Blast off..

Dynasty. I haven't talked about him in so long.  Pretty sure he hasn't come up as a subject of this blog just yet. Or it's been a very long time. I normally wouldn't refer to him as "Dynasty" because that's who he was when we first met. Man it was so long ago.  So young and naive.  LOML. The shit we went through. Anyways. We ended up eventually growing apart after the bullshit and the drama and me moving and him leaving for Korea.  It had gotten to the point where he didn't talk to me or he BARELY did.  If he did it was usually to scold me for not making a car payment on time or something related to our car loan.  So it is to my understanding that he's home now..for now and that he'll be off to Texas soon.  Any anyways..I had a couple missed calls from him and immediately thought "Oh what are you going to yell at me for now!" Me being stuck at work I sent him a text like look I'm working right now. He texted me back saying that we need to talk. I told him if he's going to yell at me for anything I don't want to talk to him.  A few hours later he told me to shut up and that it was something else and that he's "okay" with me now. -___- honestly I think that's bullshit. He only ever wants to scold me and would rather have nothing to do with me but is unfortunately stuck with me in for the time being at least til I finish paying off the car.  ::Sigh::  so I let him know I wearily can try to call him when I get out.  We'll see I suppose. If he starts on me I'll probably just hang up. I don't want to deal with it. 

So a few days ago I talked to B..told me he was thinking about me or rather he heard a weeknd song and it reminded him of me.  Then Thursday afternoon he called me venting, which I don't mind although he kept saying "I know you don't care" over and over.  I mentioned briefly the state that I'm in where I just can't/don't want to be involved with anyone pretty much in any way shape or form.  He said it's because "He's my guy" or "He's the one for me" or some retarded bull na na like that.  

On to other things. 

I'm waiting on my XO hoodie to come in the mail. That shit is lost in the mail.  :( 

Strawberry Swing

What will it take to bring me back..
I wish I could spend a whole day in my bed
bury myself in my blanket
close my eyes and just be sleep with out my feelings..
get the fuck up out my bed
who invited you here..
leave me be
let me rest
stop fighting me
stop keeping me
stop waking me..
If only I could replace you with beautiful peaceful dreams of tomorrow
Could you give me space?
A pillow for my heavy mind..and what with this heavy heart?
Frank says in the background.."We all try..we all try.."

I don't write love songs, I don't write songs about love..
this is heartache..this comes straight outa heartache
this comes straight outa heartbreak..
Because you can't hold onto sand forever
and I could not hold your hand forever..
we could not walk this path together
and here I am alone.

Empty as a hollow shell
rotting epiphany living hell
I have not loved a thousand times
Oh but OH I have loved you well

I have been so strong so strong
and all the world has fallen apart
and fallen around me
and fallen upon me

and oh how I have fought
I have fought fights upon end
through things I could not stand
you should know..
you should truly know

that I have loved you well..
baby I have only loved you well

such a beautiful deep red rose
whose thorns had left my hands full of blood
whose petals would wilt and fall
such ravenous pain
my God I have loved you well..

Outer Space

I'm not quite sure what made me think of it besides rolling around sleepily in my bed..I jotted a few lines

"scariest thing is..I'm not sure if I truly know how to love a man..I have never been shown love by a man.."

Coincidence? Someone asked me the following day this question "Just say you died..you have no memory, everything is brand new. What is one thing you wish you knew from a previous life?" My answer was love from a father. Really random and well yeah.


Reflection...

He mentioned one thing that reminds him of me..oddly enough I don't remember what it was. I told him lots of things remind me of him.

I've given in to the darkness.

I remember that day, in November or was it December..actually December it was. I hate that feeling..that omniscient sense that I've never had with anyone else. I was so sad. You said you would stay. How did I know you were going? The shit thats left unsaid. My heartache.

I also really wish I could find a cure for these tension headaches...It's been going on for years..I want them to go away for good.

What is it that makes one "awe inspiring" ever have someone look at you and you can tell the sheer...I can't think of the word for it but that LOOK in their eye..they hang on your every word. You are about to go about to go on your way and they don't want you to leave so they keep talking although by this time they make it look awkward and you realize this so it's funny to you.