Don't say the M word

How wrong is it that one of the bouncers we made friends with at our local hangout was insisting that I keep my glasses off and next time have my hair curly..then we find out his girlfriend kinda looks just like me except her hair is curly, sometimes she wears glasses but they are the same frames as mine.  When he was asked about the girlfriend thing he said he "kinda" had a girlfriend.  They have been together quite some time at least 10 months. That shit is crazyyyy.  I don't want to be a twin! lol

Anyways, I went to my appointment on Christmas Eve about this lymph node and the ultrasound of it was done..the technician was pretty surprised it seemed at the size of it..she said "That's not normal" and that it's too big. It's the right supraclavicular lymph node that we are keeping a watch on at the moment.

My next appointment in on January 2nd. I initially was at the ER on December 2nd so this has been going on a monthwith no real sense of what's going on. They have not done any blood work or anything.

I read two important things:
"Supraclavicular nodes are the most worrisome for malignancy"

 "Patients with unexplained localized lymphadenopathy who have constitutional symptoms or signs, risk factors for malignancy or lymphadenopathy that persists for three to four weeks should undergo a biopsy" which is hopefully why we have been waiting but I'm pretty sure it is the next step from here.

I read some things to my mom and she was like don't say the "M" word.."M" meaning malignant. I mean it definitely has to be considered though.

Here's some important articles:
http://www.aafp.org/afp/1998/1015/p1313.html

http://www.doctorslounge.com/oncology/diagnosis/lymph_node/cervical.htm


I guess we shall see.

So to update I got a call back from my doctor's office and I guess the radiologist suggested that they do another ultrasound in 6 weeks.  February 5th.  I also got a call back from the Mayo Clinic, they accepted my request to be seen but ask for $650.00 upfront, which I don't have so womp womp for now.

The Giver

Two days ago- I do believe that great things are attainable and that I am destined for great things. I believe that these lessons we learn in life are just that, thus we can appreciate and have a greater understanding and have better knowledge in the future. I have always said my heart has been a blessing. I give, I love to give. And no matter the hurt that I have come from I always find it within myself an amazing capacity to give. It is my blessing and I gratefully share that with others. Those that have been placed in your life have been placed there for a reason. Strategically.

 Yesterday- Today I took the time to think about all the attention. To those who are trying to attempt at some ME time they need to step their game up. Why should I? What makes YOU so valuable? Are you a stray cat? What are the positives/negatives and do I find you intriguing. It is what it is. A wise man told me yesterday that I need to stay away from stray cats and he was right, the men that I seem to like

 Last night- Life. One can say that no one will understand its workings with a genuine and full comprehension. Although, it can be said that it is ever so carefully orchestrated and tailored to each individual in a multifaceted learning experience. I say this..it is not about the frustration of not knowing now but the appeasement in knowing that there is always a reason. When we feel broken, when we feel hopeless, when we feel used..there is a deeper beauty and sense of enlightenment that is to be experienced. Take comfort in that.

Doing It Wrong

This lil bit is from last Friday I believe. "I have a good good heart when it comes to those important to me. I have never claimed to be pure. I am human. I am inherently contentious of conscious decisions or its it the other way around, I wonder. But do note that it is duly noted that I do not specify whether i am referring to that of my own or others."

On to other things.

So B is in jail right now facing 4 criminal charges..

1. Domestic Battery By Strangulation
2. Kidnapping 1st Degree
3. Battery With A Deadly Weapon
4. Carrying a Concealed Weapon

It seems almost crazy to me that this all happened over the weekend, he had just spoken to me on Friday.  I spoke to two of his Auntie's yesterday they both said he had her get naked and then he strangled her (Keisha) with a phone charger cord.  I don't know what it is between himself and Keisha that would make him act like that.  He and I never got into it, I've been plenty angry with him but nothing even remotely close to violence.  Okay so I did see him kick a cat once but still.  He never ever raised his voice let alone a hand when It came to me.

I remember one time we were riding around the three of us and the two of them were arguing and I just sat there listening.  She didn't know when to just be quiet.  I'm no push over but sometimes you just need to be quiet for the sake of the argument.  & I hate to argue especially if it's over something stupid or menial.

That fool. I don't know what his deal is..he looks to me for help but I'm like "well, what the hell you want me to do" and he says "everything would've been alright had I just stayed with you" UHHHH YA THINK? All of his family knew that when he was with me things were okay and that he'd be okay no matter where we were.  No one ever had to worry about him when he was with me.  Dumbass. Well "que sera sera" right?  I'm on to other things.

I'd like to title this one "Doing It Wrong." Because obviously he's doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong too though but in my own way.  I'm still fighting hurt feelings, sad feelings, fits of rage here and there and although I called it rage I rage only on the inside and I know it isn't healthy. My hands get hot and red.  I've been wanting to sink into these feelings with alcohol as my companion.  These dudes on the other hand...I don't know what I'm doing or trying to do. I know I won't feel any better but I just feel like I'm detached and I don't care.  I'm going out and doing whatever and don't really care.  Let's not get that twisted though mmmkay. I just feel like I'm talking to any and everyone who will talk back regardless of their intention I have none so It's just like wooooooo blahhhh.

But in a sense I am better.  I'll figure things out later cause right now it doesn't matter.

Someone just walked past my store and was like "EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL AND DON'T APOLOGIZE" That was pretty awesome haha.

Welcome Back

-So this is my official welcome back to the person I didn't want to be. The pursuant increased. It's like they sense it. No matter..but I might feel bad for them now. It's a dangerous time for anyone who even dare thinks to try to get close to me. Its guaranteed pain. Oh yes, the captain is back and sorrow no more. Maybe bitter but not sorrow. Sarcastic and funny. 

-A Friday B hit me up on facebook and asked me what he should do because apparently he was facing jail time. I told him to turn himself in. Assuming he did, I got a one minute call from Clark County Jail/Detention Center from him. I asked how much time he was doing and he said he wasn't sure and thinks they would take him all the way to the top, whatever that means, but it depends on his court date. I also told him a few days ago that he needs to stop. He needs to actually listen to people worth listening to instead of all the wrong people. I also told him to stay out of the bullshit.

-I have never steered him wrong.  I have always been a good friend to him. I'm not wasting a shit ton of money so he can reach out to me though.  I had lunch today with someone who knows him and he asked why is it he reached out to me and I just laughed. I don't know, I guess cause it's me.

-I have a good good heart when it comes to those important to me. I have never claimed to be pure. I am human. I am inherently contentious of of conscious decisions. But do note that it is duly noted that I do not specify whether i am referring to that of my own or others.

Did I have anything else to say? I don't think so.

Fear of Floods

I wasn't expecting today to go the way it did, maybe let alone yesterday or anything or day for that matter.
It wasn't even twenty four hours that I've been "single" and I could feel somewhat of a boom happen..like the flood gates were let open.  It started with the phone number I was given.  And then someone else that always asks me too many questions and he walked in on my mom and I having a conversation and the whole why are you sad and then it was like "oh what you're single..I'm gonna find a way to waste time in here with you" basically.  And then another who was asking if it was his turn to have a chance with me cause all he'd ever asked me for was a chance.  Talk about overwhelming.  Especially because one was talking about wrapping his arms around me and I'm thinking to myself "oh God no."

Then I realized a reflection in ways of B in my most recent ex...the one who hurt me was trying to comfort me, sit there and hold me while I sat there heartbroken..crying.  I had to force myself to get up and leave.  It's oddly enough comforting in a fucked up way.  And also I realized earlier that there are a type of people out there who need  to drink excessively before they destroy someone else but that only when they know they have to do it for their own reasons.  And the shift in attitude when that happens as well.  I didn't know that B wasn't the only one like that.

What I don't understand was why tell me that I'm not alone and then leave me. Especially while I have a world of madness around me and I needed that, I needed to be kept grounded. It's got me messed up.  And then others seemingly malicious intent.  Okay maybe I took that a step too far but it feels like an attack to me. Because I am vulnerable. But at the same time the attention doesn't always seem too bad.

And then there was a shift in my own mood. I was sad pretty much all morning, cried a bit this morning then late in the afternoon it switched, I felt anger. I felt like he copped out.  I'm not typically one to quit and my gut instinct tells me there was more to it.  I know better and my gut instinct has never been wrong.  My sarcasm..my anger..my defense mechanism.  There is a fit of rage in my heart and its unhealthy but that's my way of knowing just how much it meant to me...my feelings crept up on me and I can appreciate that because it is rare in me to let a person get a real hold of something tangible in me and that in its self if dangerous.  I have learned that the hard way.

So when I was told by one of the guys today that it'd be worth it to let me let him hold me and blah blah blah winky face and shit.  That's all bad. That's not me.  I can't do that. I'm still so sad inside. More than I really should be...according to me.

I feel lost in things.  I wasn't expecting the flood of tears. I wasn't expecting the flood of emotion.  I wasn't expecting the flood of interaction.  I just don't know at all right now.

Coincidences

So today I was talking to my gal Julie in El Paso about things and she quoted a lyric from Fleetwood Mac-Dreams.

One day (I believe it was last week) I had the song on repeat while I was sitting waiting on Rev to get home from his haircut.

My blog post last night after we broke up was also titled Dreams.

I said in my post yesterday "I keep my dreams to myself" Stevie Nicks sang "I keep my visions to myself"

none of this hit me until Julie said "players only love you when they're playing"

Funny thing about coincidences...

Dreams

Dreams that would come to a screeching halt found here
This day would mark heartbreak..heartache..and being "alone" once more.
A long winding road lies ahead in a dream.
I don't know how to feel right now.
But I know how I feel.
Back to feeling empty.
Back to feeling sad..over all sad..all over again sad..mostly sad for myself.
It is the way of life though and these things do happen.
It's what strips me of my faith.
It's what strips me of my hope.
It's what strips me of my dreams.
It's what bears down when I already feel down.
I was happy.  I had a reason to be happy. (this is not to be confused with grateful because I am always grateful)
but I wanted to be happy. I thought I could be happy.  More than anything.
I was overjoyed at first.  I believed in magic.  Now I'm just a lost girl without a hand to hold again.
Nothing to hold on to.  I very much dislike not having a place to invest my emotions.  A place where I can keep them or at least focus them.
I know how much it doesn't seem. I live a life that's full of dreams. I keep these dreams all to myself.
I hide behind my outer shell.  Most don't get me. Most never will.
I really wanted this to be real.  I did.  With every ounce of me.
It's just going to hurt now. It's gonna burn. It's gonna sting,
with every tear that falls.
I don't want to dream any dreams.

Things keeping me awake

So for about a month I had noticed a lump just above my collarbone around the time before I left for Miami. It had been causing mild discomfort here and there and some tension along the right side of my neck. Yesterday I had finally gotten sick of it and decided to get it taken care of so I went to the ER and the news I was given was not the best. Basically they couldn't do anything for me there but said it could be cancer. I was asked about chest pains and night sweats and obviously I'm awake right now. Why? Well I'd noticed I was sweating. I thought back to when I was in Miami and remember specifically having lunch one day with my friends and my chest was hurting pretty much the entire time and I was enough for me to sit there kinda alarmed at it but I didn't say anything. So now at 4:19am I'm awake and wondering. Everything I read online is freaking me out. I needed to share that.