December

She lays in his bed smoking a cigarette thinking...
It isn't going to be enough until she is broken.
Broken and lost everything.
Is the sex really worth it?
With a man who could give two shits about her?
But no...he validates her.
He spanks her ass and strokes her ego.
Petting her like the good little kitty she is.
Letting out a soft yet meaningful purr.
Yeah.
She don't know any better.
Somehow the void needs filling.
Somehow enough has to be enough.
But when...

B

If I was to have written back...

B-

It's hard for me to imagine you as the monster the media portrayed you to be. 

I find it sad the predicament even if I don't know all of the details. I know all of what was told to me by you mostly, what little bit of insanity that was told by her and practically nothing from any of your family. 

Your one aunty did say she appreciated that you had me as a friend. 

The reason you can't reach me is because I changed my phone number for personal reasons. I honestly forgot that there would be a chance you'd be trying to call even if I was expecting letters. 

In answer to your question I'm doing fine, I wish I could say I was doing better but I'm not feeling it right this minute. I haven't started working in a funeral home yet. I'm still doing the same lil job I've had for a minute now it's just what is working for me right now. 

I'm also in a recovery program trying to mend the physical and emotional damage I've accumulated and trying to learn how to be a spiritual person.  

I'm grateful for it. I hope you're as well as you can be and that you're staying out of trouble...seriously. I know how you are. I  mean staying out and away from trouble also as in how you got where you are to begin with. 

It's a hard lesson to learn but are you  really wanting to stay in there forever? I should hope that if and when you get out that you're able to make better choices. 

I will keep you in my prayers. 

Your friend, 

Renai

---so, the feelings addressed in the letter I purposely would choose not to address (because it wouldn't be me if I did) I also would hate to think that I'm responsible for crushing those feelings...although verbally I do it no problem. I really feel so much pity for him but I am not a power greater than God therefore I can not fix another person. I can offer to be of service but that is all. 

It makes me sad but it's exactly what is intended to be. That being said I will try to turn it over and go to bed.

How

I wish it could all instantly be fixed that admittance was all that was needed to fix it all.

Now I'm trying to figure out which 12 step program is the one I need to be working on...

So many issues all from a fucked up childhood.

I want to fix myself. I want to fix myself more than anything else.
Self hatred is a bitch especially when it's laid out in front of you by someone else like, "LOOK! Look just how much you hate yourself!...Look just how much you HATE yourself even now without even realizing it! LOOK! JUST LOOK AT IT ALL!"

Forcing your eyes wide open at the mercy of empty emotions.
The unfortunate childhood traumas that we sadly recreate in order to feel safe...how the fuck do you fix such a mess?

Such a damned catastrophe.
I'm questioning myself.
I know I need to undo the past to heal but how can I when it's all I have ever known.

They say control issues stem from being helpless in a situation we had no control over as a child and it led to over compensation...the attempt to control so many things in part.

It's all so fucked. 

I fear coming to terms with feelings that I have ran from. Feelings of hurt...

The PTSD I had no idea I even had...

How do I fix this...

How do I fix it when I don't have support from anyone around me...(not that that's unusual)

How can I possibly get better and be healthy and have healthy relationships with others?

How
Can
I 

30 days

The depressed version of myself.
Broken. Lifeless.
30 days, somehow I have made it 30 days but I'm not happy.
I'm not happy to be here.
Recovery is a bitch and I feel alone.
I have reached out for help only to be pushed away, turned away,  ignored
Where do you go when you're in it feeling alone
I want to satisfy this need.
The addiction is comforting.
The addiction is my only friend.
I can let all else go.

Like a mountain shaped like a spike driven right through my chest. Arms flailing back with gravity.

Isolation. Isolation is my friend too isn't it.
Ugh it doesn't fucking matter.

Fini

I've gotta be over and done with this whole trip.  And by trip I mean tripping as well.

What a fucking disgrace -__-

I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

Disillusionment

How I sincerely wished for you to be real but you were nothing but a disillusionment...

And how I wish I could have been something that was real to you just the same.

Dashboard Confessional kind of day

Screaming Infidelities
This is karma biting me in the ass
Or slapping me in the face
The reason I am constantly running
Infliction
I was reminded again of someone else's behavior
Who would create distance before crushing me
But I can't let you see it
Can't let you know part of me wants to forget how it all ended
Cause when you do kiss me it's with every ounce of you.
No, it's me. I kiss you with every ounce of me.
Like I would never get this moment back again.
And I sit here choking on these words.
These thoughts
These remnants of everything
Dashboard Confessional playing on the phone
Speaking loudly to these choked up memories and condemned wishes.
I remember feeling a sincere hate for you.
I let you in
you were the last person I let it
And here we are with the occasional linger
And now my body hurts from my selfish needs
And the reason drops begin to set in
Predictive weather of my mood
Not to let it get the best of me
I let you get the best of me
You had
Had the best of me
I'm stuck with the rest of me now
The best deceptions
"You're calling too late, you're calling too late..."