Memories

From earlier today..

Have you ever felt like there was a perfect moment that would never change, a single moment that would be embedded in your mind. A happy memory. 
Crazy how things can change. People change, emotions change, minds change. The speed of which seems faster than the speed of light. In a simple instant everything you once knew and were so accustom to is gone..whether you like it or not in most cases. The intricacies of the human spirit, it goes beyond comprehension. Maybe it's not so crazy and more so just a way of life.

From a couple of days ago...something happened but I feel it's better not to talk about it for now let that shit lie in the dirt.  

Been thinking about shit with B lately.  He's been calling me off the hook like every day but I just can't afford to talk to him.  I read a story from class that reminded me of him.  The story was about a girl who was in love with a guy even though she had eventually found out he was a manipulative monster and in the end he's dying and she ended it with "I would have saved you if I could" 

I thought back to the day B's family was moving back to Vegas and how he didn't know if he was going to go with them or not, even though all of his things were on the moving truck.  That day we had helped his family and then he told his dad he was going to stay. He was going to stay. For me. Or so he said. Around a month later he left me. It was Valentine's day so I'll never forget it.  He said he had to go to Vegas to get custody of his daughter because she was being kept by Child protective services and Keesha was in jail because their daughter had a bad burn on her arm.  He had asked me that if he got his daughter if I'd help him with her and you know like a dummy I was like yeah of course. Because I thought we were going to actually try to make us work this time.  

Which takes me further back to new years.  We had went to Zoo Lights Zoo Years Eve and then tried to catch the ball drop with his family but we got to the house late haha. I remember his dad being drunk and telling me that if me and his were going to try that we would have to do it whole heartedly.  As in if B was going to stay I would have to try and find a way to be with him or well live with him.  Because I seemed to be the only person who could get to him.  It'd always been that. It was always me me me me me.  

Eventually after he decided to not come back his parents basically told me to let him go.  There was no saving him.  They were sick of his shit.  He lied to everyone saying he was going to try and get his daughter but instead went straight back to Keesha.  

I was finished.  And to think he had the nerve to come back to Arizona without their daughter but with Keesha.  And ask me for help. 

The fact that now, today he is in jail and it's supposedly Keesha's fault. And he wonders why I won't write. The fuck? 

He just doesn't get it,  and he dared to say "I love you" the last time I saw him, in front of her even.  I felt complete and utter disgust at that.  

There's no hope for him. And like in Alex's piece from school..."I would have saved you if I could" 

I really tried with him.  

Lately shit has been kind of a mess.  Emotionally I'm trying to be this stoic person. This hard ass.  And don't get me wrong I think I have been. But it gets lonely in a way.  I've been spending a great deal of time with someone who is what seems to me kind of emotionally reserved or disconnected so it makes it kind of difficult and awkward for me.  I don't know how to feel really.  It's like I can't really feel anything from him on a deeper level. Which strikes me as kind of good and kind of bad.  Part of me is saying...this is a waste of time and to keep moving.  Part of me doesn't know and thinks that'd be the hasty thing to do.  In reality I think it probably is a waste of time and we are both just killing time because we really do enjoy each others company but that is about it.  

This has been causing me to have these roller coaster-ish type of emotions.  I'm okay sometimes, content and other times it's like GAH! Why can't you just give me more. I'm not talking labels, I'm talking MORE...a figurative kind of more.  I kind of can't put a finger on it.  I need more feeling but he lacks feeling.  I usually do lack feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep my mouth shut right now about it.  I think eventually it'll come out.  It has to.  Things always do.  

That's enough for now cause this battery is about to die on my handy dandy chromebook.