Precarious

Feels like there's always a time when I feel like pushing back against the current.

I kinda wish I was back home right now to brace Hurricane Sandy with them.

I've been wanting to listen to Rihanna-Diamonds and Frank Ocean-Strawberry Fields all day on repeat.

I want to be standing outside in the rain and breathing in the cold cold air. Let it seep down deep into my lungs. Maybe even run in it to get that burn going.

Horoscope- Your life is brimming over with possibilities, any one of which you can take full advantage of -- as long as you don't let one single rainbow go by unnoticed. Keep your eyes -- and, more importantly, your heart -- wide open. Anything can happen now if you believe in it.

Listening to both songs and I got to writing...

There will always be the sunset
Laying in the field
the sky is painted hues of colors she can't name
feels like her body is clinging to the earth beneath her
for comfort. for peace. for serenity. for eternity.
gravity pulling at her.
(wanting to rip tufts of grass out)
flashbacks to those moments when everything remained blue gray
and her body would float
her once weightless body now one with the cold
golden and green pastures stretching for miles far and wide.
But she lay as if the grass were covered with snow
and she'd spread her arms out and pretend to make angels.
The wind would howl.  It would be all she could hear.
Just a faint whistle as it would ripple through.
It'd run up her cheek like gentle fingers.
The goosebumps would send a rush right through her almost like an electric current.
And right through her and onto the brush.
Surge

Social Commentary

Okay so today's blog is brought to you by awkward instances at my family store. So let's say someone is trying to playfully flirt with you and you are in no way interested but it's at your workplace not theirs? I say this because two times so far a particular person that works in the mall has made some kind of physical contact with me. It creeps me out for one I'm not big on that sort of thing. For two it's like why the hell are you trying to touch me. Do you think before you act? It hasn't been anything serious and I'm sure I'm just being overly critical. And then again commentary on my ever so changing body, someone (who quite frankly has no business talking to me in any informal manner) and the same person who has said something to me before today brought up my butt and I really would like to punch him in the mouth. And it's so awkward too. "I'm so proud of you losing all that weight..your legs look so strong I bet they are stronger than mine..but you can't out run me..and you butt got so much smaller..It's a cute LITTLE butt now. So when you gonna let me take you out though..I owe it to you..I missed your birthday..(yadda ya)" POW right in the mouth. Leave me alone me and my butt sheesh. Plus I can't run/go away cause I work there. It's not like I go to other people harassing them (cause that's kinda what it is in all honesty.) It's just freaking annoying and I can't wait to get out of this place once and for all.
Oh and people get too comfy too quick. I talk to you because I work here and I'm obligated to be nice. I am not your friend, I don't like you. You creep me the fuck out and you smell bad. I wish you wouldn't ask me to hang out with you because it will never happen in any lifetime. I wish you wouldn't try to talk to me outside of my work place either cause frankly I don't give a damn about anything that comes out of your mouths. I'm just saying. And not to be mean but some people it's like Are you crazy for thinking you could even approach me. "let me hang out with you, I'll make it fun..I promise." Shut up I've told you numerous times NO NO NO NO NO. Happened again with the same person I told no to before cause they actually got fired from the mall but still comes around like a creeper. Asking me "when are we hanging out" my response.."ASK MY MAN" mmmkay. I'd really just wanna smack a few people. Just a few. Damn assholes.

BE EMBARASSED! TAKE A HINT?! This is from a lil while ago but it's like seriously dude

Him: So wats up I nvr get any messages from u I normally have to send them to u. hows things

Me: same ol same

Him: Nice same here Did u hear the news yet

Me: what news

Him: My termination

Me: oh thats not news thats old new now

Him:I wasn't sure if u were aware who told u

Me: i dont remember it was a while ago

Him: Of course it was doesn't it hows the job hunt going

Me: I got a new job

Him: nice gotta celebrate yea we should totally to ur new job and mine

Me: i dont celebrate much anything..ever haha

Him: well theres a first time for everything plus I could make it fun and I know ur over do for a good time

Me: nahh

Him: well I tried just know all work and no play makes renai a dole girl

Me: it's dull lol I like dull I rather be dull

Him: why cant it be dole dole is boring and u seem like you live a meaningful life

Me: dole is a company that makes pineapples well grows them I like boring I like boring and I like quiet and I like sleep I don't like parties or being outside I like staying home and being by myself

Him: that it aint nothing wrong wit that I'm just trying to help

Me: with what?

Him: idk just reaching out to my amigos be a good friend could just throw me a bone

Bittersweet

On one note, Sometimes when things go good there isn't much else to say about them. On another note, (In regards to Gizmo) Last Thursday I was at a traffic light and looked to my right to notice a small spot of a rainbow. I wanted to take a picture of it but the light turned green and I ended up with a crappy shot through my dirty ass glass. Then I continued on my way and then stopped at a QT for a xenergy and then went back on my way...I got onto the highway and right in front of me is that same rainbow spot. I thought to myself "I wonder what that means" Friday night we came home and my mom had said Gizmo had been throwing up all day and that he had diarrhea. He didn't even move from the same spot the entire day. We were all pretty worried because one week prior he had relapsed but with a heavy dose of drugs he had been looking better. Saturday she took him to find out 2/3's of his kidneys were not working. My mom had to put him down by herself. Saturday I read something on a facebook page dedicated to dogs that had lost their battle to G.M.E. it said that the animals go to a place called the "Rainbow Bridge" when they pass and that's where they eventually are reunited with their owner (ect.) Far fetched? Could be but it is a nice coincidence. Back to the first. It's really nice to have met someone that I feel like I've connected with on every level. We see just about completely eye to eye. Since day one. And when we met it was like we actually had already known each other a long time. Things just fit perfectly. And talk about happy. Unlike other things with other people in the past where I felt like I had to force myself into the situation (uncomfortably at that). No, this has been a real genuine sense of being at ease. It's truly turned out to be a lovely experience. My only downfall would be not having as much freedom in my house as I'd like. I'm working on it though. Hopefully with everything else falling into place things will just pan out for the better, with a little help from patience, understanding, and compromise.

Bye Bye

I'm not sure why B had been reaching out to me lately. He picked up on my complete shift in emotion and attitude towards him and wanted to go off on me. He got upset after tryna tell me off and try and make me feel guilty and said bye and I was kinda like bye bye mutha fucka! Your time to go was a long time ago. You packed your shit and left ME. Now stay the fuck away. Don't bother me, don't text me, don't come looking for me. I don't have shit for you. I did everything I could beyond all means of everything and I'm positive now that you are not going to hurt me anymore. You can go I'm not coming after you although I never did. I'm happier right now in this present moment. There won't be a damn person who is going to ruin that for me..not you. Not this time. Not. This. Time. Then he kept telling me I was throwing a tantrum yet he was the one throwing the tantrum. He text me I didn't text him. He said bye and I said peace and he kept texting me. So I think his problem was just wanting to try and get in MY head cuz she's not around. So whatevers with all that bull na na. I'm cool. No more pain. No more letting the poison seep into me and drag me down. That's all it was. I kept thinking last week about how I'm not meant to save him or fix him or whatever you wanna call it and that He's exactly like his father told me. That he self destructs. He's the type of person who can't handle good things or people in their life. I can't fix someone who wants to be broken. I know that. I learned that the hard way. He needs to realize that himself. I always wished him all the best and still do but I ain't bout that life. No more. He's stuck in his lifestyle. He robbed a place then called to tell me (he had no one else to tell and was screaming and yelling giddy like a child) and sent me a picture of all the money. What the fuck. Why did I think I could fix that? At least I know. I know that's not for me. I am meant for so much more. So much more.

Your heart hurts, mine does too

After going back and forth battling Granulomatous eningoencephalitis (GME) for the last 14 months our Gizmo's health took a turn for the worst and he had to be put down today. Unfortunately my mom was not at all expecting to have to to this today and especially by herself while Tom and I were at work. I didn't know this morning was going to be the last time I would get to see him alive. My heart aches and I hate the pain of losing the good friend that he'd always been. This sucks.

On Self Esteem

I wanted to share this article I read recently on Yahoo!:

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/halle-berry-why-shes-had-bad-choices-men-161400233.html

[Halle Berry, 46, is opening up about her failed past relationships in a new interview with T, The New York Times Style Magazine, where she says "her picker's broken" when it comes to men.
Berry's rocky relationships are no secret. The collapse of Berry's four-year marriage to baseball player David Justice resulted in a suicide attempt, her second husband Eric Benet went into sex rehab and admitted to cheating on her repeatedly, and now she is currently in a custody struggle with her daughter Nahla's father Gabriel Aubry.
"My picker's broken," Berry tells T about her ability to choose men. "God just wanted to mix up my life. Maybe he was thinking, 'This girl can't get everything! I'm going to give her a broken picker.'"
But now that she's engaged to Olivier Martinez, she says her picker is apparently "fixed now."
According to Berry, part of her questionable past choices comes from her admitted low self-esteem.
"Just because they see my face doesn't mean they see me. A person's self-esteem has nothing to do with how she looks," she says. "If it's true that I'm beautiful, I'm proof of that. Self-esteem comes from who you have in your life. How you were raised. What you struggled with as a child."
Her childhood struggles include being raised by a single mother and having a hard time fitting in due to being bi-racial.
"My mother tried hard," Berry says. "But there was no substitute for having a black woman I could identify with, who could teach me about being black."
"I always had to prove myself through my actions,"she recalls about being the lone black student in a nearly all-white school. "Be a cheerleader. Be class president. Be the editor of the newspaper. It gave me a way to show who I was without being angry or violent. By the time I left school, I had a lot of tenacity. I'd turned things around."
Still, her "humble beginnings" very much affect her today -- even on the night she won an Oscar for Monster's Ball.
"I always felt like the underdog. Behind the eight ball. I learned not to be too high on the hog," she explains. "Even that night I won the Oscar, I had a fundamental knowing, it was just a moment in time. Driving home that night, back to my house, I felt like Cinderella. I said, 'When this night is over, I'm going back to who I was.' And I did."
Halle is now set to return to the big screen in Cloud Atlas after a bit of a hiatus, but just don't call it a "comeback."
"I never went anywhere," she says. "I just seized the chance to be in an extraordinary film with an extraordinary cast, exploring an idea that's relevant to everyone."
Cloud Atlas hits theaters October 26.]

I found this rather relatable !

Really?

So I'm at work doing my usual, and this person that works in the mall (not the one previously mentioned) comes in and asks me how my day is ya know the whole bit.  He proceeds to tell me I need to let him take me out sometime and was going on about how he thinks I'm beautiful and how he likes my personality yadda ya. The same guy that's come in my store multiple times with a couple different women. (HAHA.) He starts saying "I'd really love to..I mean I don't know what kind of guys you like but..." and then my moms boyfriend comes in and he kinda panicked and changed the subject. CLASSIC!

On another note, B has been calling/texting me the last two days. He said Keesha took off with all his stuff for now.As soon as he said he was lonely I shut myself off from the rest of the conversation.  I've been so content and satisfied with things at this point in time (knock on wood) so I just sat and listened or half ass listened actually cause it's always the same I'm so tired of listening to him saying the same things about her..he's gotten to sound like charlie browns teacher.  Yesterday I was pretty sure I was going in and out of sleep and he kept talking til he realized I was half sleep.  Don't really care much. He said sometimes with the way I act about things he doesn't want to talk to me. It's like shit well then don't, your ass always comes back to me with that sad story.  Good grief.

Know what I think

So for about a month I kept hearing that one of the boys that works next door to me wants to ask me out from pretty much every other person that works there too.  I kept telling everyone that was funny because he never even really talks to me at all. One time he spoke to me he said "your shoes are nice but mine kill those"
I'm not a sneaker head. You won't ever catch me waiting in line for some shoes to come out.  I don't "need" to have any one particular pair of shoes, frankly I think that's ridiculous. Anyways it's not even like that was the nicest thing he could say to me either.  So whatever he eventually ended up chasing me down one day and asking me out. I said maybe leaning towards nah (in my head it was really no) just so it wouldn't seem so bad. Then I find out he told ALL his other coworkers I said yes. He even posted it on facebook saying "I finally asked her out and she said yes!" that put me off soooooooooooooooo much.  Then one of his coworkers came in saying "so I heard you blew him off. Ya know I'm glad I did because any and everything would have been broadcasted for the entire mall.  Nah I'm cool.  Say what you want. Think what you will. And so that being said, another one bites the dust! Smh.

The Birds (Part 1) Interlude Lyrics

I forgot to mention that Abel debuted a brand new interlude at the concert and it struck a chord with me so I felt like sharing this with you.


The Birds (Part 1) Interlude Lyrics
(Girl:)
Baby
Baby
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up
Please, mercy me
Let me fall out of love, before you fuck her
I begged you
I gave you all my pills
I gave you all of me
Baby..
I see that she is beautiful
The most beautiful by far
I see that she makes you feel good 'bout who you are
But you see how much I need you?
You see how much I care?
You see how much I care?
You see how much I care..?


(Abel's part):
I've been spendin all my time, livin for the thrill
All this money that I've blown, All this liquor that I've spilled
I deserve this..
I deserve your body on my mattress...
So when you ask me what I do...
All I do is hurt myself
Inspiration is all I know...
Inspiration is all I have
So I deserve this...
I deserve your body on my mattress...


(Girl:)
What do I do now that you're gone?
What do I do when I'm alone?
You've been running in my head..
What do I do when I need sex?
You're my everything...
You're my heart..
You're my everything...
You're my heart


(Abel:)
Ouu, I thought I told you, a long time ago
Don't you fall in love..
Don't make me make you fall in love...
Don't make me make you fall in love with a nigga like me..
Don't you fall in love with a nigga like me.. (6x)
Like me...


*Start of The Birds Pt 1*

10/10 The Weeknd Concert in Phoenix

Wednesday was the concert and it was amazing.

Abel, his music speaks to me. His tortured soul (and maybe not so tortured but either way), It comes out through his music. The things he has been through. His experiences.

For me it comes out in my writing.

Have you ever felt that? It is such a deep, raw, lamenting emotion.  It is such beautiful discourse.  The chord of pain it sings to.  Beyond the normalcy, beyond the reality, beyond the surface of pain. This strikes deeper.  This is the art of madness, the art of the magnificent.  The beauty of raw flesh.  A caress.


The video for Rolling Stone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORVz_qeKgvg

Abel seemed so amazed at us (his fans)..we sang every word. The best part had to be seeing him smile.  It's not something you get from his music.  It's rarely in pictures.  But it is certainly beautiful to see.  It was sincere.

Memoirs: Epiphany (Edited)

My teacher made a suggestion to make the story funny, after he read the first version he was kidding around like "hey that's my toothbrush" so I decided to incorporate that into the piece. 
This is what I came up with..


But It Was Mine

Her
"My name is Natalya and you are?" I told the girl my name as I stared at my green toothbrush hanging out of the side of her mouth. Natalya looked to be about twenty, had dirty blonde hair and bangs swept to one side. She told me Bobby was still sleeping then attempted to call him saying, "there's a girl here." Of course he didn't dare to get up.  I peeked into his room to see him sleeping just like how I had left him the night before, "So how long have you known him," I asked her inquisitively. "Oh about a month," she replied. Intrigued, she asked me the same; painstakingly I said, "about eight months." Her blue eyes grew big at this. Natalya grabbed her bag and purple shorts off of the brown sofa then hurriedly said, "I don't have time for this," walking out of the front door. I stood there in shock not knowing what to do, how to feel, or what to think.  A few minutes later Bobby emerged, his thick long brown hair was wild and everywhere, he stood for a minute in the bedroom doorway in his boxer briefs holding a pillow against the side of his waist with a familiar smirk on his face. I could not find the words at that particular moment for the feeling inside of me.  I stood there looking at the tattoo across his lower abdomen that said “want some.” I could feel sarcasm welling up inside of me. Part of me wanted to burst out laughing! He looked at me with a "pretending to be sleepy-ish" look on his tan face.  I chose not confront anything at the time. I still was trying to understand what just happened.

Him
He went to get dressed...but first he popped the top off his favorite green glass bottled drink.   From heineken to two-eleven steel reserves. His drinking habits always tipped me off when something was up or bothering him.  We had to go to Arrowhead mall to pick up his cousins from work. It was much farther than I expected.  “Those are inmates” he said when he noticed an unmarked white van followed by a cop car. “Of course you would know,” I thought to myself. By the time we arrived he was already drunk and began being inappropriate, reaching to put his hand in my back pocket. I slapped his hand away. As we walked past a sunglasses kiosk, the employee was around on the other side so Bobby casually put a pair of sunglasses on and kept walking.   After that I wanted to go have a "sit down" meal in hopes food would do him some good.  We went to Chevy's Tex-Mex restaurant.  Inside he was screaming, laying sideways in the booth, and yelling at the waiter. I felt so embarrassed at his child-like behavior. It was time to head back to Mesa, “go to sleep.” I told him as soon as he slumped into the passenger seat.  I was tired of his drunken rambling and behavior.  It was a long drive back. My ipod was on repeat so the same song just kept playing over and over, like the morning in my mind. My toothbrush was all I could think about.

Me
That evening I began to drink.  Lemonade flavored four loko followed by iced tea joose. We were outside his apartment in the parking lot with his brother and cousins when the alcohol began to take hold of me.  I began putting pressure on the can and it made popping sounds. My emotional state went into overdrive. Out of nowhere I began pushing him, angrily pushing him. He was sober and now I was not. He asked me to come inside because he was hungry, so he started cooking.  I stared at his tiny pot plant in the kitchen sink, thinking. Thinking about my morning discovery reduced me to tears. I didn’t understand why.  He stood there while the meat cooked and just looked at me, spatula in hand in bewilderment. Tears seemed to be pouring out like the monsoon rain. I felt so ashamed to be crying like this in front of him.  He then wrapped his arms around me.  Coaxing me to stop crying.  What was this? Truth staring me in my oceaned eyes. The person who had hurt me was the one comforting me.  It made no sense at the time but was exactly what I needed to feel okay. I needed a new toothbrush.

Memoirs: Epiphany

For my 217 class we are discussing Epiphany Writing.

The point of this assignment is to tell a story where a realization is made at the end.
This is the unedited version of what I'm putting together thus far:

When I first arrived to find an unfamiliar car parked out front I didn't think anything of it. Until I reached the front door and found lights on I had not recalled leaving on. I thought maybe he got up and turned them on, but he usually isn't one to turn on too many lights in the morning. As I entered the living room I could hear water running in the bathroom.  I could see the lights were still off in the bedroom and but there was a glow from the bathroom light.  There was a pair of purple shorts folded neatly on the arm of the sofa.  Then there was her. A girl with dirty blonde hair bangs swept to one side with a toothbrush in her mouth came out and shook my hand. Startled.  I did not know what to do or say. She proceeded to say "My name is Natalya and you are?" I told her my name. She told me he was still sleeping then attempted to call him saying, "there's a girl here" Of course he didn't dare to get up.  I took a peek into his room to see him asleep exactly how I had left him.

I had then asked her, "so how long have you known him?" She said "Oh about a month." How curious I was at this, she asked me the same with shame and regret I said "about eight months." She grabbed her things and said "I don't have time for this." She left. I stood there, not knowing what to do. How to feel. What to think.  And then..he emerged hair wild and everywhere, in his boxer briefs holding a pillow against his waist and a smirk on his face.I could not find the words at that particular moment for the feeling inside of me.  I just stood there looking at him and he just was looking at me with a "pretending to be sleepy-ish" look on his face.  All I knew was that the day was already planned and we had things to do and that I would choose not confront anything for the time being.

He knew we had things to go do so he proceeded to get dressed but first..a heineken. At 10 something in the morning.  And the drinking continued.  His drinking habits always tipped me off when something was up or bothering him.  I assumed it was this mornings incident that had him started so early.  Then 2-11 steel reserves.  We had to go to Arrowhead mall that day which was much farther than I expected.  By the time we arrived he was drunk.  Yelling and acting belligerent. We were walking past a sunglasses kiosk, the employee was around on the other side he casually put a pair on and kept walking.  There was a kiosk in the food court selling "splat backs" the very item he sold in our mall, he thought it would be funny to make a mockery of the guys selling them there by telling them about the product and how to use it.  After the fun was had I wanted to go have a "sit down" meal.  I always love "sit down" meals.  We went to Chevy's.  He was acting a fool. Screaming and laying sideways in the booth.  Just acting like a big child. We continued the rest of the day as planned. When it was time to head back I told him to go to sleep.  I was tired of his drunk rambling.  It was a long drive back.  He had left a song on repeat and I could not get to my ipod while driving so it just played. Over and over.

That evening I began to drink.  His cousins saw me finish the drink I had and urged me to drink more because it was only 7pm and so I did.  I remember being outside in the parking lot pushing him.  Angrily pushing him. Funny thing was now he was sober and I wasn't. We went inside and he started cooking.  I remember crying and being so upset thinking about my morning discovery.  He stood there while the meat cooked and just looked at me, spatula in hand. Sobbing. I remember how hard I was crying. And how ashamed I felt to be crying like this in front of him.  He then wrapped his arms around me.  Coaxing me to stop crying.  What was this? The person who had hurt me was the one comforting me.  It made no sense but at the time was what I needed to feel okay.