done. So help me god. I know I been freaking out because you refuse to call or text me since you been out there and yeah that is some straight up bullshit. You have no reason not to call or text your GIRLFRIEND. You had me thinking that we were going to make something of all of this. That you stayed out here to try and make your life work out here and maybe try and make things work out here with me. All you've shown me is that you frankly don't give too much of a shit.  I saved up what little..and I mean little money that I did have to buy you clothes and the small necessities that you needed. You haven't shown me shit. You don't even act like you care about me. You aren't affectionate. You don't say anything nice.  What the hell is wrong with you. Why are you so god damn thick headed. You make me want to hate you. Over and over I do this shit with you, every fucking time and its always the same result..is that insane? Remember we talked about the definition of insanity? Why the hell do we do this? You go, you come? You want me, you don't? What the fuck is this shit? I am so angry right now. With the shit from before..I'm staying, I'm going..I don't know...and I don't know. Can't decide...Can't decide. How about I help you decide..I want to walk away. You don't want me to be mean to you but look at what you do to me. You make me furious with your behavior.  Sometimes I wish I never met you. I swear sometimes I wish I never met you. You always hurt my heart. I let you in and you hurt me again and again.  I would be so much better without you.  I've been and done more for you than most would ever do.  I've always been the right choice.  You've always been the stupid choice.  I was thinking about going out there with you. Dropping what little I have and going with you. And you said you wanted that and that you'd be all I need. How can that be when you don't know how to love me? You don't know how to care for me. You don't consider my feelings. You don't consider so much. You never ask..you take it upon yourself always when my input is needed. I've gone out of my way. I've gone above and beyond out of my way. I have chosen to. I still choose to. I'm such a fool for you. I hate all of this. Stupid feelings. Stupid heart that doesn't agree with my head. Then you wonder why I yell at you. You are so frustrating. Being with you is so frustrating. What can I do? My love for you..tears me in two..


I need to be held. I need to feel your arms around me. I need a sense of security. I understand things are difficult, beyond difficult for you right now but I'm here through it all just like I've always been. Me and my small light in the dark.  Just like I keep the ring on that reminds me of you. It's a simple reminder of my faith and loyalty

Goodnight

Like a lucid dream..
I just want to sleep.
I'm not feeling like I'm something that you want
but rather something that you have.
Not sure if I'm feeling all that connected to you.
Feeling like there's no where to go with all the feelings that I feel except...
to sleep.

My love

It is my love...
my, sweet sweet sugar saccharine
honey coated terrific kind of love
that melt in your mouth like butter type of love
that smooth silky rose petal of love
my, give you the world type of love
my, I'll love you regardless unconditionally kind of love.
& That's makes me special.