Territory

So you think it's important now..to want to prove a point to me. By trying to "mark" your territory. Didn't I tell you, you clown..that all you do is juggle. You said you only juggle three well who is the third? Got me wondering now. You said it's actually "multi-tasking" and not juggling though.  Do you realize you are asking quite a great deal of me. What do I say now? 

I think it's funny that suddenly it is so important to you or at least you want to pretend like it's so important to you to want to "claim" me..claim her..claim whoever. You can't go around peeing on every tree it just doesn't work like that. Why because you fear you'll really lose me to someone else? Because I told you that you don't deserve that crown that I gave you. 

You said if she leaves you're going to go too and that you're not gunna go without me too, I told you this three's company thing isn't going to work. I value myself way more than that whether she can learn from me or not that's not MY place and I refuse to be the teacher.  I'm not sure how she feels about it but maybe just maybe she and myself should sit down and have a discussion (so long as she makes up her mind as to whether she wants to fight me/hate me/befriend me/whatever) cause this is rather ridiculous. 

I really believe the antics are cause you don't want me to have anyone else possibly replacing what I had once felt for you. Can't you see that it's too late? Too late to try and show me you want me now. Too late to talk shit about running away together because when I was ready..when I was holding YOU down I found out I was only holding myself down. Fuck the bull na na. Where do we go from here. 

Trouble

Surprisingly in a great mood today although I did get into it with Tom last night. he didn't want me to go out and was breaking bottles outside trying to get me to stay home. I took off anyways. The way to communicate with me is not through yelling and violence and breaking shit.  I do not respond well to those things. I would really hope to someday find someone as laid back as myself. I don't see myself ever being someone who resorts to that kind of behavior when they don't get their way.

I had a good evening anyways, kicked it with the homie (no not B) had somethin I was sippin on and we walked around the neighborhood and got lost actually and I had to pee so freaking bad and it was pretty late so nothing was open.

Just a random side thought...I miss the good side of the Hawaiian fam..the kids I mean. As much as i dislike children certain children are okay. Those kids I don't mind one bit. And there were so many of em too haha. It makes me miss all my family back home and all the kids there, well they are starting not to be kids anymore. My lil cousin will be starting high school soon and I mean seriously how time flies, I remember the day she was born literally like it was yesterday. I guess a good amount of time has passed since then though.

My thoughts...my thoughts...my thoughts..my thoughts..honestly. It feels good to let go. It feels good to be free and it's been so long since I could come out of my external skin.  I try not to be trouble. I try not to be troubled. This troubled troubling life and all the things that go with it. Just these thoughts that keep racing..racing with me and running with me..troubling me. I have never been much of a trouble to most I would say. I have tried to help the troubled even. There are troubled minds I can't ease...and troubled hearts I can't reach. I only do my good deeds. Or what seems good just to me? Fuck trouble. There I go rambling again..

For whom the bell tolls

(yesterday evening)
Fuck all that god damn noise..
The bells, whistles, and all that happy horse shit. The fuck I look like for one..I can't trust yo ass for shit..which is why I said you might "pinch my sack" or shoot me how ever you would want to take it. I can't keep taking the blows you deal to me and still seek comfort from you, it makes no sense.

Maybe im just not strong enough. I can't seem to do it. This push pull back and fourth. I put up a good fight today though. Do I continue fighting it, do I push myself and you away. I don't want to see the end of this story..there is no way it will end except tragically for me. I don't know if I should run, I'm sad..I'm lost...I always end up alone, which is why I feel so bitter.

(Today)
Anyways yesterday I had five missed calls from B and then later when he finally got in touch with me I had nothing but attitude towards him and I was just asking him what kind of favor or what did he need help with. He didn't like my attitude but I picked him up anyways attitude and all just so I could have some company. He told me I was being "off" and wanted to know why..I didn't really want to get into my feelings cause I'm on my "fuck the world" ish right now. Anyways he played black ops and I watched the whole time then we just sat talking..he had a whole lot on his mind..and I couldn't believe he tried to come at me on some sideways shit like I helped contribute to whatever issues he's having now. HAH. I was irked by that because he was like they knew you came to see me or talked to me in jail after I had asked you not to say anything but it's like hello you don't think people can piece that shit together for themselves. Anyone that even remotely knows you..or remotely knows me would probably know that shit or figure that out, even if I did deny it or had an alibi.

It was hot and he took off his shirt and we were talking about his tan lines because I had noticed he had gotten quite a bit of color since the last time I had seen him.  I took his shirt and put it over his face/eyes so he couldn't see. Don't ask me why..but from there I just ran my fingers up and down his arm. He said "you abuse me" O.O whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? I was like wow what the hell,way to jump to the conclusion that I was going to go farther than that. I was super bothered by that so I took it off him and left him alone.

Oh so excuse me that I sit here and listen to all your stupid ass problems and issues that you have with everyone and want you just to shut up and relax sometimes. I rarely ever get to enjoy him in a relaxed state of mind. It's so frustrating. It's like shut up and go to sleep.

Then he was like if that's how you're going to be towards me I don't think I would ever talk to you again. SHEESH. I was not going to rape you. Holy Shit. Then I listened to him talk some more blah blah blah he talked a lot..I took him home he was saying how if I'm working against him he doesn't want to talk to me blah I got upset..more blah..He was like why are you upset? Why are you crying? and I was like I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT STICK BY YOU AND YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING NERVE. He hugged me and told me to chill out and left. BLAH. haha.

I wish he would leave..I wish he and Keesha would move somewhere else.

I'm just most irked by how much shit he talked to me while he was in jail about how much he missed me and blah dee dah and now he's treating me like he is.

I'm going to explain what I meant earlier in the first paragraph. Right after I picked him up he asked me if I would be around him if he had a gun. I said well as long as you don't shoot me. He was like wow, how can you say that. That's like saying "don't pinch my sack (of bud) because that person is pinching it" it's like a guilt trip kind of. I was like no nigga just cause you say one thing do something else how do I know you might say "no of course not" and do the opposite. Just like you cheated on me..or did you forget that because now we're just friends. He was like we crossed a line past friendship already it's like yeah but now you are trying to take steps backwards. I'm starting to feel like I can actually do what I was meant to and let you not mean shit to me.

Yeah here, gone..who gives a fuck. I'ma do me with or without you like I said..because at least now I can. He said the problem with people is that they don't let the past go, because they don't they can't move forward. It's like no, what you don't understand about the world is that you can't go treading on people and say sorry, can we move forward and expect things to be okay. You can't keep fucking up and expect things to be O-kay. This is reality. Shit is not okay. Your behavior is not O-fucking-kay. What don't YOU understand. This is why people don't fuck with you or want to fuck with you. I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I waste my damn time. I fight myself constantly. He made a point to say that he's been with me 3 out  of the 4 days I've had off in the last two weeks. I'm wondering why am I wasting it with someone who doesn't give two fucks about me and if I'm O-fucking-kay. He thanks himself for me hating the world. I'm aggravated. But it is my own doing. Thank you Thank you I know I know and I will not be told. But at least I don't point the finger at anyone for that. I have the mirror for that.

I could keep going but that's all for now.

One thing I had forgotten to mention that I want to make a mental note of was something he told me he said to Wiggs (a friend of mine that he tatted last week)

"One thing I like about you is that although you can't relate, you understand. Keesha on the other hand can relate but doesn't understand"

S.M.I. Rantings

(A rant I went on last night after having woken due to my Sleep Maintenance Insomnia)

I had always been your savior and protector.
I stepped down from the position in acquisition
to being my own savior and protector and placing my faith in my own cautious yet oh so caustic righteous divine being.

Woe is me, the wounds once felt soaked in vinegar,  I  have always chased such things with honey.

Another wakeful night..o amorous sleep I beckon you stay with me longer..I beseech thee. Keep my grazing mind lofty with dreams. Dreams of peacefulness, of love, of happiness.

Tis the poet that has awoken in the night quietly and quickly taking note of prose yet aware to not wake the the mistress, the master of the house. Because the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Armor For Sleep- Car Underwater

This is going to sound a lil redic..but maybe all I need is..touch. I say this because I was in a mood all day but when a particular someone (not B) came up behind me at the trash can I realized my mood changed. Although he put his finger to my head and said "you couldve just got shot girl" I didn't connect it until I was driving home and noticed my improved mood. I was thinking about when B asked me if I thought I could tolerate him and I know I told him previously that I could but emotionally I think I just can't do it. Although I would be glad if he would just hold me for a while. I don't know why. Stupid though if you ask me and would probably only make things worse for me emotionally. I have a feeling I won't be hearing from him..I wouldn't mind it though. It would be nice to get other things done although first I need a clear head. It will come..it will come..it will come.

Captain Cutthroat.
That's who I have to be.
Fuck you.
Not me.
(:

Butcher

"They'll never take me alive, I'm gettin high with my four-five.."

So like the good friend that I am, I picked up this fool yesterday and brought him to his homies crib so he could tat him up, it took the entire day.

His boy Angel was getting tatted across his hands "Bitches ain't shit butt hoez and tricks" That was the exact spelling & I know it's incorrect.

I spoke to my friend Kait back east and she was telling me how she was feeling upset about things with a guy and guys with general and me being bored as hell kinda decided to go off on a rant which added to the funk that I was in.

I got home and was emotionally in a bad way felt like trying to numb the way I was feeling took an ambien and rode it out. Woke up in that familiar fog, still in a mood but at least while I'm at work I'm away from everyone pretty much and don't have to worry about my idle time and idle mind.

He said he wanted to finish up the tat tomorrow but I'm thinking like look..if all you want from me is a ride to and from ya boy's house just pitch me some gas money and I'll drop you off there and leave. No point in me being there. Shit I'll even take him and her over there if that's the case. Cause me sittin there was a waste of my time and day.  I didn't say too much last night but I'll be sure to tell him the morning if he wants me to pick him up.


I also got irritated cause we were at the park and these fools had a fat one and asked if I wanted any and then B said "oh no..she's a square.." the fuck? just cause I don't like green doesn't mean I'm a square..I'M STILL A FUCKIN G..-___-


He told me he felt weird being there and I think that's why he kinda wanted someone there but I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm in the process of rebuilding. I'm rebuilding everything. I don't give a fuck. People here are really unworthy of loyalty and they thrive off back stabbing. I have to watch my own back. I was just thinking about all the bullshit we talked about when he was locked up and my nerves are just about boiling..right now it's at a simmer. Given the right circumstance it's going to go off. I've maintained my cool through A LOT. A LOT. It's pretty much an understatement and a slap in the face.

He said he's been feeling watched lately and here and there I've been kinda feeling that way too which is why I don't like that he's been giving random people MY number to get in touch with him. I don't want any dumb shit being tied back to me. But anyways it's like fuck you..I ain't ya answering service..the fuck I look like? Go ask ya GIRL to handle that shit. Oh wait..but isn't that just me getting caught up in my emotions? Yeah..which is why I bite my tongue.  I haven't gone back on that shit I once told him.  That "I'ma get mad at times but that's just me getting caught up" I HAVE to keep myself in check. Because emotions can ruin you.

Found something interesting on Kush&Wisdom:

"It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
I shouldn't care, but I do.
I should hate you, but I don't"

and this one

Life Notes:
"wanna know why I push people away? It's only because I've been hurt too many times before. So many damn people have gone in and out of my life. Some because of stupid reasons and some with no reason at all. I push people away because I'm sick and tired of it. I leave before I am left.  I leave before I get hurt again. Simple as that. Plus, if people are meant to be in my life, they'll come back. Somehow."

So pretty much I'ma lay low..not saying I haven't been but even more so if possible from the majority. I don't care for much. I love my me time when I'm zoning. I've gotta keep chuggin along. I feel like I really don't belong out here. I'm way too G for this place. Seriously though. On Monday keep in mind I had on 4in heels and boys were over here drooling..but I got the "you used to be a tomboy?" "kinda yeah, I played a lot of sports" "that's why you're bulit like that" I always get that...in NJ..out here.."that's why you're built like that" that doesn't mean I'm a tomboy..my attitude is just cause I'm a G. LOL. And there have been times I've been told I act like a dude from my guy friends..why just cause I try not to give a fuck and watch who I fuck with? Everyone should be that way in that case.

Rather ride solo. Keep a small circle..keep em all out.  Watch your own back. Never depend on anyone for anything cause everybody carries a knife.

Lol be your own butcher.

Call me Captain Cutthroat..(hence my Facebook pic)

These blogs have been kinda long lately, just quite a bit on my mind.

Zone

So after he forced her to speak to me on Saturday she was kind of speaking unwillingly. I asked her what kind of goals or aspirations she had for herself if any and she told me none, nothing. I'm not sure if it was out of anger or if she really doesn't but so be it.  I didn't speak to anyone yesterday but I received a text this morning. He was mad with me for having talked shit about him apparently while he was gone/in jail. I said to him..you act like this has not been anything you haven't brought upon yourself. It's just a shame really. He's not okay right now and I know that but all of everything that has ever happened has been because of himself. He can not blame anyone else for any of it.  He has no where to go because no one is willing to help him because all he does is use people til there's nothing left. So right now he's trying to go back to Vegas, he said his chances of survival are better out there than they are here, which brings me to my next point..They shouldn't have ever came out here. They should've stayed over there and not brought chaos here to Arizona. He says, that dumb bitch this and that sorry ass bitch that..it's like you fool, that's the woman you love. Talk all the shit you want..call her any name you want. That's all you right there. Why don't either of them understand that about each other I don't know.  I've helped all that I could I told him to try and be good, to try and not let it get to him everything that is bothering him as hard as it may seem. I don't think I can do anymore. I honestly don't care to. If you are going to sit there and not take responsibility for your actions and your behavior I can't help. I did not create this. Which is why I told him I don't need anyone. I stay in my zone ALONE. He asked if he could join me and the answer was no, you are in your own zone. I'm not part of his zone. If any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.  I realize I'm in my zone alone. He can't be a part of it, he ruined his chances.  It's good I stay this way because I don't have any problems like this. I witness problems but they are not my own.  Hopefully he makes figures out what he is going to do and what she is going to do. He said I gave him away..but really he gave me away. Now I'm adrift in the ocean carried away by the tide with signs of land. 

Rob and Lei's tires were slashed last night. It's messed up because Rob and Lei had nothing to do with this mess. I don't know what will happen now. I just plan on staying in my zone. 

Adrenaline & Hugs

Yesterday was probably one of the most exciting days that I've had in a very long time.

I got a call from B early in the morning asking me if I could help him do something but that he didn't want to talk about it over the phone. So we met up and he filled me in on what is/was a crazy situation that is/was much larger than he anticipated (I will not disclose on here just in case.)  Long story short he needed help getting his car back from his cousin who would not give it up willingly.

We met up with them at Ranch Market and I waited in my vehicle while he went with them in the check cashing facility. I'm not sure what happened when they got back to the car but shortly after I heard screaming "he's killing me, he's killing me..help me, help me.."  I just sat and waited.  Next thing you know cops pull up (two) and I was thinking to myself oh gheez...So I wait a while and then I step out the car and everyone was quiet and no one was cuffed so I let out a sign of relief.  I knew if no one was cuffed by the time I got out everything would be alright.  So the cops told him if he wants to get the car back (because legally he is the rightful owner,and they were illegally driving it) to do it legally with the help of police.

He dropped them off home and left the car with them because they were begging him saying they needed to take the kids to an event in the evening at their school.  He wanted to see if that was really what they were going to do so he let them keep it for the time being.  Later on his cousins (who's children go to the same school) said they never showed up so..he decided it was time to take it. He called the cops who met up with us and were going to escort us to the vehicle and acquire it back

We get there and you could feel the tension in the air...The cops told them they had to give him the keys and take whatever out the car that belonged to them. Taira was saying "you're really going to do this to me" over and over. The kids were screaming and crying and Valerie yelled "you did this to my life" and they were yelling my name. I didn't feel anything. I knew it was for the better. The kids don't understand.  They have no idea what's going on. They are in a bad place and my parents are considering calling CPS on them because they are using drugs in the house. The car was just their means of going about the dirt they do. All of the neighbors were all outside and people looking and walking by. B looked at me and said "I feel like at any point someone could pop out the window and shoot" and honestly I was nervous..you could feel it in the air. But we got the car and met back at Rob and Lei's house. I wanted to talk to Keesha, face to face. I knew she was mad and I wanted to let her know she had no reason to be at this point. I helped THEM out as a team. I felt really good having done so. The whole day he made sure he kept in touch with her and let her know what was going on and while we were waiting for the cops I told him he should let her know we were waiting and that it could be a while.

ME...looking out for HER feelings. Cause I know if that was me I'd want every phone call...and every update.

She was initially upset that I was there or maybe she was mad but she took off with her cigarette down a few blocks walking fast. I told him I was just going to go. I called later and asked to speak to her because woman to woman I wanted to let her know she had/has no reason to worry. I feel confident that I don't want him like that...I rather they stay with each other and work things out because I know how much they mean to one another even though their relationship is turbulent. I am understanding. Today she met up with me briefly on their way to sort some things out and we hugged. I feel so much better. I am really happy that I can help them.

Their wacky drugged up fam that we got the car back from have been harassing me and my family business, they have been texting and calling making random threats (nothing violent) but I'm not thinking much of it at all..it's going to blow over on my end. I didn't do anything to hurt them in anyway. I can't say I feel bad because they treated me shitty and were two faced to me. ANYWHO...

What about my feelings for him? It's okay. Yes I do have feelings for him and I've been slowly breaking them down and knowing the difference between the kinds of feelings we have toward people in general.  When he mentioned me "loving" him or whatever okay I would say yes I do as a friend but would I ever date him again no, probably not and I know him all too well..that works out for the better for me.  I'll find my own eventually. Someone who's right for me. He's not right for me. I rather things be this way where we can all get along. I think it's funny though that she had been the one threatening to fight me before and cursed me out before and here she was hugging me :) I'd really like for them to be happy together. For now, I've done my job. Actually ending this one on a good, happy note in regards to that idiot (for once!)

I have a lot more to say about what this experience has taught me about certain things but I'll hold off for now..THIS WAS KINDA LONG!

Above and Beyond

(this morning about an hour ago) And he says to me.."you're not angry, you're serious..you're beyond angry."

He called me and I called him back. I hear her hand him the phone "it's her cell phone number" then an exchange and then "Fuck you bitch..." I got confused and thought he was speaking to me..I said excuse me? I can't remember what else but it sounded like he had only called to make her mad. He was loudly saying "I FELT LIKE I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO AND SO I JUST WANTED TO CHAT A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE I KNOW AT LEAST WE NEVER ARGUE"

eh..whatever. I was trying to tell him that I did invite Keesha out with us but not to get things twisted.

A few days ago I spoke to Laka and told her how I was feeling about being deserted. She said that she was here for me so I asked her if she wanted to come to the mall with me. She said she had to go drop her daughter off by Lei and I said I would've invited Lei but what about Keesha. Then I said to myself "oh who cares, Keesha can come too." I told her and she said she'd let Lei know. Lei said let's go Thursday because she had to work yesterday.

This made me feel really weird afterwards. Like really...did I just invite Keesha out with us? So long as she behaves I guess I wouldn't mind.  Just be normal ya know? I know this is the girl who's threatened to fight me a couple of times but she's really just a confused mixed up girl.  She's not far off from myself..well she is but in ways she isn't. I'm at least attempting to do something with my life. I'd help her. Just like I'd help him. I tried to help her before but she turned things around on me for the sake of HIM. Which is okay, I understand she has deep strong feelings for him. I understand why she doesn't like me time to time. Part of her wants to though, I can tell from the short time I tried to befriend her.  Anyways...I don't think I want to go tomorrow. Not after having spoken to him. I'll go alone.  He sounded very mad about it. And I'm not wanting to stir any pots.  I could tell Lei and maybe even Laka were excited to see what would happen. But, I know me. I'm not fighting over no stupid boy.  He's not worth it. Okay so I have some feelings for him but I can do away with them given the right environment, and time of course. Because time heals all right?

Anyways, a few days ago and ex of mine decided to text me..keep in mind things ended really nasty and I no longer had his number. I'm extremely weary about this..I kinda don't even know why I've been texting him back...FAIL -____-

Alone

Loneliness is ever so consuming..
So draining.
There is no sympathy in loneliness,
no empathy.
I have once embraced my loneliness when I have had no one to embrace.

Loneliness is cruel.
I won't wash my eyes, not tonight,
Because the lonely shadows are watching me.
Taunting me in the darkness.
Reminding me that I am alone.

Wrestling Restlessness

I had believed that reintroducing bootcamp into my life that my sleep maintenance insomnia would go away. Although at first I believed it did, but as of this past week I've been waking up throughout the night.

My trip back to New Jersey I had been hoping for is not going going to happen because I needed new tires. All 4, because my one tire had a screw AND a nail in it and couldn't be repaired. Sucks..I really wanted to go home. It's been so long..I feel like my actual friends and family are out there. Not here, especially not after all the bullshit I've been put through with these weirdos.

So..I was supposed to Apply for the mortuary science program this fall but I missed the deadline for the vaccines.  Because we will be handling dead bodies we must be re immunized before enrolling in the program and they are very particular as to when you get vaccinated.

I'm starting to get that itch again...that "need something new" itch. I don't think hair color is going to do it..not a new piercing..I'm not sure what but something it hasn't fully surfaced yet.  We'll see when the time comes.

Last week was a mess. Hormones all over the place. I heard a song driving home from bootcamp and started crying. (The song was "Words I Never Said" by Lupe Fiasco.)

I've been feeling in a bit of a rut lately but hopefully that'll go away soon it doesn't help with my weight fluctuating nothing seems to fit properly almost everything is too big or just fits weird. 

I don't know if it's me being extra picky or what, but guys have just not been saying the right things to me or super duper irritating me lately. I told this guy who's interested in me that I have a profile on a "dating" website he called me a tease. I felt really offended. He said if you don't intend on dating anyone you shouldn't be on there. I explained to him that it clearly states my intent on the site is NEW FRIENDS. And at first I was like oh whatever I'll talk to him casually but now I just feel like NAH.

Fight for none

So after all the bullshit subsided and that fool got out of jail everyone that was up my ass had disappeared. Everyone (of their family) who was pretending to be my friend and like they gave a shit about me and my feelings was suddenly gone. As to be fucking expected. I knew some bull shit was up because how do you go from "friends" that hit you up everyday checking on you to nothing..for weeks. I get a message last night from their cousin Lei like "I don't know if we did the wrong thing but we let them stay with us." Really? after all the shit you talked about them. How you didn't want that incest around your kids or their drama. Really? You take them in? After you tell me that I should stay away from them and tell them to fuck off...YOU TAKE THEM IN? What kind of dumb shit is this? And I'm beyond fed up with that whole family. Fuck them. He better not EVER try me again. EVER. I'm telling him off. I praying I hold my tongue. I am so angry right now. Karma right? Karma will take care of it all?