It is the Captains Way of Life

Am I really wrong for not giving second chances?
I have found that when I first meet someone and they do something I don't like and or appreciate within like the first week of me knowing them that they stand zero chance.
Apologies and everything.
I make up my mind about someone and BOOM! It shall not be undone.
Don't we all have that person in our lives who just doesn't stop incessantly talking?!
It's like, obviously I don't care. Also refers back to having my mind made up about people.
After that I can't care. I literally can not care.
It offends most people, people think its Bitchy blah blah ect.

Then there is the acts of desperation that some individuals will subject themselves to.  See, you may be willing to quote unquote behave completely selfishly because of me. But I can be selfish too.  My needs are my own.  My needs shall come before your own because you have already hung yourself with my rope.

I was absolutely serious before when I said, someone is going to realize what a catch I truly am without having to play games.

Every/anyone else...they don't mean shit if they blew their opportunity. Even if we are still  "friends"  :D

I am probably wrong, but all of my life I spent give, give, giving to others even when it left me with nothing every time.  Big mistake. Why should I let people walk on me? Why should I let people take advantage of my nature? When things are good, they are and have the potential to be...amazing. But, wreck it and that's the end. It is so simple.

"The ESTJ is outspoken, a person of principles, which are readily expressed. The ESTJ is not afraid to stand up for what she believes is right even in the face of overwhelming odds. ESTJs are able to make the tough calls."

Nails

Ever get a piece of information that you feel like would just change your whole life forever.
Even if it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form.
Something that catches you so off guard that you suddenly feel the need to catch your breath.
That puts a knot in your stomach, makes you feel nauseous.
And makes you fight back tears with that lump in your throat.
But this is fate.
This is what is meant to be.
I just feel like wow.
All nails hammered into the coffin.
I, I just can't believe it.
I remember when we were young and crazy about each other and I still have both rings he gave me.
I remember all the promises.
The rings that were supposed to represent Hope and Faith.
He was the only man I ever said "I love you" to.
And now he has a daughter.
Why do I feel like this?

On October

Felt like October went by quickly. 

Which reminds me of http://divinephoenix1.blogspot.com/2011/01/assignment-1.html

How the month of October may forever remind me of Friday October 13th 2006 

which brings me to my next point...

I was in the shower thinking about how we all just behave so mindlessly it seems

what the hell is the point really?

Moving about with the same routines day in and day out 

It's just so pointless, useless

people are such emotional creatures

and sometimes I wonder why I didn't die that day 

when my heart was racing over two hundred thirty beats per minute

what kept me here when I still to this day don't even really care to be here

Nothing really changed about my mindset

So what I decided to eventually stop playing with razor blades

but that was on my own

I grew out of that, eventually it got boring 

and it wasn't enough 

more and more and more and that fucking feeling 

that burn and rawness of flesh

God it disgusts me now when I think about it

although

I won't say I haven't thought about it though since I "stopped"

because I am impulsive at times

it is an unhealthy mindset, yes sure

I've always been a terribly morbid creature

I've always been attracted to darkness

and my own darkside

It is all I have ever known

all I have learned to embrace

but why not? 

I'm feeling lifeless again

Life being sucked right out of me

like I'm floating down into the bottom of the ocean

but I don't ever fight that feeling

craving sleep

craving darkness

isolation

&

numbness

blah 

Anyways

I have only ever dropped everything and gone running to two people in my life.

I still feel a type of way about them both individually.
Although I don't actually talk to either of them but that is fine for me.
I can't say that I would salvage either relationship though.
I would not save anyone that has come and gone through my life.
Everyone you meet, you meet for a reason. They are either a blessing or a lesson.
I have had more lessons than blessings but I'm getting there.

I don't often talk about "love" out in the open.
I don't believe that it's meant to be perfect.
Sometimes that's what makes something beautiful, imperfection.
I've never been one to be optimistic
but I will say that it will come at the right time with the right person
even if it doesn't come slap me in the face.

But for now I am tired of people throwing their emotional baggage at me.
It's draining.
These last couple of weeks especially.
I am glad that as of last night I am feeling much better.

And I am also back to being The Peach

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

"Tell me I'm your national anthem..."

Blue Jeans

I feel like every so often I get into erratic relationships.
I've  been listening to nothing but Lana Del Rey and it reminds me of B who has now given up on calling me it seems which is perfectly fine. He had a court date for yesterday and now one for January of 2014, he will have been locked up a whole year soon.  This music reminds me of what it was like to feel that way. The entire album.
That horrid ache down in my chest that tempts me to scream at night.

And then there was an email I received at 11:20pm from someone else stating:
"I miss you Renai, it hurts to talk to you but it kills me to not talk to you. You're all I think about and all I want. I'm not happy without you. I want to hold you again and kiss you. I want to make up for everything and treat you like you should be treated. You are the only one that has ever truly understood me and I've made a real genuine connection with."

Alas, how terrible it is that I don't believe it.  And even if I remotely did...I have no feelings left for or towards him. He missed out.  Pushed me away when I wanted to be closer multiple times.  I can't even look back now.  Maybe if we had a deeper connection but to me we didn't.  I was just his muse to pass the time.  I'm not even his "type" as he had once told me. Well, too bad so sad.

One of my closest friends who had already been diagnosed with cancer before found something suspicious on his body which is tripping me out at the moment.  I know that me not having followed up on my own cancer scare is bad enough but I don't know what I would do especially after my antics last week of trying to push him out of my life because feelings scare me.

That argument we had, it was the first time I actually cried in a long while it felt kind of refreshing strangely.  He was absolutely right.  I have no right to be Captain Cutthroat at times when it comes to people who actually care even if I am blind to it which sometimes I am blind.  I find fault and motives and run away.  I wasn't telling him why I actually came out of no where and said "we can't be friends anymore" I also partially blame hormones, maybe that's why I was crying too.  I don't really know, anyways I have fires to work on putting out. -____-

Fears recited

I am scared to have unreciprocated feelings.
I am scared I will want too much, expect too much, and do too much.
I want and need to be held.
I have never been close to someone of the opposite sex for so long up except as a pen pal.

What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of giving a person more than they deserve.
I am afraid of caring too much.
I am afraid of being left high and dry.
I am afraid of being left for someone else without my dignity.
I am afraid of feelings.

I just want to love and be loved.
I just want a simple life.

I have considered risking these fears.
Honestly I rather not, I rather run.

The reason you can't be in a relationship is to protect yourself, Regardless of if we're really good for each other or could be or have been all along. Regardless of my intent.

The reason I run is to protect myself. Regardless of whether you're good for me to keep around or if you care about me. Regardless of your intent.

Same

I was in the shower truly thinking..."I am the same lonely girl that I have been my entire life..." I don't know when this shit will ever end.

On another note.
I know certain people have not changed, I know just by their character that they haven't changed.

Trying to fool me.

I'm smarter than that.

No regrets

I don't call because all you do is drill me as to when am I coming back. And to be truthful I don't know. That's why I avoid you.

That's all you ever do and I don't have the answer. I may never have the answer.

Captain, captain...I don't need the pressure. I know how you feel but

Numerate never denominate that's why I can't reciprocate...
your feelings. 

It's just the shit that I'm used to.
Not my intent to bruise you.
I don't want to abuse you.
So I take to the sea and be on my way.

And I know you don't understand.
I know you don't comprehend.

And now you asking me why it is
And how it is and when did my feelings change

But my feelings never changed.
Dueces wild Dueces wild baby.
Nobody told you to invest in me.

Tears in the rain

And in that moment I had forgotten who you were,
You were everything and nothing all at once...

The bounce back.  You give up something now only to regret it later.

Maybe someday somebody will get it right the first time.

I'm just laying here wondering. And waiting.

Shift?

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RBLM&g=0&o=1

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You’ve been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you’re a really fantastic girl who doesn’t really know what she wants, and you’ve broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you’re there, either boredom or the old “grass is greener” syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you’re not the classic “love ’em and leave ’em” type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you’re theoretically looking to settle down, you don’t settle long on one person. “Serial monogamist” is probably something you hear a lot. “Emotionally loose” is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn’t really make much difference. Of course, it’s not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Songs on Repeat

I want to breathe again
Tired of choking
I want to breathe again
Tired of suffocating
I want to breathe again
O God resuscitate me
I want to breathe again
I need to breathe again
I'm holding on to empty
Caught holding on to nothing
I've lost a part of me
Now I'm screaming to nothing

Intergalactic

I've been trapped here in this sky
Waiting on a gallant hero
To free me from this life among the bleak dimly lit stars.
Super Nova...I am a brighter star.
Can you hear me out there my dear space traveler?
Let me show you something beautiful.
Let me show you something worth exploring.
Something out of this world...this galaxy...this universe.

down

It is most often truth

that rears the ugly head of grievance 

behind clenched teeth and unparted lips. 

The bittersweet empire of honesty at its core.

Heart still aches...bleh. 

Just some fun with words

But soft, a treacherous lioness none the less would whisper sins of times past to my carefully awaiting ears.

Heavy with discourse, cluttered with remorseful doubt.

Dreams would make one but a merciless fool.

Shattered be thy heart whose putrid soul comes fourth from foul lit shadows.

The murky depths of the abyss unbeknownst to innocence held true by way of such a scouring recourse.

Let it be here in your grieving yonder that your smile should fade to black. 

And so it was written in the stars but words do not pass these unparted lips.

They do not dare to be spoken. 

These words, the only words that flow through my brain

That swallow and consume every other condemned thought. 

The philosophies, atrocities, audacities of molten time lapsed memories. 

Ramblings

I have given you so much more than you could even ask for
yet here, you deny me my truth
I can see right through you
there's no way to ease your troubles
yet ever so longing for you to ease my own
what happened to salvation?
you are only ash and bone
cold rock, rolling stone
I've resigned from your troubled whims
because I live for more than what you offer me with only your shadow

What Now

all these emotions yet nothing wants to come out, every time I have the intent to write and talk about things and how I'm feeling nothing wants to come out...sigh.

Kissland

A few things from this last week that I just didn't get around to posting:

You were wrong, the imaginary form of something that was never there.Carving out more emptiness than what was there to start.
Unreal fake flattery.
Reality bitter reality.
You were never really mine.
Fade your face in time.

Sometimes I want more than anything to disappear.
To not feel.
Detach myself from this all too sullied flesh.
This process is never pretty.
And I have to remind myself that this is what I need to learn to stop doing this shit over and over again
If I don't shake this feeling I might not return

Lately

It is the choke hold grip of reality that has made me this way. It is the negative that is what's real. I may not have been blessed with the ability to cope with it, but I have been blessed with the ability to realize it. Fairy tales aren't true and bad things happen to good undeserving people. It isn't a matter of treating others how you want to be treated,  Humans are inherently selfish creatures. This race is damned.

Wishes denote a broken heart.

We the people, forsaken by the rapture of kindred spirits and lofty disappointing dreams.

Muddy Water

You would fall safely upon my safty net
but leaving you afloat atop muddy waters that would run deep.

Although, these incantations won't keep you steadily floating.
Won't keep me floating with such practical praise.
Such dirty, muddy, magical, water your heart would seemingly deem fit.
Such carefully crafted, constructed, causal nets to feel caught up in nothingness.
For I am not your keeper,
Alas a seeker at best..
Such delicate disgusting muddy cruddy water,
Your heart would deem it best..

Short Story: Final-The Birds Interlude/Wicked Games

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHu656WFNKI

"Isn't this everything you wanted," she questioned as her eyes slowly filled with tears.

She set a soft gaze upon the shadowy figure of his body in the darkness.  Mascara began to run ugly black streaks down her pale cheeks like tire tracks on fresh snow.

She grabs a handful of the carefully stacked bills on the glass table and throws it in his direction scattering like doves being released at a wedding.

She takes three deep breaths before speaking again.

"Please. Mercy me. Let me fall out of love. . . before you fuck her. I beg you. I gave you all my pills. I gave you all that I need. Baby. . . I see that she is beautiful. . . the most beautiful by far. I see that she makes you feel good, 'bout who you are. . . "

It was too late. He'd been sleeping with the Russian model for quite some time now. Had she seen the tabloid pictures?  He just stared blankly at the traffic light below as it changed from yellow to red.  She slowly rose from the couch and moved towards him still speaking, questioning.

"But you see how much I need you. . .

You see how much I care. . .

You see how much I care. . .

You see how much I care?"

All he could suddenly think about was his own needs.  

She takes his hand and leads him to the California King bed. Sex appeal, why not?

This is what I come back to every time.

I've been spendin' all my time. Livin' for the thrill. All this money that I've thrown, all this liquor that I've spilled. I deserve this. I deserve her body on my mattress.

"So when you ask me what I do, all I do is hurt myself. Inspiration's all I know. Inspiration's all I have. So I deserve this." he said as he stared at the ceiling fans' rickety motion above them.  The room was moist, sticky from the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening.

She rolls onto her side and looks up at the side profile of his face.

"What do I do now that you're gone?

What do I do when I'm alone?"

She then laid back flat on her back, the same position as him then quietly spoke again,

"You've been running in my head. . .

 What do I do when I need sex?"

It sounded like she let out a small sigh.

She suddenly sprung up and straddled him, grabbing his damp black shirt clenched in her fists.

"You're my everything. . .

 You're my heart. . . "

She managed to mutter out those words before swallowing what felt like a lump in her throat. She could feel the heat rushing back to her face as if she were about to break down in tears again.

"You're my everything. . .

You're my heart. . . "

Her voice began to crack, almost like a squeal.

He grabs the pillow from the opposite side of the bed and adds it to his side stuffing it with the two already behind his head as he let out a long labored sigh.

"I thought I told you

A long time ago

Don't you fall in love. . . "

She leaps off the bed and floats over to the glass table. On her knees she blows a line, grabs the bottle of wine off the table and retreats to a corner of the room. She sits down on the hardwood floor with her back against the cold chill of the rustic red bricks.  The light reflects off of the rain stained windows through the blinds. Green, red, yellow lights. She wraps her arms around herself.  Tall empty are bottles strewn about the room. She presses her fingertips against the sides of her head.

He could glimpse tears forming in her eyes. She gives a whimper. He casually gets off the bed and walks over to the window.  He places a finger between the blinds to see water rushing into the sewer below. He then leans up against a wall opposite of her and lights up a cigarette then folds his arms. Cigarette smoke rises in the darkness.

Her whimper grows into a sob. He can hear her breathing convulsions. As she curls into fetal position on the floor.  He can feel a burning sensation in the center of his chest with every drag.  He crushed the cigarette butt against the ash tray. He grabs his coat and his keys.  He steps over her body as he heads for the door.  She grabs his pant leg wailing.  He tears his leg from her.  

The doorknob is cold as he turns it.  The lights in the hall dimly flicker as he walks away.

Forgiveness and The Phoenix

I believe that one important part of being the phoenix is the ability to forgive
It's not just letting go or giving up
but also letting the bitterness and resentment go as well
It's not about being the Ice Queen or Captain Cutthroat
That's all comes from pain
But with pain comes wisdom
and with wisdom comes maturity
The anger and the pain is just the Phoenix burning.
Fire ablaze.
But after the rage, after the fiery hurt
out of the ashes comes something new
It is the rebirth
it is my name
the phoenix has been part of me all of my life

Afloat

I always thought I was swimming but all in all I guess I was merely floating.
Just above the water not truly part of the deep.

Something I've been meaning or maybe needing to address.

Part I:
March 4th: "Cause to me your imperfections were perfect for me
I'd take care of you in every way possible..
No matter what you always cross my mind even when I'm occupied
you were so good in your character that it made that impression.
Look to me you have an amazing caring heart.
As long as you're that open caring person I met, then other experiences that may have changed you perspective is still worth having you"

April 2nd:
"To me I'd pay for your flight to come back, do what I'd have to to make sure you're good
But that's my thought, my extent that I'll go whether you're broken or not
you're worth far more than just a mere enjoyment for a period of time.."

"Well know that you have some one here that promises to never let you down. And I've never gone back on my promises Just know that my goal would be to keep you for as long as I live"

these conversations went on beyond that but it's like...wow
I appreciate that so much but...
I'm so broken down and empty inside

Part II:
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I can do and if I should do anything about being depressed.
It's been a seemingly never ending struggle since middle school up until 2007 when it got out of control and I overdosed. Then I got it under control. On my own. Lately it's not so much "depression" or whatever you want to call it (not like it was before) but it just feels like the life is being sucked out of my body all I want to do is sleep and stay away from everyone/most people. Not to mention I'm mad/angry/easily irritated all the time.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do about it, for now I need to sleep

Beauty

Sometimes the beauty of things falls apart.
It's so simple yet so relative.
The moment when you put your feelings out there
and they are not reciprocated.
It's like the petals falling off of a flower.
You can't put them back.
Things are forever changed.
You can't go back from that.
You are forced to push your feelings aside and keep pushing forward.
But it's going to be with a different momentum.
You have to first find the momentum to begin moving again from where your heart stopped.

Crystal said that it doesn't work that way, if someone likes you they'll do whatever it takes to be with you and make things work. Is that the case when someone is "not ready?" who knows.

Sometimes it hits you when you least expect it.  You yourself not ready but things can happen.

Memories

From earlier today..

Have you ever felt like there was a perfect moment that would never change, a single moment that would be embedded in your mind. A happy memory. 
Crazy how things can change. People change, emotions change, minds change. The speed of which seems faster than the speed of light. In a simple instant everything you once knew and were so accustom to is gone..whether you like it or not in most cases. The intricacies of the human spirit, it goes beyond comprehension. Maybe it's not so crazy and more so just a way of life.

From a couple of days ago...something happened but I feel it's better not to talk about it for now let that shit lie in the dirt.  

Been thinking about shit with B lately.  He's been calling me off the hook like every day but I just can't afford to talk to him.  I read a story from class that reminded me of him.  The story was about a girl who was in love with a guy even though she had eventually found out he was a manipulative monster and in the end he's dying and she ended it with "I would have saved you if I could" 

I thought back to the day B's family was moving back to Vegas and how he didn't know if he was going to go with them or not, even though all of his things were on the moving truck.  That day we had helped his family and then he told his dad he was going to stay. He was going to stay. For me. Or so he said. Around a month later he left me. It was Valentine's day so I'll never forget it.  He said he had to go to Vegas to get custody of his daughter because she was being kept by Child protective services and Keesha was in jail because their daughter had a bad burn on her arm.  He had asked me that if he got his daughter if I'd help him with her and you know like a dummy I was like yeah of course. Because I thought we were going to actually try to make us work this time.  

Which takes me further back to new years.  We had went to Zoo Lights Zoo Years Eve and then tried to catch the ball drop with his family but we got to the house late haha. I remember his dad being drunk and telling me that if me and his were going to try that we would have to do it whole heartedly.  As in if B was going to stay I would have to try and find a way to be with him or well live with him.  Because I seemed to be the only person who could get to him.  It'd always been that. It was always me me me me me.  

Eventually after he decided to not come back his parents basically told me to let him go.  There was no saving him.  They were sick of his shit.  He lied to everyone saying he was going to try and get his daughter but instead went straight back to Keesha.  

I was finished.  And to think he had the nerve to come back to Arizona without their daughter but with Keesha.  And ask me for help. 

The fact that now, today he is in jail and it's supposedly Keesha's fault. And he wonders why I won't write. The fuck? 

He just doesn't get it,  and he dared to say "I love you" the last time I saw him, in front of her even.  I felt complete and utter disgust at that.  

There's no hope for him. And like in Alex's piece from school..."I would have saved you if I could" 

I really tried with him.  

Lately shit has been kind of a mess.  Emotionally I'm trying to be this stoic person. This hard ass.  And don't get me wrong I think I have been. But it gets lonely in a way.  I've been spending a great deal of time with someone who is what seems to me kind of emotionally reserved or disconnected so it makes it kind of difficult and awkward for me.  I don't know how to feel really.  It's like I can't really feel anything from him on a deeper level. Which strikes me as kind of good and kind of bad.  Part of me is saying...this is a waste of time and to keep moving.  Part of me doesn't know and thinks that'd be the hasty thing to do.  In reality I think it probably is a waste of time and we are both just killing time because we really do enjoy each others company but that is about it.  

This has been causing me to have these roller coaster-ish type of emotions.  I'm okay sometimes, content and other times it's like GAH! Why can't you just give me more. I'm not talking labels, I'm talking MORE...a figurative kind of more.  I kind of can't put a finger on it.  I need more feeling but he lacks feeling.  I usually do lack feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep my mouth shut right now about it.  I think eventually it'll come out.  It has to.  Things always do.  

That's enough for now cause this battery is about to die on my handy dandy chromebook. 

Nomads

So the other day I got into it a bit with a facebook "friend" basically over something I posted. I told them I didn't ask for or care for their opinion and they told me that they don't care what I have to say about it so basically I said well what the fuck I'ma unfriend you and so I did and then my phone starts blowing up via text.  He was bad mouthing me and saying "I don't care to try and be your friend anymore..you're just a bitter self indulgent woman who goes after men who treat her like meat.." yadda yadda yadda ya oh and that some chick apparently had a video of me hooking up with some dude. And he said "I was the only one who didn't watch it" Which to that I was like um yeah whatever another made up story of his. Same chick who has a baby by god knows who, who was always trying to be my friend and get me to go do shit with her. and can't hold a job. Yeah nah.  Anyways true false I don't give two fucks.

This person though was the same guy who was going around telling people (including my parents) that he was going to ask me out. Tsk Tsk not for nothing but that was never going to happen I mean he could ask but there is no way. I always just felt bad for him. He had no friends and made up a story about some imaginary girl he was dating died. Then everyone found out it was a lie and that he had said that for attention.
So the fact that he fucking adored me and God knows why cause I'm typically a bitch to deal with if I don't "like" you.  The fuck I look like. Seems to me like someone was just butt hurt.

If I'm bitter, let that fall on me. If I'm self indulgent, let that fall on me. Let me reap what I sow.  Cause frankly I'll mow you down if you get in my way.

The Birds Interlude-Remix

"Isn't this everything you wanted?" she said as her eyes were slowly filling with tears.
She set a soft gaze upon the shadowy figure of his body in the darkness.
Mascara began to run ugly black streaks down her pale cheeks like tire tracks on fresh snow.

She grabbed a handful of the carefully stacked bills on the glass table and threw it in his direction scattering like doves being released at a wedding.
She took three deep breaths before speaking again.

"Please. Mercy me. Let me fall out of love..before you fuck her. I beg you. I gave you all my pills. I gave you all that I need. Baby..I see that she is beautiful. The most beautiful by far. I see that she makes you feel good, 'bout who you are.."
It was too late. He'd been sleeping with the Russian model for quite some time now.
He just stared blankly at the traffic light below as it changed from yellow to red.
she slowly rose from the couch and moved towards him still speaking, questioning.
"but you see how much I need you..
  you see how much I care..
  you see how much I care..
  you see how much I care?"
All he could suddenly think about was his own needs.
She took his hand and took the lead to the California King bed. Sex appeal, why not?

This is what I come back to every time. 

I've been spendin' all my time. Livin' for the thrill. All this money that I've thrown all this liquor that I've spilled. I deserve this. I deserve her body on my mattress. 

"So when you ask me what I do, all I do is hurt myself. Inspiration's all I know. Inspiration's all I have. So I deserve this." he said as he stared at the ceiling fans rickety motion above them.
The room was moist, sticky from the rain that had fallen earlier in the evening.
She rolled onto her side and looked up at the side profile of his face.
"What do I do now that you're gone? 
 What do I do when I'm alone?" 
She then laid back flat on her back, the same position as him then quietly said,
"You've been running in my head..
  What do I do when I need sex?" 
It sounded like she let out a small sigh. She then sprung up and straddled him grabbing his damp shirt clenched in her fists.
"You're my everything...
  You're my heart.."
She managed to mutter out before swallowing what felt like a lump in her throat. She could feel the heat rushing back to her face as if she were about to break down in tears again.
"You're my everything...
 You're my heart.."

He felt no remorse.
He grabbed the pillow from the opposite side of the bed and added it to his stuffing it with the two behind his head as he let out a long labored sigh.
"I thought I told you
  A long time ago
  Don't you fall in love.."

Moonlight

Part I: (2/20)
It was once the fear of not knowing what's to come, and the torment of knowing what has been..
would you stay, would you go, or would you look the other way.

Part II: (2/24)
This phone better not ring tonight my once unrequited love, how does it feel to be at my mercy..

I will not play marionette.
Oh my sweet sweet darling, look me in the eye and tell me that you love me with as much forced coerced sincerity as you can muster, I implore thee.


Part III: (2/27)
The song plays in the background.
A white lily would float gracefully down a nearby stream.
More than a mere dismissal. Being laid to rest.


xo..

Quiet/Two Parts

I started writing this a few days ago but had been too busy to post:
February 18th: I decided not to write to B. My existence matters not to him therefore I shall not subject myself to his mind trickery. I thought about it. What would I have to say? "yes, I don't give a fuck. Oh does it hurt more now than it ever did? Too fucking bad." Nahhh, that's not necessary. I've been awful quiet minded thank goodness. I love the quietness of not thinking of someone, or anyone in particular. Convenient. Hands clean. Quiet quiet...no talking to anyone no reach..just quiet.

 February 20th: this was just some rambling I did in the car as always It is the fear of not knowing what's to come and the torment of knowing what has been.. Would you stay Would you go or Would you look the other way. This phone better not bring tonight, my once unrequited love, how does it feel to be at my mercy. I will not play marionette. Oh my sweet sweet darling, look me in the eye and tell me that you love me with as much forced coerced sincerity as you can muster I implore thee.

 Blah blah bull na na...I'm feeling free free free

Hands on Deck

Slipping into that fucking abyss that of which I didn't want to go.
I knew it'd come back eventually..that feeling.
It waned before, stalled, but I see more of an opportunity now for it to take over.
The maddness has already begun.
Lives taken.
Fools ready to walk the plank.
It's a dog eat dog world.
Play or be played.
Fuck your feelings.

And if you didn't know, this is your Captain speaking.

Trilogy

And then it was last evening and then once again where I realized that things can roll off of me almost seamlessly.  I can get them to be damn near seamless.  It's a good and bad thing.  I'm learning a lot about defense mechanisms as far as people go.  There are so many.

With a bit of a pull and a struggle here and there there is a part of me that was fighting that gave up.  Enough trying.  And I say this. I was still grown up about it.  Rather than running from it.  Confront things head on.  Like a fucking boss.  Make a mistake? Own it. Don't feel like talking? Say so. Let the truth speak. Not bullshit.  I'll respect honesty from anyone any day over lame ass bullshit. Let's be real. B was right about the "lie to me syndrome" that people prefer so much. FUCK THAT.  At the same time this is not to be reckless. Sometimes it's not worth it. But if you respect someone enough the least they deserve is the truth.  Just sayin.
It is what it is..kiss the bullshit bye bye..bury it 6 feet or if you're me 12 feet to be safe. XO.

White Walled

Requiem

Trilogy
In the room with the flickering lights
she kneels down over the girl
The girls long black hair knotted and matted covered her face.
She knelt over Zahia's soaking wet body.
She would flail her own hair back behind her clenching her teeth.
The lights would flicker above them.
Her knees hurt from digging at the tile beneath them.
Zahia's legs would kick and kick.
She would hold tighter and even tighter.
Zahia's pale skin would begin to turn from pale
to rosy pink to deep blood red.
She would not let her go no matter how badly her own hand's hurt and how tired they were from gripping Zahia's neck. Which was now purple and blood vessels broken from exhaust.
Eventually her eyes rolled back into her head.
Her wet feet would stop kicking.
Eventually the struggle would end.

Jager

Jager makes for a very angry Jerzee baby
and I had no idea until last night
I went ape shit last night...afterwards thinking NO NO NO NO NO
I said some really out of line things and I'm still attempting to wrap my brain around it.
My bad, my mistake, I apologized and you know what it is what it is.
Whether I get forgiveness or not is not up to me but what can I do now?
Not shit. I did think hey maybe this was God's way of telling me something.
Who knows. What's funny to me is the amount of emotion evoked.
I had fell yes sure but just too hard too fast too soon.
My friend back home even said something about my behavior.
I don't get wrapped up in people like ever.

"you know everything can't be controlled for a reason, keep faith in yourself and have no regrets. Control what you can and fuck the rest."

so to forgive me or not to forgive me..

Be it As it May

I am taking the time now to say. I make no provisions to anything that has been stated.
I take nothing back that I have said that has been said and that can be said.

Although I did SERIOUSLY consider it yesterday.

Anyways shall we..

First and foremost strange few days people coming..going..reappearing..I don't want to get into most of that or at least not at this time.

I got a/the letter today in the mail, five pages.
The best part I would say had to be in the "interception page" it said "Who better than for me to go to? Nobody I can think of regardless, nobody's better than the captain.."

It's what seemed to me like a guilt trip.  Overall. I'm the captain..he said so himself and it's funny that THAT is what bothers him so much.

"I can't but find it more bothersome than usual =| I've heard it before, I know I have but even though I can't put my finger on it; It seems to be something I can FEEL from you rather than just hearing 'I DON'T GIVE A SHIT'"

Boy oh boy...after everything who could possibly blame me.

One of my close friends from back home told me yesterday "seems to me like you're just winging it" I didn't deny it.  I am indeed winging it. And frankly I don't care. He also said me not caring is me being down about something.

Right about now I'm debating writing back to this letter, I think if I did it'd be a downer for someone who is already down and mmm not sure I feel like doing that.  Reckless? Sure I'm feeling a tad reckless BUT not that reckless.  I'm not trying to go destroying shit people destroy on their own.  That's NEVER been my bit.
Give ANYONE enough rope and they WILL hang themselves.

Listening to some Frank Ocean stuff I have never heard before thanks to www.grooveshark.com
the particular song I've included in this post I just really like the beat, I think it's pretty catchy.

One Liners

[These are not literal one liners just things that I was thinking about that were amusing me while I couldn't sleep]

"Do you buy all of your exgirlfriends lube or just me"

"my next story will be about a people pleaser who hates people"

"laying awake at night thinking about all the shit that hurts saying..if this is what getting old feels like I'm fucked"

"so going to the chiropractor and telling him my ass is tight is a bad idea?"

"does this statement relate back to the first o_O"

"I can't sleep cause the room is spinning still when I close my eyes and I'm craving potato salad. I won't be that jerk who says with a whiney voice 'I'm never drinking again" no instead I'll say "I'm not drinking another bottle by myself in a while..' Yeah..that sounds good"

"dingbats"

Fuckin Up

And I hate myself every time
I swear I don't like you
Even in my drunkness I don't fuckin' like you
You left me
I will never forgive you..
I will never respect you
Tears will burn my mother fuckin eyes for you
And I will be the only one
left holding the smoking gun
Soon I'll leave you behind

Eyes

I have heard that these eyes are big and beautiful
but no one has ever seen the things these eyes have seen
no one has ever felt the burn these eyes have felt
eyes that have been heavily soaked with tears
eyes that have wanted to wish away things that have been seen that can't be unseen
these eyes that have been through so much
life through these eyes
no one knows what it's like isn't that right..
but not behind blue eyes
behind these big dark brown eyes
no one knows
no one will ever know
so many songs about eyes and the pain everyone feels
they can't tell all the things we have all seen
not one person
ever

Pink Matter

I don't usually start with the song outright in the beginning of the blog but this time I am..
I know that I should be working on the expansion of "Bones" and I have been here and there although I don't  want to push the creativity with it.

I had started this little bit on Sunday and keeping in mind post (Saturday)

I wish I could sing to you
individually.
I would love to be a part of your
individual soul.
I know I'm a hard ass.
But baby I need you to hold me.
I need to feel your heart beating.
I need to know that it's there
I need to know that it's real
Cause sometimes I get so gone.
I can't feel a damn thing but cold..
or pain..or numbness.
Being with you brings me back.
Keeps me warm.

And then there you were as if you knew I were writing this.

Today...I've found myself wondering what we or better yet what I was doing again.  How and/or why.  I want to slowly back away from this. It's dangerous and I don't like it.  There is a secret motive behind it.  Trying to win me over...why? I know there must be a reason for it.  There just HAS to be.

Time to disappear again.  At least from him.

On another note, I decided to cut a certain female out of my life and all day long the texts and phone calls begging and pleading with me.  I don't care. I am the captain.

I keep listening to this song on repeat and slowly my disgust grows.

"Since you've been gone I've been havin' withdrawls..You were such a habit to call, I ain't myself at all had to tell myself naw.."

Bones

Will you hold onto those disgustingly lofty dreams.
Will you sleep with your devoted guilt.
And will these bones rattling in the closet not wake you.
Its mighty stuffled in here.
All the noise that I'm making is indeed my intent.
Make sure your bed is made and your sheets are clean because I have seen what is there and in between. We all know why you called her here.
Her and her low self esteem.
But you're dying of thirst unquenchable, unreachable, unspeakable, the unthinkable..she hears it all.
Apathetic unapologetic soul.
A fool would think these bones would be more than a noisey skeleton..rattling..rattling in the closet;
Trying to wake you at night.

funny creatures

People are so funny sometimes.
So today I received a funny text from someone I would no longer call myself friends with.
And quick run down..I received a picture of my name written in the snow.  Obviously someone wants to make pretend like they miss me.  Anyways, it was a "why didn't you want to be my girl" and "how about we pursue each other"

Funny.

Funny.
Funny.
Funny.

This is the same guy that I had caught myself slippin for until I found out he was banging a girl I was acquainted with a few days after telling me I should let someone who was pursuing me have a chance.
That was when all hope was lost.

I had tested him and he failed.  I told him someone else wanted a chance with me and he told me to go for instead of objecting.

Then the pictures of him kissing another girl surfaced via social media..clearly blatant of  where we stood.
So today to come to me and say he caught himself catching feelings for me so he pushed me away and started things up with another girl.

Blah blah blah blah blah that's all I hear.
I have no interest in any of that.  The shit was so foul when it happened.
I have no business with that type.  None what so ever.

So all this rambling that he's doing is a waste of time..sure I'll listen but that'll be it.
Funny thing about people..funny thing about karma.

He was the same person I told "the bad things that happen to you all the time are a direct result of your behavior."

That being said, I have no sympathy.

We are all subject to our actions.

Rough Beginings

So last week I made my final car payment.  That same day or rather later that evening I got pulled over because my moms insurance company didn't get their proper paperwork over to the dmv.  My licence plate had gotten taken and I had to practically beg the cop not to tow my car. All of that got sorted out by Monday evening.

I found out two days ago my family is about to lose our store because the mall wants $10,000 up front.

I was woken up to find out my moms truck had been repo'd.  The only reason why she had to even purchase a new vehicle is because someone ran a red light and T-boned/totaled her previous truck.  That truck was PAID off so it's unfortunate that now it's back to making car payments.

Anyways,

I feel incredibly lost in all of this.

Everything seems to be going wrong.

It feels like it all started going down hill after Gizmo passed.

First Gizmo, then my bullshit relationship, my health concerns, issues with my car and the DMV,  being charged money for bootcamp when I haven't been going,  losing our store (being evicted from the mall), my mom's truck being repo'd.

What else is there? For me to try and keep a decent positive attitude is really testing me.  As much as I hate my moms boyfriend at least they have each other in all of this.  I think in all honesty I would've gave up.

The last of 2012

This was something I had started on prior to the new year..
The Last of 2012:
What ever happen to people being real and upfront? if you arent really about being down for somebody don't lie and say you are, don't say say say all the pretty words that you don't mean. If you aren't about being in in a relationship then don't say you are, don't commit to something if you have no intent on committing..

I was getting hit up on some booty call sounding ish on NYE blah blah but what else is new.  Woops my phone just so happen to stop working.  B gave up on trying to call me.  The last time we spoke I told him enough of trying to have me call his relatives for him.  Just so he can ask how Keesha is doing haha fuck that. Dumb ass, dumb ass, dumb ass.  

I ended up picking up a friend to tag along with us NYE and hit mill along with star and myself and she had an attitude the rest of the night which was totally killing the vibe.  It was a good night to me at least, I had a chill time.  He asked me to come back after I took her home SMH, that wasn't happening.

ANYWHO on to bigger and better 2013

Gotta do everything I can to keep stray cats away..

Started a total body cleanse this morning, going to be drinking lots of WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER! Gonna start eating clean again.  I stopped going to bootcamp at the end of October. I went one time in November but November was a busy month for me (New job, going to Florida ect.) And I haven't been dieting and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds. Interesting to say the least.

I signed up for 3 weeks of CrossFit today, it starts next Monday so I'm excited. I'm going to finish out the week by hitting the gym before or after work.  Time to buckle down.  Let's see what happens.