How

I wish it could all instantly be fixed that admittance was all that was needed to fix it all.

Now I'm trying to figure out which 12 step program is the one I need to be working on...

So many issues all from a fucked up childhood.

I want to fix myself. I want to fix myself more than anything else.
Self hatred is a bitch especially when it's laid out in front of you by someone else like, "LOOK! Look just how much you hate yourself!...Look just how much you HATE yourself even now without even realizing it! LOOK! JUST LOOK AT IT ALL!"

Forcing your eyes wide open at the mercy of empty emotions.
The unfortunate childhood traumas that we sadly recreate in order to feel safe...how the fuck do you fix such a mess?

Such a damned catastrophe.
I'm questioning myself.
I know I need to undo the past to heal but how can I when it's all I have ever known.

They say control issues stem from being helpless in a situation we had no control over as a child and it led to over compensation...the attempt to control so many things in part.

It's all so fucked. 

I fear coming to terms with feelings that I have ran from. Feelings of hurt...

The PTSD I had no idea I even had...

How do I fix this...

How do I fix it when I don't have support from anyone around me...(not that that's unusual)

How can I possibly get better and be healthy and have healthy relationships with others?

How
Can
I