Progress

Feels like progress. As much slacking as I "kind of" have been doing, it feels like progress.
Things are back in full swing. Bootcamp as much as possible (as hard as possible..as heavy as possible.) SCHOOL..school..school..school..school..school..school..school.  And work which has been the same just about 57 hours a week for the last 3 years.  Going with no breaks..just going. No matter how tired I am, no matter if I'm sick, no matter pretty much anything. Just going.  Outside of that? I don't want much outside of that at the moment. I want any free time I have to relax because I don't really have much free time at all. I'd like to spend most of it sleeping. I would say all but that doesn't always happen. Post birthday I plan on staying home and resting if I'm not at school or working or at the gym. I want results. I am determined to make the progress I wish to make.  I don't really care so much that my parents and other people arent enthused about my fitness/weight loss goals. I recently realized that some people will never be satisfied with you physically. You must strive to please yourself and yourself only. It is YOUR body. Take former video vixen Vida Guerra..absolutely stunning, hott, gorgeous woman..she became a fitness model and now she's all about fitness. I followed her on instagram and liked her page on facebook recently to see that she endures so much criticism about her body. WHAT THE HELL. People actually complain because she's "lost her booty." It's INSANE! She looks phenomenal. And it kinda reminds me of a lot of the ish I've been hearing lately due to my own endeavors. And don't get me wrong I'm no Vida, but if even someone as beautiful as she is criticized then it only makes sense that people are going to talk crap to me. I don't know if I said that right...but yall out there know what I mean.  I know what I mean.  I'm happy thus far with my PROGRESS. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ever so shrinking ass. HAHA.

I woke up to a few messages from B last night but I was asleep so oh well with that.
For a while I had debating telling one of my friends something (that is now in the past) for some odd reason I felt like mentioning it. I had asked a different friend a while ago about it and they told me I shouldn't bother but I decided to yesterday. Felt better for that too. You know how it is when you have that compelling feeling and you're just biting your tongue and it's all forced and you want to just blurt it but you don't. Better now that it's all in the past anyways cause it doesn't/didn't matter now anyways. Look at me rambling! I'll leave this one alone..

What I do know is that I'm sore and my head has been hurting off and on today. BLEH. I just want to lay in my bed and listen to The Weeknd.

Understanding

Anyways...
It's funny that we live in a world today where honesty is not appreciated.
In that case..
Go on then..hate me, dislike me, have choice words for me because I decided not to be that person to sit back and lie and drag you through hell and not give a damn like another person would/could.
Go on..take back all the nice things that were said and that you wanted to help and yadda ya..One lesson that will come in time is UNDERSTANDING.
Because a TRULY understanding person would never change who they are or the things they have said out of emotion. Really though. Could it be worse oh yes very very very much so..but I am not that person.
And I am not going to feel any type of way because I am me. I know me. I know my likes..my dislikes..what I want and what I NEED.

But what I will say..is that you are appreciated. You and who I accepted you for are appreciated and all of the good qualities and admirable qualities and rare qualities you possess are appreciated. That will NOT change. I don't really care what you or anyone else has to say in response to that cause this is MY blog where I will say whatever I damn well please..MMMKKAY.

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/virgo.htm

Oh and on to other things..
I am indeed a curious creature..oh well.
I am at peace with who I am as a person..& I love myself. WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I just pray that everyone else can do the same.

So dumb dumb called on Monday. It was nice to hear from him and that things with Keesh are going well. I'm glad he's keeping out of trouble.

And there is a particular other someone who I was quite peeved with and I still am kinda actually..seriously if you're going to be a hoe just fucking be a hoe out in the open stop trying to lie about it because you're making yourself look like an idiot trying to hide it. I'm just sayyyyying. One day all of your bull nana is going to catch up and bite you REALLY hard in the ass.


WELL..
:p Happy Friday everyone

The Knowing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsdmtOYtxNk

Her body is wrapped in long pale blue drape like cloth
her straight long brown hair flowing in the blue grey water
she's trying to swim
all the while sinking
feet bound by chains
he's trying to hold onto her
she's trying to get away
arms slowly gracefully flailing about
she wants to break free
she's trying to kick her feet but
she remains stagnant
bubbles escaping from her nose..

you ever watch the way a body moves under water?
it is so graceful..so slow..so traceable..almost calculated..rhythmic


how silent everything is in the water..
when I think about the water I hear no noise
yet there is usually a struggle

I feel myself fighting..
resisting
struggling

I want to sink into the blue
without the fight..

From Mars

From yesterday Morning.. This shit puts me on another level, to be honest it was a level I feared..for months. I don't fear it any more. It strikes that dull ache no more. Actually I lied, it does..shit feels like absinthe..cept I've grown used to the burn. Anyways.. I've been in my head again, a lot. Off and on. It's kind of easier when it's off though..like that light switch. I feel like come next week when school starts everything is going to get turned up a whole bunch of notches. I'm going to have to regain some serious focus. And even more so lately I want to be alone. I wasn't ready. Maybe, just maybe that's why I'm back at peace with the music.

On Kindness

So two days ago I got a text from an unknown number but who else would it be but B..I thought luckily I was asleep..so there were three messages the last saying "do you hate me that much :("  I waited and contemplated even responding. Eventually I text back saying I was sleeping. Then the usual, what are you doing today yadda ya.  Anyways this is the rundown...He and Keesha had been out on the street for two days and wanted to know if I could take them to the bus terminal in Phoenix so they could buy their tickets to Vegas and if I would let them each take showers and wash some clothes.  Now keep in mind...I've been harboring some fairly ill willed feelings towards them? Maybe not them but definitely towards him.  I've always kept my word though..once I had said "do not worry about me getting mad or upset because that's just me letting my emotions get to me and that I'll always be okay"

So as I went to go get them I was saying to myself "please don't let my anger get the best of me.." over and over.  I got there and he called cause he couldn't find where I was and I gave him nothing but attitude and he was like please don't be mad. But I mean oh well right?  So it was a pretty much silent ride to the bus terminal and a LONG ride too.  Then he went in to buy their tickets and she went to buy herself a fountain drink at circle k then they got back in the car.. then the arguing began all because I asked "where are WE going to go" and he turned around and asked her where SHE was going to go.  HIS fault. She got mad grabbed everything and started walking. SIDENOTE: She thought me n him were going to take off without her and that I'd bring him back later (like old times) :/

Anyways..He said he was just going to wait at the bus stop and that I could go.  I started driving and caught up to her I was like "come on" she was like "oh he's not going with you?" I told her.."hey look, I said where are WE going..so just come on" He had eventually started walking over to us anyways. He got in too and I started driving. Why did I do that? I just couldn't see that just being it like "okie dokie thats it" especially I knew they'd already been roaming around and wanted to be able to just relax and get out of the sun. I'd already gone that far with them so I just was like whatever.

We get to my house they both took showers and washed their clothes and played some Black Ops and charged their phone and went through some listings on craigslist. We were killing time because their bus wasn't leaving til 1:45am.  It actually wasn't a bad day at all. They had pretty much stopped arguing and we all got along fine after the first hour haha.  So at the end of the night I took them to the bus stop and gave them twenty bucks to go get themselves something to eat because I knew they'd only eaten once in the last two days.  He hugged me and said "love you..really though" and then she hugged me too.  They both said thank you and went on their way.  Of course Tupac- "Ain't mad at cha" would be playing on my Pandora. So on my drive home I was crying a little bit haha. I found it ironic because through ALL THE BULLSHIT I'm not mad..I'm okay. I'm still a good friend. I still was there when no one else was..even through my emotions. I mean yeah I know I had blocked him but I knew that if he really NEEDED to get in touch with me he'd find a way. And that'll be the last time I'll see them.

Ya know as messed up as the whole situation has been between the three of us and as difficult as yesterday was for me and as awkward and as mad I was and as much as they don't deserve my help I'm glad I did. And I feel better today.

One friend told me that I was the bigger person for having done what I did, and someone else told me it's good for my soul.  I'm not sure about anyone else's opinions but I can say that it feels much better now having put my feelings aside than holding that grudge and that sadness and that anger that I'd been cradling and holding onto so dearly.

Thank you

I would like to take the time right now to reflect on a few things I have learned and gain from my last relationship/experience...so here it goes..
Thank you..
I want to thank you for showing me a side of the world I never knew existed because I have lived such a sheltered life you brought me the closest I've ever been to danger all the while protecting me from physical danger at the same time. I've learned a good deal about manipulation as well.  I can say that I have learned quite quite quite a bit from the experience all in all over the last 2 years and some change. I feel so bittersweet about it.

At the same time, I feel more cautious towards how I handle my emotions and being emotional in general.  I feel a general disinterest for most people at the present time.  I also find that the majority of people feel the same way by that I relate that to the fact that I've deactivated my facebook and no one's noticed (not that it matters) but that's what I'm realizing. These things are things that truly do not matter. "Social Networking"  I've frankly given up most effort to connect with others because they are so false and there is no such thing as Genuine anymore.  As one of the books I'm reading states..."people are only interested in themselves." They only like talking about themselves and don't care too much for what other people have to say.

On another note...

An incident happened with a man in my store acting out talking about "I'm fine..and he wants to take me to a church and get married" and all kinds of wild talk. My mom told her boyfriend and he had the nerve to say "what is it with these stupid niggers hitting on her, tell that nigger to go hang from a tree somewhere" I felt really really really uncomfortable by him saying that.  There really is no need for it regardless of what color or what race anyone is.  It's fucking dumb.

So it seems I am waiting for something unexpected to happen. Frantz says to stop waiting for a guy on a horse and I don't think I am but, someone would be nice.  Someone different...that'd actually spark a real curiosity in me and feel the same way.  That I can just get a long with in multiple facets.  That wants to know how I am and how my day is going and will actually be concerned or give a damn.  That's was the last straw with B..not giving a damn that I was feeling hurt and upset. Probably one of the worst things someone I care about could do to me and the surest way to erase me out of their life.  Some have said they have tried to get close to me but I just push back or push away. Then I don't feel right about it and the only thing I can do is apologize. At the same time SOOOOOOOOO many people come off wrong and ruin a good thing. A friend of mine, that was always only a friend to me, that I had never done anything more than hugged, asked me when he found out I was single back in February if we could be friends with benefits...talk about taken aback.  I felt like was this the motive all this time? Was this what our friendship would succumb to? I didn't want that..I wasn't looking for that, not from him at least.  And don't get me wrong he's a very attractive person but..just..no.  You don't just take things "there."  And although I said no and he understands I just wouldn't be comfortable being around him anymore. Like at all. Sorry? I'm not sure if I should be.

Anyways I've had enough talking for now. Ta Ta..

More from the stars

Mayan Day Sign: Crocodile 
You are aggressive, but also protective, energetic, creative and initiating. You have a personal power that must be used creatively or you may become dominating. You are often constantly working to maintain the emotional integrity of your world. Your instincts are unusually strong. Besides possessing a powerful maternal instinct, you may also be genuinely psychic. Those who have a close relationship with you sometimes notice your tendency to dominate others in a parental way. Crocodile personalities are also extremely sensitive and touchy, and you may have a tendency to be defensive. On the other hand, you can be among the most critical and fussy persons known. If you don't have any children of your own, you will seek outlets by establishing nurturing relationships with people, pets and even plants. The maternal instincts of female Alligator types, for example, can be powerful.