Blue Jeans

I feel like every so often I get into erratic relationships.
I've  been listening to nothing but Lana Del Rey and it reminds me of B who has now given up on calling me it seems which is perfectly fine. He had a court date for yesterday and now one for January of 2014, he will have been locked up a whole year soon.  This music reminds me of what it was like to feel that way. The entire album.
That horrid ache down in my chest that tempts me to scream at night.

And then there was an email I received at 11:20pm from someone else stating:
"I miss you Renai, it hurts to talk to you but it kills me to not talk to you. You're all I think about and all I want. I'm not happy without you. I want to hold you again and kiss you. I want to make up for everything and treat you like you should be treated. You are the only one that has ever truly understood me and I've made a real genuine connection with."

Alas, how terrible it is that I don't believe it.  And even if I remotely did...I have no feelings left for or towards him. He missed out.  Pushed me away when I wanted to be closer multiple times.  I can't even look back now.  Maybe if we had a deeper connection but to me we didn't.  I was just his muse to pass the time.  I'm not even his "type" as he had once told me. Well, too bad so sad.

One of my closest friends who had already been diagnosed with cancer before found something suspicious on his body which is tripping me out at the moment.  I know that me not having followed up on my own cancer scare is bad enough but I don't know what I would do especially after my antics last week of trying to push him out of my life because feelings scare me.

That argument we had, it was the first time I actually cried in a long while it felt kind of refreshing strangely.  He was absolutely right.  I have no right to be Captain Cutthroat at times when it comes to people who actually care even if I am blind to it which sometimes I am blind.  I find fault and motives and run away.  I wasn't telling him why I actually came out of no where and said "we can't be friends anymore" I also partially blame hormones, maybe that's why I was crying too.  I don't really know, anyways I have fires to work on putting out. -____-