Chill Out Bruh

So I'm over here working on a bunch of homework and one of our papers for my 217 class is called an "I am" piece and then I thought about one girl in my class who every single paper we have ever had to write has been about her husband and them getting married and falling in love. Well besides being sick and tired of hearing about it. I thought what if that was a cover up.  Because it seems way too forced for it to even seem right.  Almost like she is trying to convince us of something like that they are that in love or something.  I wonder if that makes sense.  Why does she feel the need to only EVER talk about her husband. She somehow always relates it to him.  We get the point but it's overkill if there is nothing wrong with their relationship.  Either that or she's obsessed and in that case it's like CHILL OUT BRUH.  First of all it sounded like bologna.  They met at a party and boom love at first sight and next thing ya know they are married. Give me a break and not a piece of a kit kat bar, I don't even like kit kat.  Just wanted to say that. I mean good for you if you're happy and in love that's all good and gravy but just chill the fuck out.

Bitch Don't Kill my Vibe

Thinking about what happened yesterday and just thinking about how when we were kids we didn't know anything at all but claimed to know so much.  So righteous.  Funny how I can see it now.  How much we really don't know. How deeply we can feel.  How these things can effect us long after and the changes we all go through.  I thought on him now and realized I don't know him at all. There is nothing left of the person I once knew.

These evenings when I have too much time on my hands and I sit and contemplate the inner workings of my mind.  I realize sometimes I want someone to listen to. To just speak to me.  Even if they are saying nothing at all, I just want to listen.  It's kinda like an embrace without the physical touch.  A voice can be soothing, a voice can be comforting, especially when you're alone or feel alone.

Sometimes..man...I can't even explain it.  But I just know.  I'm not omniscient but I just know, about lots of things.

I can tell when I'm getting half heartedness or maybe I can just pretend to know...cause isn't that just it? Aren't we all just pretending.

Just love me please.  Appreciate me.  Be real. Give me you. Hold me, hold me so that I can feel it.  Let me feel it, let me know.  My legs are tired from running, but if I must keep running, I will.

For Running

Listening to:  Keisha's song (her pain)

"And in her heart she hate it there but in her mind she made it to where nothing really matters.." Kendrick Lamar 

I am a product of quantum physics
& Rhetorical questions
I'm familiar with the relevance of the residents, she of which we speak.
Do not shy away, wipe away the cries of mornings past of nights lust..lost
shadows of hope..
faith..innocence amongst the tyranny that is...
Be mindful of your actions
Be mindful of your words
Of your quiet thoughts that speak without your wishes..
That seep through your pores and bequeath the very breath you take.
Taken..so much in life is taken..taken but not given..given for granted? No always taken.
Always broken. Always shattered. Always silent. Always..always..remorseful..rueful..PLAYFUL? shameful. For shame..for bitter shame.

Three Words

So today I stopped to consider a female "friend" although I kinda consider her more of an actual acquaintance. Shes always saying t "I love you" to us/our group. Today I was the only she saw and it hit me. She said it and I kinda was like "Okay bye!" Just was awkward. I can't do it haha. I've only ever uttered those words to family and my best friend. The only exception was my one ex that I have mentioned as Dynasty and it took me about 8 months to even spit out. And frankly I think I have a problem with those words as it is. People toss em loosely, unknowingly, unthinkingly..me..I refuse to even let it come out. I thought about a once realization I had in my car (as always in my car) about not wanting to "love" someone knowing that it wasn't love or even if it was it was unrequited love. All bad. And I would never openly admit it either because I knew it was false. Later to have that same person lie in my face and tell me they "loved" me...disgusted moment that was. I don't think its right to say if its a lie, I don't think its right to say unless it is unconditional. I think its safe to say, I think I rather never hear it than to hear it and it be a lie.

Later that evening (lol)
here I am, I came back to this.

Digging Holes

Certain things I can't mention but I'll do what I can on here for now. I'd been away from my blog for a what seemed like a while for me. It was nice to get away from Arizona too bad the time away wasn't completely stress free. Drama happened, crying and feeling helpless at one point. Blah blah blah.

Onwards and upwards. It's the holiday season again. I've always always always hated the holidays. Maybe this year will be different. I'm just going to try my best to implore positivity. So long as I can stay out of this stupid mall I don't see it being much of a problem.

 So I just did the calculations to see how my working sched. will change and only to find that I'm going from working 56 hours to 48. Ugh. Only an 8 hour difference.

I want so badly to be balanced in my life and to be serene and happy. My whole life has/had been a struggle. Listening to Frank Ocean-Pyramids today

Things have been moving so quickly it seems too.  My agitation is running on high..like right now my mom is on the phone and being loud and I can't think straight and the shit they are talking about is like really..."what color is the meat tenderizer" come on.  I want to blast the music and drift away.  I've been waiting for her to be here and actually do some work so I can eat my breakfast because all she's been doing is rug shopping, looking at puppies and bullshitting on the phone. And then asking me why I'm breaking peoples $20's it's like well if you'd like to step and do some work, ya know run your stupid ass store that you made me move out here for that would be great.

Hold up, lemme cool my jets.

So much feisty-ness going on. Which leads me to my next point. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving just because I want to spend some quality time with my bed.

I'll lighten up, I just gotta get out of here.  I left the bullshit to come back to the bullshit. This setting is not for me. I don't know how else it can be said or shown. It makes me mean and I don't need that and nobody likes that.

The last few weeks have been kinda overwhelming,  and the issue that came up that made me feel helpless and upset really hit me somewhere deep.  Just makes me want to be held for hours.

Enemy

B done lost his mind. I was so sleepy and he was talking to me about how he has court on the 19th but plans to run and was talking about how he was thinking of asking his one cousin if he could come back out here and I was like dude don't ask me anything I don't talk to them so I don't know, I don't fuck with them at all.  I did tell him that they probably would just try to use him just like before.  Like leeches. He called me and I remember the phone ringing and I don't have his number saved so I looked at it and put it back down. and next thing ya know I wake up with these texts from him he was callin' me his love and shit. I said to myself "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO" I thought about telling him this morning that he should just turn himself in and do his time instead of running and making things worse. Idiot.

He better not come out here..I'm not helping him. Before he got his phone cut off he was tryna ask me about sending him money smh..I didn't respond and he didn't mention it again since.  

I brought up being like Carlos again and how he thinks he's just gonna talk to me in his manipulative way and wedge himself where he doesn't belong and expect me to cave in.  I said it before he isn't going to pry himself back to where he doesn't belong.  I'm not throwing away everything for something/someone so stupid.  The fuck I look like.  I listen. I always listen.

The Way Things Were.

So I spoke to Dynasty today via facebook and he tried to tell me that I own him money for the things that I paid for to have put in the car.  Obviously he's delusional, I paid for everything. I was the one sitting here having to play catch up on car payments that he was supposedly paying.  Just like when he lied to me about being on vacation when he had quit his job. He tried to go back and say he took care of me and left his job to take care of me. Bull fuckin shit. Saying that he'll be nice to me if I pay him $2,000. That he'll put the grudge behind him if I pay him, in that case he can keep his grudge. I told him that I'm not about to sit here and argue because obviously we see things differently.  He said I'm the reason he is how he is..he's the reason I am how I am! That he went through a life changing event, but so did I. Okay so you remember everything like it was yesterday. I DO TOO. I remember how everything felt. Of course it wasn't the way things had been with B but believe me the first cut is the deepest. I told him over and over that I wasn't going to get into what happened between us. Just that I understand that he and I don't see things the same and that's that. I wasn't going to be the one to sit there and yell at him like he'd done over and over before and he said that's why he doesn't talk to me cause he doesn't want to argue but if you think about it it's more than that. I could sit there and talk about the bullshit he did up until the day I left New Jersey and every single lie that I remember. But what good would it do me?  Really though? No I refuse to throw that shit in his face.  I don't sit there and tell him how he fucked me up emotionally with all the bullshit and how I still have problems and have ever since. No no of course not.
But don't dare harp on me if you yourself are not God. I never claimed to be miss innocent, I never claimed to be perfect. I fessed up. I owned my bullshit (even if it was eventually) and I have shot straight ever since.  You, you never would fess up which is cool because like The Weeknd said 'I know everything' I won't forget a damn thing cause I have the memory of an elephant and I take down these memoirs hopefully for some sense of peace within myself. And I let you go.  You forced it out of me but eventually I did it.  And I'd been colder than ever after that. I was young and I was hurt and I was bitter and I did some messed up stuff and I hurt other people in return that I didn't necessarily mean to hurt.  I had never felt that kind of pain before in my life.  I remember crying for hours from Pennsylvania all the way back to New Jersey.  I remember it all. So by me being able to hear you out and not lash out at you is a huge sense of maturity I would say on my behalf.  You were cold when you met me.  I took a that part of you with me.
Oh and things will be all better for some money. Get the fuck outa here with that bullshit.
Then have the nerve to like my facebook status. -__- I'm so not amused. And I know after that surprisingly long conversation he thinks he's being funny.
What kills me is that the other day I was driving I can't remember exactly which day or where I was going or coming from but I was thinking about how I'm definitely not the best looking girl or the smartest or the fittest or whatever but I try my damnedest to do what I can for those I care about..or those who manage to get close enough to me better yet.  Ahhh this blog post is getting too long and I'm rambling again. I'm done ranting though.

Twenty-Eight

This song...
I'm gonna write to this one for sure once I sit down with it and my thoughts. I know exactly when too.  I'm hoping I can knock out most of my homework/papers that I have to write so that I can actually enjoy myself  a little while I am away.

Effervescent Thoughts

Part One:

Do you hope and aspire to dream the dreams of things your past could not provide you with..take the time to meditate on the things that take precedence in your life. Are you motivated? Are you captivated? Are you inspired? What do these words mean to you if anything..or are you just a feeble mind who lacks such an inquisitive nature..would you dare be so meek to live among the unquestionable minds..just some food for thought..



Part Two:

I will spill these words upon the canvas as they have wrought and fought against my brainstem screaming for a way out.

Our spirits broken, our hearts rused and jaded. How can we truly begin again? O to be but a child with fresh eyes, fresh spirit, untainted soul, and unbroken heart.

Are we but indentured servants to these life experiences?

Is it unquestionable, unthinkable..to try to wish? To conjure up a way to be freed of our duly oppressed selves..only to be critiqued by oneself?! Over and over in madness and in torture..

Does history repeat itself? Do sinners who repent learn not but what they do but rather what they mean?! Who they curse?

Who's blessed good heart they run riot upon and wild like savageous weeds among the garden. The worm and infestation in the apple. The cancer in thy body? Is it you?! Are we all forsaken here? Are we but the same people living the same lives only to be doomed like a tragic hero by ourselves. The tears that have once shed that damned precursor for the future has gathered with every wave and every roll in the ocean. With every emotion felt within the tide itself. Gravity to blame? How would one escape gravity exactly?



This was in the works last night, part one's inspiration came to me while I was driving (the worst of times o_O) and I managed to get everything down on inkpad notepad via mostly speech to text. B hit me up yet again last few days, talking about how he hates sleeping alone. I keep our conversations bare minimum or at least try to. He gets dissatisfied and stops so I win. Yesterday he said something about being a liar and I went off on him basically and told him if he wants to talk shit to me why does he even bother texting me. His phone is off so he uses some app and is always texting me from new/different phone numbers. At the time I was thinking "you love to bother me because I'm all you fuckin have" it's really dumb..he really has no one else in the world left to bother I think. Most of the time he leaves me alone so that's good.

on a more strange note..dynasty hit me up on fb completely out of the blue..he and I don't speak unless it's about the car which I almost have paid off..less and a grand left so thank GOD. He sent a message and all it said was "weird ass" I asked him what and he said what nothing. So I said why did you say that he said no reason so I said you're the weird ass then..he said "just wanted to talk" which is strange..he doesn't ever just want to talk. Strange..just strange. Oh well.

Rambling again

So tell me when'd you lose your innocence?
When'd you lose your present tense?
The motions we all go through
is there a purpose for us to reminisce?
What about the intent? What about the relent?
Got washed up on the shore without a reason or a sacrament.
What about the aftermath? What about that woman's wrath?
The grapes been sour far too long
for you to even try to make wine of that.
I won't try to take it, won't bring it back
the sake of heart is what we all would lack

I was irritated as hell yesterday cuz one of B's friends from Durango kept callin me and callin me so eventually I got out of work and called him back like look dude, I'm not with him..he ain't wit me. And then I was probed with "well what happened..but you were all he talked about..why would he leave you.." yadda ya. I was like dude, here's his number you can hit him up. I let B know that some guy was hitting me up lookin for him and at first he said he wasn't gonna hit him back but I was like he can't be calling me especially cause I was with my dude and I wasn't tryna have him feeling any type of way either.  So he ended up sayin he was sorry and would hit him up. Later that night B was still talkin to me about how he and I was just a matter of bad timing. I told him nah it wasn't. The outcome wouldve been the same regardless.  He also said he got served a protection order against/from Keesha that she bruised her legs and try to say he did it. WHATEVERS!

Right now..I'm cool on everything and everyone.  So many people so full of bullshit everywhere all around us all the time. Even when you least expect it. Even when you hope for the best.  Even when you're positive majority of the time you get faced back with bullshit.  I'm good I'm cool. Back on the bullshit..back from the bullshit and back to the bullshit.