2019

It's been hard. 

No one knows to what extent it's been. 

I finally spoke up to someone a few days ago about it. 

I've never felt "better" since my overdose in 2006...

I feel like I'm literally just coasting.

Going through the motions from day to day. 

I'm far from being okay.

Just because I'm not trying to kill myself doesn't mean I'm not depressed.

Just because I'm not cutting myself doesn't mean I'm not depressed. 

I just don't care anymore. 

I feel like I've given literally everything I have to no avail 

No one would be able to look at me and know any of this... I have learned not to show it but internally I'm a mess. No amount of antidepressants could make me feel any better... transcranial magnetic stimulation did not help. Nothing has really helped. 

Every time I start counseling I have to change counselors because they either relocate or quit or who the fuck knows. I'm tired of all of it. 

I feel so empty.

People never understand that "I'm glad you're still here" doesn't make me feel better.

Telling me I'm pretty open beautiful or whatever doesn't make me feel that way. I still feel exactly the way my mother engrained into my brain for me to feel. Like a worthless useless piece of shit. I don't care who tells me different. I can't feel different.