Fear of Floods

I wasn't expecting today to go the way it did, maybe let alone yesterday or anything or day for that matter.
It wasn't even twenty four hours that I've been "single" and I could feel somewhat of a boom happen..like the flood gates were let open.  It started with the phone number I was given.  And then someone else that always asks me too many questions and he walked in on my mom and I having a conversation and the whole why are you sad and then it was like "oh what you're single..I'm gonna find a way to waste time in here with you" basically.  And then another who was asking if it was his turn to have a chance with me cause all he'd ever asked me for was a chance.  Talk about overwhelming.  Especially because one was talking about wrapping his arms around me and I'm thinking to myself "oh God no."

Then I realized a reflection in ways of B in my most recent ex...the one who hurt me was trying to comfort me, sit there and hold me while I sat there heartbroken..crying.  I had to force myself to get up and leave.  It's oddly enough comforting in a fucked up way.  And also I realized earlier that there are a type of people out there who need  to drink excessively before they destroy someone else but that only when they know they have to do it for their own reasons.  And the shift in attitude when that happens as well.  I didn't know that B wasn't the only one like that.

What I don't understand was why tell me that I'm not alone and then leave me. Especially while I have a world of madness around me and I needed that, I needed to be kept grounded. It's got me messed up.  And then others seemingly malicious intent.  Okay maybe I took that a step too far but it feels like an attack to me. Because I am vulnerable. But at the same time the attention doesn't always seem too bad.

And then there was a shift in my own mood. I was sad pretty much all morning, cried a bit this morning then late in the afternoon it switched, I felt anger. I felt like he copped out.  I'm not typically one to quit and my gut instinct tells me there was more to it.  I know better and my gut instinct has never been wrong.  My sarcasm..my anger..my defense mechanism.  There is a fit of rage in my heart and its unhealthy but that's my way of knowing just how much it meant to me...my feelings crept up on me and I can appreciate that because it is rare in me to let a person get a real hold of something tangible in me and that in its self if dangerous.  I have learned that the hard way.

So when I was told by one of the guys today that it'd be worth it to let me let him hold me and blah blah blah winky face and shit.  That's all bad. That's not me.  I can't do that. I'm still so sad inside. More than I really should be...according to me.

I feel lost in things.  I wasn't expecting the flood of tears. I wasn't expecting the flood of emotion.  I wasn't expecting the flood of interaction.  I just don't know at all right now.