So two days ago I got a text from an unknown number but who else would it be but B..I thought luckily I was asleep..so there were three messages the last saying "do you hate me that much :(" I waited and contemplated even responding. Eventually I text back saying I was sleeping. Then the usual, what are you doing today yadda ya. Anyways this is the rundown...He and Keesha had been out on the street for two days and wanted to know if I could take them to the bus terminal in Phoenix so they could buy their tickets to Vegas and if I would let them each take showers and wash some clothes. Now keep in mind...I've been harboring some fairly ill willed feelings towards them? Maybe not them but definitely towards him. I've always kept my word though..once I had said "do not worry about me getting mad or upset because that's just me letting my emotions get to me and that I'll always be okay"
So as I went to go get them I was saying to myself "please don't let my anger get the best of me.." over and over. I got there and he called cause he couldn't find where I was and I gave him nothing but attitude and he was like please don't be mad. But I mean oh well right? So it was a pretty much silent ride to the bus terminal and a LONG ride too. Then he went in to buy their tickets and she went to buy herself a fountain drink at circle k then they got back in the car.. then the arguing began all because I asked "where are WE going to go" and he turned around and asked her where SHE was going to go. HIS fault. She got mad grabbed everything and started walking. SIDENOTE: She thought me n him were going to take off without her and that I'd bring him back later (like old times) :/
Anyways..He said he was just going to wait at the bus stop and that I could go. I started driving and caught up to her I was like "come on" she was like "oh he's not going with you?" I told her.."hey look, I said where are WE going..so just come on" He had eventually started walking over to us anyways. He got in too and I started driving. Why did I do that? I just couldn't see that just being it like "okie dokie thats it" especially I knew they'd already been roaming around and wanted to be able to just relax and get out of the sun. I'd already gone that far with them so I just was like whatever.
We get to my house they both took showers and washed their clothes and played some Black Ops and charged their phone and went through some listings on craigslist. We were killing time because their bus wasn't leaving til 1:45am. It actually wasn't a bad day at all. They had pretty much stopped arguing and we all got along fine after the first hour haha. So at the end of the night I took them to the bus stop and gave them twenty bucks to go get themselves something to eat because I knew they'd only eaten once in the last two days. He hugged me and said "love you..really though" and then she hugged me too. They both said thank you and went on their way. Of course Tupac- "Ain't mad at cha" would be playing on my Pandora. So on my drive home I was crying a little bit haha. I found it ironic because through ALL THE BULLSHIT I'm not mad..I'm okay. I'm still a good friend. I still was there when no one else was..even through my emotions. I mean yeah I know I had blocked him but I knew that if he really NEEDED to get in touch with me he'd find a way. And that'll be the last time I'll see them.
Ya know as messed up as the whole situation has been between the three of us and as difficult as yesterday was for me and as awkward and as mad I was and as much as they don't deserve my help I'm glad I did. And I feel better today.
One friend told me that I was the bigger person for having done what I did, and someone else told me it's good for my soul. I'm not sure about anyone else's opinions but I can say that it feels much better now having put my feelings aside than holding that grudge and that sadness and that anger that I'd been cradling and holding onto so dearly.
My opinions expressed on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent those of my employer.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Thank you
I would like to take the time right now to reflect on a few things I have learned and gain from my last relationship/experience...so here it goes..
Thank you..
I want to thank you for showing me a side of the world I never knew existed because I have lived such a sheltered life you brought me the closest I've ever been to danger all the while protecting me from physical danger at the same time. I've learned a good deal about manipulation as well. I can say that I have learned quite quite quite a bit from the experience all in all over the last 2 years and some change. I feel so bittersweet about it.
At the same time, I feel more cautious towards how I handle my emotions and being emotional in general. I feel a general disinterest for most people at the present time. I also find that the majority of people feel the same way by that I relate that to the fact that I've deactivated my facebook and no one's noticed (not that it matters) but that's what I'm realizing. These things are things that truly do not matter. "Social Networking" I've frankly given up most effort to connect with others because they are so false and there is no such thing as Genuine anymore. As one of the books I'm reading states..."people are only interested in themselves." They only like talking about themselves and don't care too much for what other people have to say.
On another note...
An incident happened with a man in my store acting out talking about "I'm fine..and he wants to take me to a church and get married" and all kinds of wild talk. My mom told her boyfriend and he had the nerve to say "what is it with these stupid niggers hitting on her, tell that nigger to go hang from a tree somewhere" I felt really really really uncomfortable by him saying that. There really is no need for it regardless of what color or what race anyone is. It's fucking dumb.
So it seems I am waiting for something unexpected to happen. Frantz says to stop waiting for a guy on a horse and I don't think I am but, someone would be nice. Someone different...that'd actually spark a real curiosity in me and feel the same way. That I can just get a long with in multiple facets. That wants to know how I am and how my day is going and will actually be concerned or give a damn. That's was the last straw with B..not giving a damn that I was feeling hurt and upset. Probably one of the worst things someone I care about could do to me and the surest way to erase me out of their life. Some have said they have tried to get close to me but I just push back or push away. Then I don't feel right about it and the only thing I can do is apologize. At the same time SOOOOOOOOO many people come off wrong and ruin a good thing. A friend of mine, that was always only a friend to me, that I had never done anything more than hugged, asked me when he found out I was single back in February if we could be friends with benefits...talk about taken aback. I felt like was this the motive all this time? Was this what our friendship would succumb to? I didn't want that..I wasn't looking for that, not from him at least. And don't get me wrong he's a very attractive person but..just..no. You don't just take things "there." And although I said no and he understands I just wouldn't be comfortable being around him anymore. Like at all. Sorry? I'm not sure if I should be.
Anyways I've had enough talking for now. Ta Ta..
Thank you..
I want to thank you for showing me a side of the world I never knew existed because I have lived such a sheltered life you brought me the closest I've ever been to danger all the while protecting me from physical danger at the same time. I've learned a good deal about manipulation as well. I can say that I have learned quite quite quite a bit from the experience all in all over the last 2 years and some change. I feel so bittersweet about it.
At the same time, I feel more cautious towards how I handle my emotions and being emotional in general. I feel a general disinterest for most people at the present time. I also find that the majority of people feel the same way by that I relate that to the fact that I've deactivated my facebook and no one's noticed (not that it matters) but that's what I'm realizing. These things are things that truly do not matter. "Social Networking" I've frankly given up most effort to connect with others because they are so false and there is no such thing as Genuine anymore. As one of the books I'm reading states..."people are only interested in themselves." They only like talking about themselves and don't care too much for what other people have to say.
On another note...
An incident happened with a man in my store acting out talking about "I'm fine..and he wants to take me to a church and get married" and all kinds of wild talk. My mom told her boyfriend and he had the nerve to say "what is it with these stupid niggers hitting on her, tell that nigger to go hang from a tree somewhere" I felt really really really uncomfortable by him saying that. There really is no need for it regardless of what color or what race anyone is. It's fucking dumb.
So it seems I am waiting for something unexpected to happen. Frantz says to stop waiting for a guy on a horse and I don't think I am but, someone would be nice. Someone different...that'd actually spark a real curiosity in me and feel the same way. That I can just get a long with in multiple facets. That wants to know how I am and how my day is going and will actually be concerned or give a damn. That's was the last straw with B..not giving a damn that I was feeling hurt and upset. Probably one of the worst things someone I care about could do to me and the surest way to erase me out of their life. Some have said they have tried to get close to me but I just push back or push away. Then I don't feel right about it and the only thing I can do is apologize. At the same time SOOOOOOOOO many people come off wrong and ruin a good thing. A friend of mine, that was always only a friend to me, that I had never done anything more than hugged, asked me when he found out I was single back in February if we could be friends with benefits...talk about taken aback. I felt like was this the motive all this time? Was this what our friendship would succumb to? I didn't want that..I wasn't looking for that, not from him at least. And don't get me wrong he's a very attractive person but..just..no. You don't just take things "there." And although I said no and he understands I just wouldn't be comfortable being around him anymore. Like at all. Sorry? I'm not sure if I should be.
Anyways I've had enough talking for now. Ta Ta..
More from the stars
Mayan Day Sign: Crocodile
You are aggressive, but also protective, energetic, creative and initiating. You have a personal power that must be used creatively or you may become dominating. You are often constantly working to maintain the emotional integrity of your world. Your instincts are unusually strong. Besides possessing a powerful maternal instinct, you may also be genuinely psychic. Those who have a close relationship with you sometimes notice your tendency to dominate others in a parental way. Crocodile personalities are also extremely sensitive and touchy, and you may have a tendency to be defensive. On the other hand, you can be among the most critical and fussy persons known. If you don't have any children of your own, you will seek outlets by establishing nurturing relationships with people, pets and even plants. The maternal instincts of female Alligator types, for example, can be powerful.
Vedic Moon Sign: Pisces
You are aggressive, but also protective, energetic, creative and initiating. You have a personal power that must be used creatively or you may become dominating. You are often constantly working to maintain the emotional integrity of your world. Your instincts are unusually strong. Besides possessing a powerful maternal instinct, you may also be genuinely psychic. Those who have a close relationship with you sometimes notice your tendency to dominate others in a parental way. Crocodile personalities are also extremely sensitive and touchy, and you may have a tendency to be defensive. On the other hand, you can be among the most critical and fussy persons known. If you don't have any children of your own, you will seek outlets by establishing nurturing relationships with people, pets and even plants. The maternal instincts of female Alligator types, for example, can be powerful.
You are a romantic, and have the ability to express your feelings of love and affection openly. As a humanitarian, you are blessed with the capacity emotions, as well as an innate ability to feel and comprehend deeply. A devoted friend, you are known for being genuinely decent, and you are a favorite friend to many. In addition, you are always modest and unpretentious. However you do want do everything expansively.
Numerology Life path 1:
You are an original! Independent and courageous, you are a creative achiever and a strong individual. Your path will take you down the road to independence, and you'll 24px;"> the benefits of being self-sufficient. Your first lesson is to learn to stand comfortably on your own two feet without leaning on other people. Once you learn this lesson, you will move to the next level of this life path number: leadership. You are a born leader, and you will have many opportunities to demonstrate this ability in life. Your strong pioneering spirit, courage and determination will serve you well along this road. You will be successful in any career field that allows you to utilize your unique ideas and pioneering spirit!
Virgos are extremely health conscious, to the point of being storehouses of information on diet and hygiene. Many Virgos even choose a health or medical career so they won't miss a beat.
is elemental for Virgo, if only so they know intellectually that they're helping themselves physically. See, the benefits of exercise are far more important to Virgo than the process itself. That's why Virgos are likely to time themselves on their runs and get in those 300 sit-ups every day. When it comes to the game of love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat and are devoted to their lovers, even if they can be a bit jealous. Since Virgo rules the intestines, worried Virgos need to be wary of bowel upsets. Soothing relief often comes in the way of earth tones, which is why Virgos like to be surrounded by shades of tan and a warm yellow.
Speaking, writing, books, online communications and learning are all within Mercury's domain. This planet implores us to express ourselves often -- and well.
You are an original! Independent and courageous, you are a creative achiever and a strong individual. Your path will take you down the road to independence, and you'll 24px;"> the benefits of being self-sufficient. Your first lesson is to learn to stand comfortably on your own two feet without leaning on other people. Once you learn this lesson, you will move to the next level of this life path number: leadership. You are a born leader, and you will have many opportunities to demonstrate this ability in life. Your strong pioneering spirit, courage and determination will serve you well along this road. You will be successful in any career field that allows you to utilize your unique ideas and pioneering spirit!
Virgos are extremely health conscious, to the point of being storehouses of information on diet and hygiene. Many Virgos even choose a health or medical career so they won't miss a beat.
is elemental for Virgo, if only so they know intellectually that they're helping themselves physically. See, the benefits of exercise are far more important to Virgo than the process itself. That's why Virgos are likely to time themselves on their runs and get in those 300 sit-ups every day. When it comes to the game of love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat and are devoted to their lovers, even if they can be a bit jealous. Since Virgo rules the intestines, worried Virgos need to be wary of bowel upsets. Soothing relief often comes in the way of earth tones, which is why Virgos like to be surrounded by shades of tan and a warm yellow.
Speaking, writing, books, online communications and learning are all within Mercury's domain. This planet implores us to express ourselves often -- and well.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Partial Horoscope for Virgo
The month of July for Virgo:
Love:
Have you truly left the past behind you? You’ll find out when your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde (backward) from July 14-August 8. Mercury is retrograde in Leo, your twelfth house of endings. This could recycle an old drama, open an old emotional wound or bring a shady-but-sexy type back into your orbit. While this person may profess to have turned over a new leaf, actions speak louder than words. If Casanova’s stories still don’t add up, hold back your hormones. This ride is not worth the price of admission—which can be quite a staggering fee for a sensitive soul like yours, Virgo. Stay off the tantric Tilt-a-Whirl, or you’ll end up with vertigo.
This becomes all the more pressing when unstable Uranus goes retrograde in Aries, your intimate eighth house, from July 13-December 13. Your attraction to the intrigue, danger and drama intensifies. You may also become jealous, suspicious and possessive—explosively so at times. Examine your motives, Virgo. Uranus is locked in a three-way battle (known as a T-square) with hot-blooded Mars and shadowy Pluto during the second half of July. With Pluto in your home and family sector, you could be unconsciously acting out some mommy and daddy issues, restaging a toxic parent-child dynamic that might better be examined on a therapist’s couch. You might be craving attention, but courting it through negative channels is not the way to get it. If you feel like that’s the only way you can get a response out of your mate, perhaps your Sleeping Beauty needs to be roused with a more direct wakeup call.
HEALTH: MIND, BODY & SOUL:
Let’s face it, Virgo: asking for support is your worst nightmare. You’re famous for giving people a tight, saccharine smile and saying, “I’m fine,” when everyone knows you’re not. In July, especially the second half, that ruse will fall apart. And you know what? That might be a blessing in disguise.
Mid-month, Mercury and Uranus both go retrograde (backward) in deeply emotional parts of your chart. You may not even realize how much you’ve been keeping inside, but it will all bubble up now—or maybe erupt like hot lava. Uranus is retrograde in your intimate eighth house until December 13, so you might want to book some sessions with a therapist or coach for the rest of the year. Having an objective person to help you talk through your feelings will be a great help, and it will also keep you focused on your bigger goals. This could be such a successful cycle for you—there’s no sense in getting derailed by problems that can be solved by a good support system.
When it rains it pours
7/9
Back to "Thinkin bout you" by Frank Ocean. Seems like sometimes I can't get enough of this song. I say "this song" because yes I am listening to it right now as I type here at work.
So last night I was feeling like someone was trying to get in my head. At this point I rather not name names..if you're anyone who means anything to me then you'll know cause I'll be explaining this to you in further detail or maybe only to an extent but you'll hear about it from me. Ha look at me rambling my words.
Anyways back to the subject. Do you ever feel like the certain actions of people are deliberate and somewhat manipulative? Well of course, because isn't that the inherent nature of man? My curiosity wonders about such things. And then isn't it scary when you might have something subconsciously on your mind that you don't realize until someone else brings it to your attention. I really kinda felt taken aback by being told something was on my mind before I even realized that there really was something lingering around in the back of my head. Aside from that I didn't think anything was on my mind. But then what Star said to me on Saturday night might or might not be true I'd hate to admit it if it was. Don't tell me how I feel, I don't always appreciate that..not sure if I ever appreciate that actually.
Back to "Thinkin bout you" by Frank Ocean. Seems like sometimes I can't get enough of this song. I say "this song" because yes I am listening to it right now as I type here at work.
So last night I was feeling like someone was trying to get in my head. At this point I rather not name names..if you're anyone who means anything to me then you'll know cause I'll be explaining this to you in further detail or maybe only to an extent but you'll hear about it from me. Ha look at me rambling my words.
Anyways back to the subject. Do you ever feel like the certain actions of people are deliberate and somewhat manipulative? Well of course, because isn't that the inherent nature of man? My curiosity wonders about such things. And then isn't it scary when you might have something subconsciously on your mind that you don't realize until someone else brings it to your attention. I really kinda felt taken aback by being told something was on my mind before I even realized that there really was something lingering around in the back of my head. Aside from that I didn't think anything was on my mind. But then what Star said to me on Saturday night might or might not be true I'd hate to admit it if it was. Don't tell me how I feel, I don't always appreciate that..not sure if I ever appreciate that actually.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Nostalgia
7/6
So "Novacane" came on my pandora on the way home from the gym and I was instantly reminded of what once was and how he was fond of that song. I kinda had to shake that shit off. That's some negative tryna bring me down bull na na I don't need in my head, which is why I've had to change up what I've been listening to on pandora as it is. The station I have become oh so fond of, The Weeknd. As much as I really do love The Weeknd those songs and the others that play on that station will drive me to tears haha.
Anyways I've changed up the nails..something a lil exotic..the print is called space cadet
http://goodgirlscookandwearmakeup.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/photo-4.jpg
7/7
So last night I had a dream I remember being in a tall building with lots of windows and that Keesha n B were there at some point and I can't remember if she had done it but I was all cut up. I don't remember too much of it now.
Feeling a tad bit of like letting my inner wild child run free..but how :/
I kinda want to get out and get into something or be loud and act out get into some trouble..(well not real trouble but you know what I mean)
I feel like getting a new piercing or even a tat (not so much cause I know how my mom would feel about that..) anyways I'm craving some new something..like I've got some expendable energy and I'm bored.
I'm wondering what I can get pierced now.. especially considering how sensitive I am to metals...hmm hmm
I've also really wanting to dye my hair like fire engine red or lighten it up from how dark it is right now. I've tried dying it red a few times and it just comes out the same blah brown..ugh..
Anyways time to get this day a rollin hopefully I can get through it with a smile on my face and not let the whining customers get too much on my nerves. Wish me Luck!
So "Novacane" came on my pandora on the way home from the gym and I was instantly reminded of what once was and how he was fond of that song. I kinda had to shake that shit off. That's some negative tryna bring me down bull na na I don't need in my head, which is why I've had to change up what I've been listening to on pandora as it is. The station I have become oh so fond of, The Weeknd. As much as I really do love The Weeknd those songs and the others that play on that station will drive me to tears haha.
Anyways I've changed up the nails..something a lil exotic..the print is called space cadet
http://goodgirlscookandwearmakeup.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/photo-4.jpg
7/7
So last night I had a dream I remember being in a tall building with lots of windows and that Keesha n B were there at some point and I can't remember if she had done it but I was all cut up. I don't remember too much of it now.
Feeling a tad bit of like letting my inner wild child run free..but how :/
I kinda want to get out and get into something or be loud and act out get into some trouble..(well not real trouble but you know what I mean)
I feel like getting a new piercing or even a tat (not so much cause I know how my mom would feel about that..) anyways I'm craving some new something..like I've got some expendable energy and I'm bored.
I'm wondering what I can get pierced now.. especially considering how sensitive I am to metals...hmm hmm
I've also really wanting to dye my hair like fire engine red or lighten it up from how dark it is right now. I've tried dying it red a few times and it just comes out the same blah brown..ugh..
Anyways time to get this day a rollin hopefully I can get through it with a smile on my face and not let the whining customers get too much on my nerves. Wish me Luck!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Another Day
Interesting weekend..
So last winter I was at work and was approached by a guy and at the time I was in a relationship (with B) and had told him so. I did think he was attractive but I let him go. So this weekend we had people selling sports memorabilia and a few former athletes signing autographs..one of them was the guy. At the time I first met him I had no idea he played in the NFL. I found it coincidence because it was convenient that I had rid myself of stupid..anyways I did go talk to him (the fb player) and asked him if he remembered me and he said of course and gave me his number and we started texting from there. Sooner than later I found out what he was really after. Kinda astonished because my rationale is..okay, you are a professional athlete, you have practically whatever you want and I'm pretty sure you're used to women throwing panties at you. That being said you would think they wouldn't want to be so Hoe-ish. Oddly enough they are the most extreme of hoes -___- so sad and pathetic. He really was trying to get me to go "have some fun" with him on Saturday and then was asking me to take a break and come out to his car with him. (of course I said no both times) It really takes away all attractiveness. ICK!
One of B's sisters moved back to AZ with her boyfriend and I saw her in the mall over the weekend. It was nice because as fake as she kinda is at times she appeared genuinely happy to see me..it was sweet. She said nobody talks to her brother anymore everyone pretty much cut him off. He used to complain to me that his family didn't ever really have his back but he was wrong. Everyone did things for him and went out of their way for him just one too many times. Like I myself did as well. You can't keep shoving everyone in the dirt and taking people for granted. Eventually people get sick of it, or snap out of it, or just simply can't do it anymore. There are some who never realize. And like my book says about people always having some form of justification for themselves no matter how wrong they really are...it's pretty true.
I went and played pool with Star last night, we hadn't done that in a while so it was nice.
I missed bootcamp this morning but I want to do a double tomorrow and it says the evening class is full so I'm going to keep checking to see if an open space pops up. It probably wont but eh. The no two a days this week. I really want to focus on eating right along with my exercise. It makes no sense to be working so hard in the gym if I'm not going to eat as well as possible. I'll get 100% back to feeling great and not so sluggish throughout the day.
One of B's sisters moved back to AZ with her boyfriend and I saw her in the mall over the weekend. It was nice because as fake as she kinda is at times she appeared genuinely happy to see me..it was sweet. She said nobody talks to her brother anymore everyone pretty much cut him off. He used to complain to me that his family didn't ever really have his back but he was wrong. Everyone did things for him and went out of their way for him just one too many times. Like I myself did as well. You can't keep shoving everyone in the dirt and taking people for granted. Eventually people get sick of it, or snap out of it, or just simply can't do it anymore. There are some who never realize. And like my book says about people always having some form of justification for themselves no matter how wrong they really are...it's pretty true.
I went and played pool with Star last night, we hadn't done that in a while so it was nice.
I missed bootcamp this morning but I want to do a double tomorrow and it says the evening class is full so I'm going to keep checking to see if an open space pops up. It probably wont but eh. The no two a days this week. I really want to focus on eating right along with my exercise. It makes no sense to be working so hard in the gym if I'm not going to eat as well as possible. I'll get 100% back to feeling great and not so sluggish throughout the day.
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