Nails

Ever get a piece of information that you feel like would just change your whole life forever.
Even if it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form.
Something that catches you so off guard that you suddenly feel the need to catch your breath.
That puts a knot in your stomach, makes you feel nauseous.
And makes you fight back tears with that lump in your throat.
But this is fate.
This is what is meant to be.
I just feel like wow.
All nails hammered into the coffin.
I, I just can't believe it.
I remember when we were young and crazy about each other and I still have both rings he gave me.
I remember all the promises.
The rings that were supposed to represent Hope and Faith.
He was the only man I ever said "I love you" to.
And now he has a daughter.
Why do I feel like this?

On October

Felt like October went by quickly. 

Which reminds me of http://divinephoenix1.blogspot.com/2011/01/assignment-1.html

How the month of October may forever remind me of Friday October 13th 2006 

which brings me to my next point...

I was in the shower thinking about how we all just behave so mindlessly it seems

what the hell is the point really?

Moving about with the same routines day in and day out 

It's just so pointless, useless

people are such emotional creatures

and sometimes I wonder why I didn't die that day 

when my heart was racing over two hundred thirty beats per minute

what kept me here when I still to this day don't even really care to be here

Nothing really changed about my mindset

So what I decided to eventually stop playing with razor blades

but that was on my own

I grew out of that, eventually it got boring 

and it wasn't enough 

more and more and more and that fucking feeling 

that burn and rawness of flesh

God it disgusts me now when I think about it

although

I won't say I haven't thought about it though since I "stopped"

because I am impulsive at times

it is an unhealthy mindset, yes sure

I've always been a terribly morbid creature

I've always been attracted to darkness

and my own darkside

It is all I have ever known

all I have learned to embrace

but why not? 

I'm feeling lifeless again

Life being sucked right out of me

like I'm floating down into the bottom of the ocean

but I don't ever fight that feeling

craving sleep

craving darkness

isolation

&

numbness

blah 

Anyways

I have only ever dropped everything and gone running to two people in my life.

I still feel a type of way about them both individually.
Although I don't actually talk to either of them but that is fine for me.
I can't say that I would salvage either relationship though.
I would not save anyone that has come and gone through my life.
Everyone you meet, you meet for a reason. They are either a blessing or a lesson.
I have had more lessons than blessings but I'm getting there.

I don't often talk about "love" out in the open.
I don't believe that it's meant to be perfect.
Sometimes that's what makes something beautiful, imperfection.
I've never been one to be optimistic
but I will say that it will come at the right time with the right person
even if it doesn't come slap me in the face.

But for now I am tired of people throwing their emotional baggage at me.
It's draining.
These last couple of weeks especially.
I am glad that as of last night I am feeling much better.

And I am also back to being The Peach

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

"Tell me I'm your national anthem..."

Blue Jeans

I feel like every so often I get into erratic relationships.
I've  been listening to nothing but Lana Del Rey and it reminds me of B who has now given up on calling me it seems which is perfectly fine. He had a court date for yesterday and now one for January of 2014, he will have been locked up a whole year soon.  This music reminds me of what it was like to feel that way. The entire album.
That horrid ache down in my chest that tempts me to scream at night.

And then there was an email I received at 11:20pm from someone else stating:
"I miss you Renai, it hurts to talk to you but it kills me to not talk to you. You're all I think about and all I want. I'm not happy without you. I want to hold you again and kiss you. I want to make up for everything and treat you like you should be treated. You are the only one that has ever truly understood me and I've made a real genuine connection with."

Alas, how terrible it is that I don't believe it.  And even if I remotely did...I have no feelings left for or towards him. He missed out.  Pushed me away when I wanted to be closer multiple times.  I can't even look back now.  Maybe if we had a deeper connection but to me we didn't.  I was just his muse to pass the time.  I'm not even his "type" as he had once told me. Well, too bad so sad.

One of my closest friends who had already been diagnosed with cancer before found something suspicious on his body which is tripping me out at the moment.  I know that me not having followed up on my own cancer scare is bad enough but I don't know what I would do especially after my antics last week of trying to push him out of my life because feelings scare me.

That argument we had, it was the first time I actually cried in a long while it felt kind of refreshing strangely.  He was absolutely right.  I have no right to be Captain Cutthroat at times when it comes to people who actually care even if I am blind to it which sometimes I am blind.  I find fault and motives and run away.  I wasn't telling him why I actually came out of no where and said "we can't be friends anymore" I also partially blame hormones, maybe that's why I was crying too.  I don't really know, anyways I have fires to work on putting out. -____-

Fears recited

I am scared to have unreciprocated feelings.
I am scared I will want too much, expect too much, and do too much.
I want and need to be held.
I have never been close to someone of the opposite sex for so long up except as a pen pal.

What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of giving a person more than they deserve.
I am afraid of caring too much.
I am afraid of being left high and dry.
I am afraid of being left for someone else without my dignity.
I am afraid of feelings.

I just want to love and be loved.
I just want a simple life.

I have considered risking these fears.
Honestly I rather not, I rather run.

The reason you can't be in a relationship is to protect yourself, Regardless of if we're really good for each other or could be or have been all along. Regardless of my intent.

The reason I run is to protect myself. Regardless of whether you're good for me to keep around or if you care about me. Regardless of your intent.

Same

I was in the shower truly thinking..."I am the same lonely girl that I have been my entire life..." I don't know when this shit will ever end.

On another note.
I know certain people have not changed, I know just by their character that they haven't changed.

Trying to fool me.

I'm smarter than that.

No regrets

I don't call because all you do is drill me as to when am I coming back. And to be truthful I don't know. That's why I avoid you.

That's all you ever do and I don't have the answer. I may never have the answer.

Captain, captain...I don't need the pressure. I know how you feel but

Numerate never denominate that's why I can't reciprocate...
your feelings. 

It's just the shit that I'm used to.
Not my intent to bruise you.
I don't want to abuse you.
So I take to the sea and be on my way.

And I know you don't understand.
I know you don't comprehend.

And now you asking me why it is
And how it is and when did my feelings change

But my feelings never changed.
Dueces wild Dueces wild baby.
Nobody told you to invest in me.