PEM

Had an interesting conversation with Pem

Me: sad as it is i miss that dumb nigga

made me feel like i was living on the edge kinda"

Pem: I really thought about what the hell you just said ...

& I understand where you're coming from.

Somehow...

I know you ain't lying about "feeling like you was living on the edge".

It's not bad to miss someone that you really care about ...

But ... it maybe bad to have feelings for someone who's not fully into you the way you are for them.

Not saying that he doesn't care for you either ...

But it's obvious he isn't on the same level you are.

Ijs.

Me: I know

It's not that serious..just miss being around him

presence

Pem: If it wasn't that serious, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Me: you missing the point

i didnt mention it cause it was serious

serious would be pickin up and going out there

NOT

THAT

SERIOUS

comprende?

Pem: Si si ...

I understand.

But I have a question ...

Me: Hmm?

Pem: If you could, would you?

Me: nah

not my place..i mean my place is not with him

i mean sure he's good company but he's not a good person to be honest

Pem: Do you really feel that way? That he's not a good person?

Fuck what I think, how do you REALLY feel about him?

Me: he just is

he's a really really strange creature

lol

the words to describe him I can't say..predictably unpredictable maybe

in ways

don't know..I would be able to say if I knew/understood the workings of his mind

Pem: I hear ya ... you make sense.

Me: I don't know..I dunno when that fool is sincere or not..I don't know what he means..I don't know why he does the things he does..and I don't know why I ever cared

Progress

Feels like progress. As much slacking as I "kind of" have been doing, it feels like progress.
Things are back in full swing. Bootcamp as much as possible (as hard as possible..as heavy as possible.) SCHOOL..school..school..school..school..school..school..school.  And work which has been the same just about 57 hours a week for the last 3 years.  Going with no breaks..just going. No matter how tired I am, no matter if I'm sick, no matter pretty much anything. Just going.  Outside of that? I don't want much outside of that at the moment. I want any free time I have to relax because I don't really have much free time at all. I'd like to spend most of it sleeping. I would say all but that doesn't always happen. Post birthday I plan on staying home and resting if I'm not at school or working or at the gym. I want results. I am determined to make the progress I wish to make.  I don't really care so much that my parents and other people arent enthused about my fitness/weight loss goals. I recently realized that some people will never be satisfied with you physically. You must strive to please yourself and yourself only. It is YOUR body. Take former video vixen Vida Guerra..absolutely stunning, hott, gorgeous woman..she became a fitness model and now she's all about fitness. I followed her on instagram and liked her page on facebook recently to see that she endures so much criticism about her body. WHAT THE HELL. People actually complain because she's "lost her booty." It's INSANE! She looks phenomenal. And it kinda reminds me of a lot of the ish I've been hearing lately due to my own endeavors. And don't get me wrong I'm no Vida, but if even someone as beautiful as she is criticized then it only makes sense that people are going to talk crap to me. I don't know if I said that right...but yall out there know what I mean.  I know what I mean.  I'm happy thus far with my PROGRESS. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ever so shrinking ass. HAHA.

I woke up to a few messages from B last night but I was asleep so oh well with that.
For a while I had debating telling one of my friends something (that is now in the past) for some odd reason I felt like mentioning it. I had asked a different friend a while ago about it and they told me I shouldn't bother but I decided to yesterday. Felt better for that too. You know how it is when you have that compelling feeling and you're just biting your tongue and it's all forced and you want to just blurt it but you don't. Better now that it's all in the past anyways cause it doesn't/didn't matter now anyways. Look at me rambling! I'll leave this one alone..

What I do know is that I'm sore and my head has been hurting off and on today. BLEH. I just want to lay in my bed and listen to The Weeknd.

Understanding

Anyways...
It's funny that we live in a world today where honesty is not appreciated.
In that case..
Go on then..hate me, dislike me, have choice words for me because I decided not to be that person to sit back and lie and drag you through hell and not give a damn like another person would/could.
Go on..take back all the nice things that were said and that you wanted to help and yadda ya..One lesson that will come in time is UNDERSTANDING.
Because a TRULY understanding person would never change who they are or the things they have said out of emotion. Really though. Could it be worse oh yes very very very much so..but I am not that person.
And I am not going to feel any type of way because I am me. I know me. I know my likes..my dislikes..what I want and what I NEED.

But what I will say..is that you are appreciated. You and who I accepted you for are appreciated and all of the good qualities and admirable qualities and rare qualities you possess are appreciated. That will NOT change. I don't really care what you or anyone else has to say in response to that cause this is MY blog where I will say whatever I damn well please..MMMKKAY.

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/virgo.htm

Oh and on to other things..
I am indeed a curious creature..oh well.
I am at peace with who I am as a person..& I love myself. WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I just pray that everyone else can do the same.

So dumb dumb called on Monday. It was nice to hear from him and that things with Keesh are going well. I'm glad he's keeping out of trouble.

And there is a particular other someone who I was quite peeved with and I still am kinda actually..seriously if you're going to be a hoe just fucking be a hoe out in the open stop trying to lie about it because you're making yourself look like an idiot trying to hide it. I'm just sayyyyying. One day all of your bull nana is going to catch up and bite you REALLY hard in the ass.


WELL..
:p Happy Friday everyone

The Knowing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsdmtOYtxNk

Her body is wrapped in long pale blue drape like cloth
her straight long brown hair flowing in the blue grey water
she's trying to swim
all the while sinking
feet bound by chains
he's trying to hold onto her
she's trying to get away
arms slowly gracefully flailing about
she wants to break free
she's trying to kick her feet but
she remains stagnant
bubbles escaping from her nose..

you ever watch the way a body moves under water?
it is so graceful..so slow..so traceable..almost calculated..rhythmic


how silent everything is in the water..
when I think about the water I hear no noise
yet there is usually a struggle

I feel myself fighting..
resisting
struggling

I want to sink into the blue
without the fight..

From Mars

From yesterday Morning.. This shit puts me on another level, to be honest it was a level I feared..for months. I don't fear it any more. It strikes that dull ache no more. Actually I lied, it does..shit feels like absinthe..cept I've grown used to the burn. Anyways.. I've been in my head again, a lot. Off and on. It's kind of easier when it's off though..like that light switch. I feel like come next week when school starts everything is going to get turned up a whole bunch of notches. I'm going to have to regain some serious focus. And even more so lately I want to be alone. I wasn't ready. Maybe, just maybe that's why I'm back at peace with the music.