Territory

So you think it's important now..to want to prove a point to me. By trying to "mark" your territory. Didn't I tell you, you clown..that all you do is juggle. You said you only juggle three well who is the third? Got me wondering now. You said it's actually "multi-tasking" and not juggling though.  Do you realize you are asking quite a great deal of me. What do I say now? 

I think it's funny that suddenly it is so important to you or at least you want to pretend like it's so important to you to want to "claim" me..claim her..claim whoever. You can't go around peeing on every tree it just doesn't work like that. Why because you fear you'll really lose me to someone else? Because I told you that you don't deserve that crown that I gave you. 

You said if she leaves you're going to go too and that you're not gunna go without me too, I told you this three's company thing isn't going to work. I value myself way more than that whether she can learn from me or not that's not MY place and I refuse to be the teacher.  I'm not sure how she feels about it but maybe just maybe she and myself should sit down and have a discussion (so long as she makes up her mind as to whether she wants to fight me/hate me/befriend me/whatever) cause this is rather ridiculous. 

I really believe the antics are cause you don't want me to have anyone else possibly replacing what I had once felt for you. Can't you see that it's too late? Too late to try and show me you want me now. Too late to talk shit about running away together because when I was ready..when I was holding YOU down I found out I was only holding myself down. Fuck the bull na na. Where do we go from here. 

Trouble

Surprisingly in a great mood today although I did get into it with Tom last night. he didn't want me to go out and was breaking bottles outside trying to get me to stay home. I took off anyways. The way to communicate with me is not through yelling and violence and breaking shit.  I do not respond well to those things. I would really hope to someday find someone as laid back as myself. I don't see myself ever being someone who resorts to that kind of behavior when they don't get their way.

I had a good evening anyways, kicked it with the homie (no not B) had somethin I was sippin on and we walked around the neighborhood and got lost actually and I had to pee so freaking bad and it was pretty late so nothing was open.

Just a random side thought...I miss the good side of the Hawaiian fam..the kids I mean. As much as i dislike children certain children are okay. Those kids I don't mind one bit. And there were so many of em too haha. It makes me miss all my family back home and all the kids there, well they are starting not to be kids anymore. My lil cousin will be starting high school soon and I mean seriously how time flies, I remember the day she was born literally like it was yesterday. I guess a good amount of time has passed since then though.

My thoughts...my thoughts...my thoughts..my thoughts..honestly. It feels good to let go. It feels good to be free and it's been so long since I could come out of my external skin.  I try not to be trouble. I try not to be troubled. This troubled troubling life and all the things that go with it. Just these thoughts that keep racing..racing with me and running with me..troubling me. I have never been much of a trouble to most I would say. I have tried to help the troubled even. There are troubled minds I can't ease...and troubled hearts I can't reach. I only do my good deeds. Or what seems good just to me? Fuck trouble. There I go rambling again..

For whom the bell tolls

(yesterday evening)
Fuck all that god damn noise..
The bells, whistles, and all that happy horse shit. The fuck I look like for one..I can't trust yo ass for shit..which is why I said you might "pinch my sack" or shoot me how ever you would want to take it. I can't keep taking the blows you deal to me and still seek comfort from you, it makes no sense.

Maybe im just not strong enough. I can't seem to do it. This push pull back and fourth. I put up a good fight today though. Do I continue fighting it, do I push myself and you away. I don't want to see the end of this story..there is no way it will end except tragically for me. I don't know if I should run, I'm sad..I'm lost...I always end up alone, which is why I feel so bitter.

(Today)
Anyways yesterday I had five missed calls from B and then later when he finally got in touch with me I had nothing but attitude towards him and I was just asking him what kind of favor or what did he need help with. He didn't like my attitude but I picked him up anyways attitude and all just so I could have some company. He told me I was being "off" and wanted to know why..I didn't really want to get into my feelings cause I'm on my "fuck the world" ish right now. Anyways he played black ops and I watched the whole time then we just sat talking..he had a whole lot on his mind..and I couldn't believe he tried to come at me on some sideways shit like I helped contribute to whatever issues he's having now. HAH. I was irked by that because he was like they knew you came to see me or talked to me in jail after I had asked you not to say anything but it's like hello you don't think people can piece that shit together for themselves. Anyone that even remotely knows you..or remotely knows me would probably know that shit or figure that out, even if I did deny it or had an alibi.

It was hot and he took off his shirt and we were talking about his tan lines because I had noticed he had gotten quite a bit of color since the last time I had seen him.  I took his shirt and put it over his face/eyes so he couldn't see. Don't ask me why..but from there I just ran my fingers up and down his arm. He said "you abuse me" O.O whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? I was like wow what the hell,way to jump to the conclusion that I was going to go farther than that. I was super bothered by that so I took it off him and left him alone.

Oh so excuse me that I sit here and listen to all your stupid ass problems and issues that you have with everyone and want you just to shut up and relax sometimes. I rarely ever get to enjoy him in a relaxed state of mind. It's so frustrating. It's like shut up and go to sleep.

Then he was like if that's how you're going to be towards me I don't think I would ever talk to you again. SHEESH. I was not going to rape you. Holy Shit. Then I listened to him talk some more blah blah blah he talked a lot..I took him home he was saying how if I'm working against him he doesn't want to talk to me blah I got upset..more blah..He was like why are you upset? Why are you crying? and I was like I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT STICK BY YOU AND YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING NERVE. He hugged me and told me to chill out and left. BLAH. haha.

I wish he would leave..I wish he and Keesha would move somewhere else.

I'm just most irked by how much shit he talked to me while he was in jail about how much he missed me and blah dee dah and now he's treating me like he is.

I'm going to explain what I meant earlier in the first paragraph. Right after I picked him up he asked me if I would be around him if he had a gun. I said well as long as you don't shoot me. He was like wow, how can you say that. That's like saying "don't pinch my sack (of bud) because that person is pinching it" it's like a guilt trip kind of. I was like no nigga just cause you say one thing do something else how do I know you might say "no of course not" and do the opposite. Just like you cheated on me..or did you forget that because now we're just friends. He was like we crossed a line past friendship already it's like yeah but now you are trying to take steps backwards. I'm starting to feel like I can actually do what I was meant to and let you not mean shit to me.

Yeah here, gone..who gives a fuck. I'ma do me with or without you like I said..because at least now I can. He said the problem with people is that they don't let the past go, because they don't they can't move forward. It's like no, what you don't understand about the world is that you can't go treading on people and say sorry, can we move forward and expect things to be okay. You can't keep fucking up and expect things to be O-kay. This is reality. Shit is not okay. Your behavior is not O-fucking-kay. What don't YOU understand. This is why people don't fuck with you or want to fuck with you. I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I waste my damn time. I fight myself constantly. He made a point to say that he's been with me 3 out  of the 4 days I've had off in the last two weeks. I'm wondering why am I wasting it with someone who doesn't give two fucks about me and if I'm O-fucking-kay. He thanks himself for me hating the world. I'm aggravated. But it is my own doing. Thank you Thank you I know I know and I will not be told. But at least I don't point the finger at anyone for that. I have the mirror for that.

I could keep going but that's all for now.

One thing I had forgotten to mention that I want to make a mental note of was something he told me he said to Wiggs (a friend of mine that he tatted last week)

"One thing I like about you is that although you can't relate, you understand. Keesha on the other hand can relate but doesn't understand"

S.M.I. Rantings

(A rant I went on last night after having woken due to my Sleep Maintenance Insomnia)

I had always been your savior and protector.
I stepped down from the position in acquisition
to being my own savior and protector and placing my faith in my own cautious yet oh so caustic righteous divine being.

Woe is me, the wounds once felt soaked in vinegar,  I  have always chased such things with honey.

Another wakeful night..o amorous sleep I beckon you stay with me longer..I beseech thee. Keep my grazing mind lofty with dreams. Dreams of peacefulness, of love, of happiness.

Tis the poet that has awoken in the night quietly and quickly taking note of prose yet aware to not wake the the mistress, the master of the house. Because the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Armor For Sleep- Car Underwater

This is going to sound a lil redic..but maybe all I need is..touch. I say this because I was in a mood all day but when a particular someone (not B) came up behind me at the trash can I realized my mood changed. Although he put his finger to my head and said "you couldve just got shot girl" I didn't connect it until I was driving home and noticed my improved mood. I was thinking about when B asked me if I thought I could tolerate him and I know I told him previously that I could but emotionally I think I just can't do it. Although I would be glad if he would just hold me for a while. I don't know why. Stupid though if you ask me and would probably only make things worse for me emotionally. I have a feeling I won't be hearing from him..I wouldn't mind it though. It would be nice to get other things done although first I need a clear head. It will come..it will come..it will come.

Captain Cutthroat.
That's who I have to be.
Fuck you.
Not me.
(:

Butcher

"They'll never take me alive, I'm gettin high with my four-five.."

So like the good friend that I am, I picked up this fool yesterday and brought him to his homies crib so he could tat him up, it took the entire day.

His boy Angel was getting tatted across his hands "Bitches ain't shit butt hoez and tricks" That was the exact spelling & I know it's incorrect.

I spoke to my friend Kait back east and she was telling me how she was feeling upset about things with a guy and guys with general and me being bored as hell kinda decided to go off on a rant which added to the funk that I was in.

I got home and was emotionally in a bad way felt like trying to numb the way I was feeling took an ambien and rode it out. Woke up in that familiar fog, still in a mood but at least while I'm at work I'm away from everyone pretty much and don't have to worry about my idle time and idle mind.

He said he wanted to finish up the tat tomorrow but I'm thinking like look..if all you want from me is a ride to and from ya boy's house just pitch me some gas money and I'll drop you off there and leave. No point in me being there. Shit I'll even take him and her over there if that's the case. Cause me sittin there was a waste of my time and day.  I didn't say too much last night but I'll be sure to tell him the morning if he wants me to pick him up.


I also got irritated cause we were at the park and these fools had a fat one and asked if I wanted any and then B said "oh no..she's a square.." the fuck? just cause I don't like green doesn't mean I'm a square..I'M STILL A FUCKIN G..-___-


He told me he felt weird being there and I think that's why he kinda wanted someone there but I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm in the process of rebuilding. I'm rebuilding everything. I don't give a fuck. People here are really unworthy of loyalty and they thrive off back stabbing. I have to watch my own back. I was just thinking about all the bullshit we talked about when he was locked up and my nerves are just about boiling..right now it's at a simmer. Given the right circumstance it's going to go off. I've maintained my cool through A LOT. A LOT. It's pretty much an understatement and a slap in the face.

He said he's been feeling watched lately and here and there I've been kinda feeling that way too which is why I don't like that he's been giving random people MY number to get in touch with him. I don't want any dumb shit being tied back to me. But anyways it's like fuck you..I ain't ya answering service..the fuck I look like? Go ask ya GIRL to handle that shit. Oh wait..but isn't that just me getting caught up in my emotions? Yeah..which is why I bite my tongue.  I haven't gone back on that shit I once told him.  That "I'ma get mad at times but that's just me getting caught up" I HAVE to keep myself in check. Because emotions can ruin you.

Found something interesting on Kush&Wisdom:

"It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
I shouldn't care, but I do.
I should hate you, but I don't"

and this one

Life Notes:
"wanna know why I push people away? It's only because I've been hurt too many times before. So many damn people have gone in and out of my life. Some because of stupid reasons and some with no reason at all. I push people away because I'm sick and tired of it. I leave before I am left.  I leave before I get hurt again. Simple as that. Plus, if people are meant to be in my life, they'll come back. Somehow."

So pretty much I'ma lay low..not saying I haven't been but even more so if possible from the majority. I don't care for much. I love my me time when I'm zoning. I've gotta keep chuggin along. I feel like I really don't belong out here. I'm way too G for this place. Seriously though. On Monday keep in mind I had on 4in heels and boys were over here drooling..but I got the "you used to be a tomboy?" "kinda yeah, I played a lot of sports" "that's why you're bulit like that" I always get that...in NJ..out here.."that's why you're built like that" that doesn't mean I'm a tomboy..my attitude is just cause I'm a G. LOL. And there have been times I've been told I act like a dude from my guy friends..why just cause I try not to give a fuck and watch who I fuck with? Everyone should be that way in that case.

Rather ride solo. Keep a small circle..keep em all out.  Watch your own back. Never depend on anyone for anything cause everybody carries a knife.

Lol be your own butcher.

Call me Captain Cutthroat..(hence my Facebook pic)

These blogs have been kinda long lately, just quite a bit on my mind.

Zone

So after he forced her to speak to me on Saturday she was kind of speaking unwillingly. I asked her what kind of goals or aspirations she had for herself if any and she told me none, nothing. I'm not sure if it was out of anger or if she really doesn't but so be it.  I didn't speak to anyone yesterday but I received a text this morning. He was mad with me for having talked shit about him apparently while he was gone/in jail. I said to him..you act like this has not been anything you haven't brought upon yourself. It's just a shame really. He's not okay right now and I know that but all of everything that has ever happened has been because of himself. He can not blame anyone else for any of it.  He has no where to go because no one is willing to help him because all he does is use people til there's nothing left. So right now he's trying to go back to Vegas, he said his chances of survival are better out there than they are here, which brings me to my next point..They shouldn't have ever came out here. They should've stayed over there and not brought chaos here to Arizona. He says, that dumb bitch this and that sorry ass bitch that..it's like you fool, that's the woman you love. Talk all the shit you want..call her any name you want. That's all you right there. Why don't either of them understand that about each other I don't know.  I've helped all that I could I told him to try and be good, to try and not let it get to him everything that is bothering him as hard as it may seem. I don't think I can do anymore. I honestly don't care to. If you are going to sit there and not take responsibility for your actions and your behavior I can't help. I did not create this. Which is why I told him I don't need anyone. I stay in my zone ALONE. He asked if he could join me and the answer was no, you are in your own zone. I'm not part of his zone. If any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.  I realize I'm in my zone alone. He can't be a part of it, he ruined his chances.  It's good I stay this way because I don't have any problems like this. I witness problems but they are not my own.  Hopefully he makes figures out what he is going to do and what she is going to do. He said I gave him away..but really he gave me away. Now I'm adrift in the ocean carried away by the tide with signs of land. 

Rob and Lei's tires were slashed last night. It's messed up because Rob and Lei had nothing to do with this mess. I don't know what will happen now. I just plan on staying in my zone.