Hands

I don't care what anyone in the WORLD has to say...he is my friend and that's that..to everyones dismay...

The last few times I'd be with him I've cried...I think because part of me knows that I don't know what I'm doing or what we are all doing. I hate to feel for him. It's so painful and so wrong.  He'd be in the shower and I'd just be laying there eyes gathering tears..he'd get out and look at me like AH..ah is right..how is it that  you can easily multitask...I don't even like to, found myself doing just that and I hate it...I'm making myself angry. I'm being a hypocrite. I'm lying but I don't want to be lied to.  And Like the new book I'm reading says...we never like to blame ourselves for things no matter how wrong they are. Which is exactly how I feel. I'm being this way because I'm getting mine. I'm getting back at those who have wronged/or are wronging me. Play or be played kind of motto. Yet I've gotten lost amongst the game.

And all this confusion...such a huge cloud in front of me..what the hell is going on? I don't even know where I am anymore. It's like you get on a ride and you kinda don't feel good and but the ride keeps going and the lights are all flashing and the ride starts getting faster and the music is playing and now you're really uncomfortable and it's not fun anymore. And it's going faster still and everyone around you looks like they are having fun and laughing but YOU really don't feel good, and you want it to stop, and you want to get off..but the music keeps playing louder..and louder..and now you feel like crying.  That's exactly how I feel.

I didn't want any of this...I was hoping I could get out..that I could get away...I started running to drinking...but that's not fun...I keep ending up where I started.

We were in the car and I was talking about how this guy has a slight thing for me I guess but how I'm not a good fit for him and that I know of a girl he'd be a good match for. That they'd "fit" that they would be a good "fit" and he asked me if we "fit" and I said I don't know and he got thrown off. Honestly no we aren't a good fit. We are but aren't. In ways yes but no.  Essentially no. He said "It's too late now because you've put your hands in my life" O.o the fuck does that mean?

So I as soon as I heard from him on one phone Keesha calls me from another phone...It was strange, she sat there telling me how she thinks he's using me and that she doesn't mind him going with me as long as he gets things done instead of just laying around with me all day. And how at first he/we told her it wasn't like that between us anymore and it really wasn't but..you know..it went there eventually. She was mad he came home with hickeys on his neck. (in my drunkenness I wanted to show her...and he let me :/)  very very selfish of me. I think of how he had left me for her though and how he lied to me. And how she tried to befriend me to turn the things I said about him around on me. No good. I don't trust any of them and I don't want or need anything from either of them.  I told her that yesterday...that the one day I didn't hear from him I had such a productive day! That the four of them should go try and live a life somewhere without me.  I don't know. She's semi comfortable with me and it's really weird. If I were her I wouldn't let him put the doubt in my head about another girl.  It's really not okay for him to want to have me around...she should know that. It is not okay for him to run off with me twice a week.  It is not okay for him to come home with hickey's on his neck (which I won't be doing that again.)  It just isn't. In no circumstance.  It's not something I would tolerate from someone I want to be in a relationship with...hence why I broke up with him and would never be in a relationship with him again.