Doing It Wrong

This lil bit is from last Friday I believe. "I have a good good heart when it comes to those important to me. I have never claimed to be pure. I am human. I am inherently contentious of conscious decisions or its it the other way around, I wonder. But do note that it is duly noted that I do not specify whether i am referring to that of my own or others."

On to other things.

So B is in jail right now facing 4 criminal charges..

1. Domestic Battery By Strangulation
2. Kidnapping 1st Degree
3. Battery With A Deadly Weapon
4. Carrying a Concealed Weapon

It seems almost crazy to me that this all happened over the weekend, he had just spoken to me on Friday.  I spoke to two of his Auntie's yesterday they both said he had her get naked and then he strangled her (Keisha) with a phone charger cord.  I don't know what it is between himself and Keisha that would make him act like that.  He and I never got into it, I've been plenty angry with him but nothing even remotely close to violence.  Okay so I did see him kick a cat once but still.  He never ever raised his voice let alone a hand when It came to me.

I remember one time we were riding around the three of us and the two of them were arguing and I just sat there listening.  She didn't know when to just be quiet.  I'm no push over but sometimes you just need to be quiet for the sake of the argument.  & I hate to argue especially if it's over something stupid or menial.

That fool. I don't know what his deal is..he looks to me for help but I'm like "well, what the hell you want me to do" and he says "everything would've been alright had I just stayed with you" UHHHH YA THINK? All of his family knew that when he was with me things were okay and that he'd be okay no matter where we were.  No one ever had to worry about him when he was with me.  Dumbass. Well "que sera sera" right?  I'm on to other things.

I'd like to title this one "Doing It Wrong." Because obviously he's doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong too though but in my own way.  I'm still fighting hurt feelings, sad feelings, fits of rage here and there and although I called it rage I rage only on the inside and I know it isn't healthy. My hands get hot and red.  I've been wanting to sink into these feelings with alcohol as my companion.  These dudes on the other hand...I don't know what I'm doing or trying to do. I know I won't feel any better but I just feel like I'm detached and I don't care.  I'm going out and doing whatever and don't really care.  Let's not get that twisted though mmmkay. I just feel like I'm talking to any and everyone who will talk back regardless of their intention I have none so It's just like wooooooo blahhhh.

But in a sense I am better.  I'll figure things out later cause right now it doesn't matter.

Someone just walked past my store and was like "EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL AND DON'T APOLOGIZE" That was pretty awesome haha.