I wonder how you got to be the hideous creature I know as "mom"
What made you so full of disdain...
I desperately needed your love and attention but instead it was beatings and neglect.
You even admit to not hugging me or telling me you loved me growing up...
It is far too late to make up for it.
You planted the seed that blossomed into never ending self loathing.
Remember the times you used to lock me outside in the yard in nothing but my underwear as "punishment"
Remember the time you told me if I wanted to kill myself that "I knew where the sharp knives are"
You may as well had done it for me
The years of feeling alone...
The times as a child I was forgotten about and left behind at places...
The times you chose my step father over me
You did nothing to protect me
You did nothing to make me feel like I was loved or important to you
The times when child protective services had to get involved
The embarrassment and shame of them taking photos of me as documentation...
I still get flashbacks of the time I was just screaming in the car when his hand was on your throat
I could literally go on for days...
All these things have left such a scar that I don't understand how I've managed
And you tell me I don't need counseling
I honestly wish you understood even a fraction of what you have done to me
But you live in a world where you're just in denial enabling an alcoholic and angry at everything...
I know you won't ever change but I can't help but wish you could be the parent that I so desperately wanted
People always say "but it's your mom" like no matter how bad things are I have to let you just tear me down but I'm tired... I am so tired of fighting against your chaos and and control even if you are my "mother"
Thanks Mom... because of you I feel fucked up beyond fixing...all because I wish I had a rational explanation for you being the way you are but I don't. I can't make you love me the way that I want. I don't know if I can keep your toxicity in my present day.
I am so over this shit.
I am tired of beating my head against this wall.
No comments:
Post a Comment