Monday, July 16, 2012

Thank you

I would like to take the time right now to reflect on a few things I have learned and gain from my last relationship/experience...so here it goes..
Thank you..
I want to thank you for showing me a side of the world I never knew existed because I have lived such a sheltered life you brought me the closest I've ever been to danger all the while protecting me from physical danger at the same time. I've learned a good deal about manipulation as well.  I can say that I have learned quite quite quite a bit from the experience all in all over the last 2 years and some change. I feel so bittersweet about it.

At the same time, I feel more cautious towards how I handle my emotions and being emotional in general.  I feel a general disinterest for most people at the present time.  I also find that the majority of people feel the same way by that I relate that to the fact that I've deactivated my facebook and no one's noticed (not that it matters) but that's what I'm realizing. These things are things that truly do not matter. "Social Networking"  I've frankly given up most effort to connect with others because they are so false and there is no such thing as Genuine anymore.  As one of the books I'm reading states..."people are only interested in themselves." They only like talking about themselves and don't care too much for what other people have to say.

On another note...

An incident happened with a man in my store acting out talking about "I'm fine..and he wants to take me to a church and get married" and all kinds of wild talk. My mom told her boyfriend and he had the nerve to say "what is it with these stupid niggers hitting on her, tell that nigger to go hang from a tree somewhere" I felt really really really uncomfortable by him saying that.  There really is no need for it regardless of what color or what race anyone is.  It's fucking dumb.

So it seems I am waiting for something unexpected to happen. Frantz says to stop waiting for a guy on a horse and I don't think I am but, someone would be nice.  Someone different...that'd actually spark a real curiosity in me and feel the same way.  That I can just get a long with in multiple facets.  That wants to know how I am and how my day is going and will actually be concerned or give a damn.  That's was the last straw with B..not giving a damn that I was feeling hurt and upset. Probably one of the worst things someone I care about could do to me and the surest way to erase me out of their life.  Some have said they have tried to get close to me but I just push back or push away. Then I don't feel right about it and the only thing I can do is apologize. At the same time SOOOOOOOOO many people come off wrong and ruin a good thing. A friend of mine, that was always only a friend to me, that I had never done anything more than hugged, asked me when he found out I was single back in February if we could be friends with benefits...talk about taken aback.  I felt like was this the motive all this time? Was this what our friendship would succumb to? I didn't want that..I wasn't looking for that, not from him at least.  And don't get me wrong he's a very attractive person but..just..no.  You don't just take things "there."  And although I said no and he understands I just wouldn't be comfortable being around him anymore. Like at all. Sorry? I'm not sure if I should be.

Anyways I've had enough talking for now. Ta Ta..

1 comment:

  1. Hey stranger, it's been a while. I've only been writing infrequently by hand in my journal, four times since my last post. Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever hear from you, but I'm really glad I did :-). I enjoyed reading this but not as much as I'm enjoying commenting on it :-P. Funny, because listening to Louis C.K. as a guest on the Daily Show talk about differences between men and women got me thinking about the self interest in the context of relationships. Instead of projecting their own selfish idea of how they want the other person to behave on that person, would relationships work better if people just accepted each other's inherent selfishness and compromised to make the best of their situation?

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