By my damn self

And so..the weekend came and went and bozo got out of jail aaaaaannnnnddd I haven't heard from him since. Cool cool..
I kno that nigga fucked up. He fucked up too too too many times. I just feel like with or without him ima be fine
it's to the point where if you're with me cool...if not then cool. I know how to live regardless. I know how to be happy by myself. 

Wild One

Don't judge me. Don't sit there and analyze and pick me apart. I'm just a girl. A simple girl in a big yet so small of a world. I love myself. I'm going to do what the fuck makes me happy cause I'm all I have. I will always stay true to myself. So after some pondering I've come to a conclusion. I know that he fucked up...he fucked up too too too many times. I just feel like with or without him I'm going to be fine. It's to the point where it's like, you're with me..cool. You're not with me..cool. I know how to live regardless. Feel me? Everyone keeps telling me NO NO NO DON'T DO IT yadda yadda ya but...I can't help the shit. I'm happy when I'm around him but I know how to be happy without him and actually without anyone. 


This weekend WILL be eventful. 

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Presto! It's Pesto!

Let me start off by saying that I don't appreciate naysayers.

I was recalling a conversation with a girl that is rather obese and has all kinds of health problems. My mom asked her about exercise maybe helping some of the issues she has and for everything the was an excuse.  She at one point said I work two jobs, I'm out of the house by 9am and don't get home til 10-11pm so she doesn't have the time. This really irritated me. It's like in that case Wake Up Earlier. You don't see me making excuses I get my ass up 5 days a week and go do it. And I work 12 hours a day and I go to school and lately I've been cooking. So what now? You'll just stay the way you are with all you many ailments. Wah Wah Wah..Quit crying if you don't like it..take that shit somewhere else. Oh and what gets me even more is that she was trying to tell me what kinds of things are healthy and what isn't. It's like EXCUSE ME!? Just because you have so many health problems doesn't mean you are a doctor. Frankly I'm pretty convinced in most cases you have no idea what you are saying or it doesn't apply to whoever you are attempting to "consult." 

ANYWAYS :) 

I cooked last night lemon basil pesto baked chicken...and it came out AMAZING! The pesto was made from scratch. 

My mood is pretty good today, much better than when I posted my last blog and I was really out of it. I swear a good workout can make anyone feel better. 

Would you roll in the deep?

Went for a visit early this morning. Talked all afternoon.  I finally told him that everything isn't okay between us. That you can't just wish things away just like that.  It was hard trying not to get choked up by the mere thought of things. I told him that he has hurt me far more than I believe he knows. I also told him that his misunderstandings and behavior has made me realize quite a bit. All I could keep saying is "I Don't Know.." over and over through out the conversation.  He asked me what don't I know and I told him. I don't understand why I'm still here. I DO NOT want to care about you, I DO NOT want to have feelings for you and all I'm doing is fighting myself for no reason. He was upset. And I wonder how it felt while during the visit he told me he's missed me and I didn't have anything to say. It's been such a tumultuous journey. My heart can't take anymore. He asked me to be happy but I feel just the opposite. And now I'm craving sleep.

Johnny Appleseed

Why? Why that word..that fucking word..why? UGHH knives..daggars..UGGGHHHH.. So he said "I need comfort, I need to know why you're better than keesha.." I said "whaaa, that makes no sense, I shouldn't have to do that, in fact it should be the other way around!" Anyways after dogging him some more he told me that he wants to hold me and  that he wants to sell his tv to buy us some matching J's.

Honestly..everything is a bunch a bull. He wants to get me where he wants me, I know that...to repeat the cycle.

I had to ask though, why "I'll call u in the morning, only if you love me" bull nana..he said it's cause he thinks I love him and that I just don't want to say it for fear of rejection. And that its okay to "love" him. (I gotta put that shit in quotes) but MY...WHAT A BALLSY THING TO SAY. Hmph. What I can't bear to tell him while he's in there is that that's NOT love. What we have ever had between us has never been love..mostly lies and a person I'll never be able to trust. I just couldn't really say too much. He was callin me babe and had told some dude that I was his girlfriend. Its like no...never again. I won't ever belong to you again. Is he still hung up on the "technically you never broke up with me in person" it's like what did you expect having done the one thing I said would end it all. TSK..he called me babe and was telling me he'll be thinking of me tonight and all that other happy horse shit.

And everyone else is still up my ass about his whole situation...pretending to be/make nice to find out the scoop. Fuck you's what good does it serve them knowing they aren't going to say or do anything. Tevv...we'll see.

My status on facebook that everyone liked said this..."He's tryna plant them verbal seeds in my head, I'm no gardner. Better take that Johnny Appleseed shit somewhere else."

Three Way

Last night for the first time in a while I took an ambien. It kicked in much faster than anticipated and I was really out of it trying to move about the house. Then in my daze I managed to turn on "Limitless" I have no idea why or what was happening just seeing bright colors on the tv. Talk about weird. I woke up this morning still feeling pretty tired. My phone rang around 10:30am it was a Las Vegas Phone number so I decided to answer. It was Bobby's cousin Aaron apparently Bobby knew I couldn't get in touch with him and had to figure out his aunt's phone number so that they could Three way call me. (Three way calling is not permitted but they did it anyways) I surprised they didn't catch on because the calls are heavily monitored. One time we were talking and it disconnected because it suspected a three way attempt. Anyways I proceeded to ask him what he was going to do when he was released and he said he wants to do boxing and it's like no not like that. Where are you going to go? What about your living situation? He wants to figure it out one day at a time but I'm trying to have him seriously think about what he's going to do and have a game plan but he kinda sounds like he has sex on the brain also. That's something else I keep reiterating to him. No, no, no, no, no, no. I told him you don't got it like that. You can't leave and come back in my life expecting all to be fine and dandy and that I'm just going to hand myself over to you mentally, physically, and emotionally. What the hell?
I can see how many visits he has used and available and it doesn't look like they went to go see him. Maybe they will today. I don't know if he'll listen to me but he ought to. I know whats best for him simply. It's like taking care of a big kid. Things will be okay. This will all get sorted out. With or without me.

Reverberate

I spoke to Taira today (if it was really her) asking if I went to see him. I said no and that I don't even know where he is which is obviously a blatant lie. The point?

I'm choosing to lie to THEM on purpose. Why because everyone is playing that helpless/dumb role with me and I'm going to play in my own way. If you know the answer why ask me? If you have a way of finding out what you want to know..why ask me. Go your own way. I won't be part of it. Now I am thinking though. She said she's going to see him tomorrow and I wonder because she has no license and I believe criminal charges already against her. They also have no transportation right now (unless they get a ride.) Which is going to leave one whole hour or two half hour visits.  What will happen from here I'm not really sure as I can't get back in contact with him. I guess we'll see. I'm kinda mad that I can't get back in touch with him because I'd give him a warning about their visit.  Not sure what THEY visiting him would do.

Some of the things that's happened has shown me he needs a wake up call like:
I forget what we were talking about when we did speak last and he said "Fuck you" and I said "no Fuck You" and he said "how about I Fuck you" and I said "No" he goes "did you just say no?" I'm like "um YEAH I JUST SAID NO!" wow...really?
At the end of the visit he had the nerve to ask me for a kiss obviously he didn't get and really I'd rather smack him. 

I told him to see if he can try and call me in the morning and he said only if you love me then we got disconnected. 

Anyways..I'm pretty bothered by that conversation we had last night and how it ended because it's like how dare you... even bring that word up in a sentence...OOO that really irked me. 

Heat

The heat inside the house was ineffable.
The blaze from the fireplace set the whole house aglow.
A quiet roar, the crackling of the wood, the whipping sound of the flames.
Outside. Grey, thick, heavy clouds.
Snow falling, quietly, silently, softly.
Peering through the window
The snow weighs down every bough of every evergreen.
The heat from every exhale through her nostrils
appears and quickly disappears on the window.
Her warm hands pressed against the cold glass.
Heated fog hand prints.
The heat which is transferred from her hands to the glass is steadily escaping her.
The heat being taken from its rightful owner.
The heat, the warmth of her blood flowing through her.

Delve

So I woke up very late for bootcamp. I woke up about 10 after 6 when I usually wake up at 5. We typically start at 6:30 so I was in quite the hurry. I made it there on time but my goodness I am tired. I woke up feeling just like last night. Exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. All bad. So aside from the usual nonsense going on...a girl whose boyfriend works next door to me was telling me that they cut his hours a lot. I told her he should be grateful he has a job. I don't know what she told him but he turned around and told his bosses that we said over here that they were firing him. His managers came and bitched out my parents who in turn bitched me out. Wow..seriously? On top of everything else. -___- that is so my face right now. Not to mention I found out today of the 30 pounds I had lost I gained back 13. WOO the good news keeps on coming.
I need a drink please..and some sleep please...and to get away from everything and everyone. Feels like I can't trust anyone. This world is so cruel and heartless. And then people wonder why I keep to myself/don't go out/don't hang out with anyone. I hope today gets better and goes by smoothly...I really need to get back into bed.

Durango

Took a trip down to Durango today.  All the babies crying, people waiting, long ass line..
can't wear earrings, can't wear hoodies, coats, jackets, one key allowed with you..no hands under the table, no touching, no holding children, don't cross the divider.
Rule, after rule, after rule, after rule...sheesh...
This was my first time ever visiting someone in jail. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I can't be cruel. I wanted to go, to say look at what you've gotten yourself into now.  Okay, so I know I am not any ones Savior but I will always be a friend. At least to this dumb dumb I can say I will always be a friend. I've said it before and I do believe it. The HATE isn't in my heart, disappointment...VERY VERY much so. The pain? Absolutely. The dark places I have been? Indeed nothing is going to replace those feelings.

The wait time was super long and the visit its self was super short. I'm still undecided about the situation and what kind of advice I can give to him but at least he knows I'm here. Not on some Sucka shit so let's not get things twisted.  But I would HATE to be that fucked up of a person to just sit back and do NOTHING. How would you feel if it were you? and you had no one else...and no one there for you..feeling alone and being alone. Sure, he left me that way but that's just not me to be that person. And like I always have said it's just karma. As I will get to telling him once again because I think he needs to be reminded that He and I are not ever going to work out because he just doesn't know or understand my wants or needs.  It is just that simple and I will not force any ones hand. If it's not going to work it simply isn't going to work. I did everything and I refuse to put effort into THAT aspect ever again. Friends at best/most and that's where I'm leaving it. He needs to learn/want to help himself before moving forward in life point blank period.

I feel so stressed out. I know I'm putting it myself through it because of my feelings/heart. I don't know who hasn't been there. I just keep thinking about how I would want to be treated if it were me regardless of whatever.

This is my heart, this is who I am. This is why he can't talk shit to me or about me to anyone. I haven't done anything but be supportive which in the end will always help me and the same reason why HE has no choice but to listen to me and hear me out. Because I have always been a friend. I have always been to him the greatest person anyone could ever ask for and he's going to seriously regret that deeply.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jet/lookwhatyouvedone.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnBCZ8shp40

6am Driving Thoughts

Its a strange feeling waking up knowing someone NEEDS you; given most people don't actually physically NEED anyone for anything..or maybe thats just me. Its begun before 6am this morning with the ringing of my phone from the jail. Oh Bobby, Bobby...what a mess. His parents sent me a tweet by Dr.Mike Murdock saying "some people have mental problems, you are not their savior" And it's true, I can't do it..I can not possibly save you. It hurts me, It truly truly hurts me that you take advantage of my nature. And it pains me to have to do this to you but you deserve it bare minimum. TBC...

Karmatic Discretion

So today...today..today..today..what an odd occurance. He went to jail and I am the ONLY person he can contact..no one else has a phone that can make or receive calls. And now you ask? Now, his baby mama and cousin and his cousins gf that have all done me wrong have been BEGGING me for help. What funny coincidence is this? Just last week I mentioned something I called karmatic discretion and...VOILA! So now the ball is in my court. Pretty strange because I have all the power yet I have nothing to do with the situation. Where to go from here? Do I leave them out the loop the way they did me? Do I leave him out the loop and tell them everything he doesn't want me to? Do I play both sides? Do I even help at all? Just this morning before he was arrested the last thing I said to him was what do you want from me, Why do you keep dragging me in this? So now I wonder, Is this a sign from God because I truly feel like there is something more going on here and the coincidences could be just showing me that. Do I take advantage of the position I hold or do I help although I shouldn't help anyone or do I help to a degree. There is actually a lot I could be responsible for with this its just now up to my choosing. Hmm. Now what.....

My mojo so dope..

Kid Cudi-My Mojo So Dope:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Iz9qOhAzdc

Woke up thinking about the above song..
I really like the song that Cudi sampled which is:
Claustrophobia by Choir of Young Believers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFkd_vM9QiM

so anyways..It's been nice and quiet for me. I thought my interest MIGHT have been piqued but..I stand corrected. It was briefly but not so much. RETREATING. I felt really good on Thursday, did a little shopping by myself and was cruising home. The music felt good, the sun felt good, the drive felt good and I thought to myself..I'm going to be fine. That all is well just how it is. Everything that has happened has indeed happened for a reason and I am still able to smile. My will has not been broken. Yeah, my mojo so dope. Ohh, Oh, Oh, Oh...

Foreseeable

I got a text today from an unfamiliar number..but the same slang I had become so used to..
I said to myself. Hmph. As if I didn't see this coming. Just like I knew it would. Just like it always does.
Why me? As if he hasn't tortured me, she, himself?, us?, them? long enough. It's like really dude?
When is enough enough for you? Are you ever satisfied? You leave me high and dry on Valentine's day none the less, for your ex girlfriend/half sister/baby mama. To move back out here with her. And pop up like WASSUP? Really? That you want to see me and be around me again..REALLY? Are you outside your sideways mind?
You must be.
I've been fine and dandy. On my own. Doin my own little thing. Minding my own little business. AND GLAD actually glad that you aren't around destroying the things that I've built. You've made a mess of things and left me to pick up the pieces. Damned destroyer lol.
But you know karmatic discretion (yes I've invented that word) that's what I'm calling it. I'm too good natured for all that ill will bullshit. If need be it'll come back to you is how I see it.
I'm just praying I don't see you. I really hope you do not show your face.  I will keep my distance just stay the hell away from me. I can be your "friend" from a far. I always listen when need be. I've always been there. I've always been the same person. I'm praying that you find peace. I need you to find peace. So we can all be at peace. The drama is too much for anyone to take..especially a simple girl like myself. So the saga continues..or is it as the world turns..or is it days of our lives. How about cut the shit.

In the wild

Feels like I'm regaining feeling. Not in a way I would like though. I'm getting approached a lot again and I'm doing my best to shy away. I don't know what it is but it's like when you're hot you're hot, if that makes sense. Not like that I absolutely DO NOT have a big head. I don't know, I just feel like I wanna make excuses or like I'm okay to a certain degree but it's like keep a distance from me please. I can't have ANY one close to me right now. I don't want anyone too close to me right now...especially any man.  Physically, mentally, emotionally..Just can't do it right now. It's funny because I'm starting to gain a little bit of curiosity right now with all the attention but deep down I know what happens every time and I'm not looking for that.  I'm not going to feel better that way so staying away is the best bet.  Feels like being tossed into the wild.  I'm trying to do my best to stay in my lil cave anyway from everything and everyone.