Friday, November 9, 2012

The Way Things Were.

So I spoke to Dynasty today via facebook and he tried to tell me that I own him money for the things that I paid for to have put in the car.  Obviously he's delusional, I paid for everything. I was the one sitting here having to play catch up on car payments that he was supposedly paying.  Just like when he lied to me about being on vacation when he had quit his job. He tried to go back and say he took care of me and left his job to take care of me. Bull fuckin shit. Saying that he'll be nice to me if I pay him $2,000. That he'll put the grudge behind him if I pay him, in that case he can keep his grudge. I told him that I'm not about to sit here and argue because obviously we see things differently.  He said I'm the reason he is how he is..he's the reason I am how I am! That he went through a life changing event, but so did I. Okay so you remember everything like it was yesterday. I DO TOO. I remember how everything felt. Of course it wasn't the way things had been with B but believe me the first cut is the deepest. I told him over and over that I wasn't going to get into what happened between us. Just that I understand that he and I don't see things the same and that's that. I wasn't going to be the one to sit there and yell at him like he'd done over and over before and he said that's why he doesn't talk to me cause he doesn't want to argue but if you think about it it's more than that. I could sit there and talk about the bullshit he did up until the day I left New Jersey and every single lie that I remember. But what good would it do me?  Really though? No I refuse to throw that shit in his face.  I don't sit there and tell him how he fucked me up emotionally with all the bullshit and how I still have problems and have ever since. No no of course not.
But don't dare harp on me if you yourself are not God. I never claimed to be miss innocent, I never claimed to be perfect. I fessed up. I owned my bullshit (even if it was eventually) and I have shot straight ever since.  You, you never would fess up which is cool because like The Weeknd said 'I know everything' I won't forget a damn thing cause I have the memory of an elephant and I take down these memoirs hopefully for some sense of peace within myself. And I let you go.  You forced it out of me but eventually I did it.  And I'd been colder than ever after that. I was young and I was hurt and I was bitter and I did some messed up stuff and I hurt other people in return that I didn't necessarily mean to hurt.  I had never felt that kind of pain before in my life.  I remember crying for hours from Pennsylvania all the way back to New Jersey.  I remember it all. So by me being able to hear you out and not lash out at you is a huge sense of maturity I would say on my behalf.  You were cold when you met me.  I took a that part of you with me.
Oh and things will be all better for some money. Get the fuck outa here with that bullshit.
Then have the nerve to like my facebook status. -__- I'm so not amused. And I know after that surprisingly long conversation he thinks he's being funny.
What kills me is that the other day I was driving I can't remember exactly which day or where I was going or coming from but I was thinking about how I'm definitely not the best looking girl or the smartest or the fittest or whatever but I try my damnedest to do what I can for those I care about..or those who manage to get close enough to me better yet.  Ahhh this blog post is getting too long and I'm rambling again. I'm done ranting though.


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