By my damn self

And so..the weekend came and went and bozo got out of jail aaaaaannnnnddd I haven't heard from him since. Cool cool..
I kno that nigga fucked up. He fucked up too too too many times. I just feel like with or without him ima be fine
it's to the point where if you're with me cool...if not then cool. I know how to live regardless. I know how to be happy by myself. 

Wild One

Don't judge me. Don't sit there and analyze and pick me apart. I'm just a girl. A simple girl in a big yet so small of a world. I love myself. I'm going to do what the fuck makes me happy cause I'm all I have. I will always stay true to myself. So after some pondering I've come to a conclusion. I know that he fucked up...he fucked up too too too many times. I just feel like with or without him I'm going to be fine. It's to the point where it's like, you're with me..cool. You're not with me..cool. I know how to live regardless. Feel me? Everyone keeps telling me NO NO NO DON'T DO IT yadda yadda ya but...I can't help the shit. I'm happy when I'm around him but I know how to be happy without him and actually without anyone. 


This weekend WILL be eventful. 

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Presto! It's Pesto!

Let me start off by saying that I don't appreciate naysayers.

I was recalling a conversation with a girl that is rather obese and has all kinds of health problems. My mom asked her about exercise maybe helping some of the issues she has and for everything the was an excuse.  She at one point said I work two jobs, I'm out of the house by 9am and don't get home til 10-11pm so she doesn't have the time. This really irritated me. It's like in that case Wake Up Earlier. You don't see me making excuses I get my ass up 5 days a week and go do it. And I work 12 hours a day and I go to school and lately I've been cooking. So what now? You'll just stay the way you are with all you many ailments. Wah Wah Wah..Quit crying if you don't like it..take that shit somewhere else. Oh and what gets me even more is that she was trying to tell me what kinds of things are healthy and what isn't. It's like EXCUSE ME!? Just because you have so many health problems doesn't mean you are a doctor. Frankly I'm pretty convinced in most cases you have no idea what you are saying or it doesn't apply to whoever you are attempting to "consult." 

ANYWAYS :) 

I cooked last night lemon basil pesto baked chicken...and it came out AMAZING! The pesto was made from scratch. 

My mood is pretty good today, much better than when I posted my last blog and I was really out of it. I swear a good workout can make anyone feel better. 

Would you roll in the deep?

Went for a visit early this morning. Talked all afternoon.  I finally told him that everything isn't okay between us. That you can't just wish things away just like that.  It was hard trying not to get choked up by the mere thought of things. I told him that he has hurt me far more than I believe he knows. I also told him that his misunderstandings and behavior has made me realize quite a bit. All I could keep saying is "I Don't Know.." over and over through out the conversation.  He asked me what don't I know and I told him. I don't understand why I'm still here. I DO NOT want to care about you, I DO NOT want to have feelings for you and all I'm doing is fighting myself for no reason. He was upset. And I wonder how it felt while during the visit he told me he's missed me and I didn't have anything to say. It's been such a tumultuous journey. My heart can't take anymore. He asked me to be happy but I feel just the opposite. And now I'm craving sleep.

Johnny Appleseed

Why? Why that word..that fucking word..why? UGHH knives..daggars..UGGGHHHH.. So he said "I need comfort, I need to know why you're better than keesha.." I said "whaaa, that makes no sense, I shouldn't have to do that, in fact it should be the other way around!" Anyways after dogging him some more he told me that he wants to hold me and  that he wants to sell his tv to buy us some matching J's.

Honestly..everything is a bunch a bull. He wants to get me where he wants me, I know that...to repeat the cycle.

I had to ask though, why "I'll call u in the morning, only if you love me" bull nana..he said it's cause he thinks I love him and that I just don't want to say it for fear of rejection. And that its okay to "love" him. (I gotta put that shit in quotes) but MY...WHAT A BALLSY THING TO SAY. Hmph. What I can't bear to tell him while he's in there is that that's NOT love. What we have ever had between us has never been love..mostly lies and a person I'll never be able to trust. I just couldn't really say too much. He was callin me babe and had told some dude that I was his girlfriend. Its like no...never again. I won't ever belong to you again. Is he still hung up on the "technically you never broke up with me in person" it's like what did you expect having done the one thing I said would end it all. TSK..he called me babe and was telling me he'll be thinking of me tonight and all that other happy horse shit.

And everyone else is still up my ass about his whole situation...pretending to be/make nice to find out the scoop. Fuck you's what good does it serve them knowing they aren't going to say or do anything. Tevv...we'll see.

My status on facebook that everyone liked said this..."He's tryna plant them verbal seeds in my head, I'm no gardner. Better take that Johnny Appleseed shit somewhere else."

Three Way

Last night for the first time in a while I took an ambien. It kicked in much faster than anticipated and I was really out of it trying to move about the house. Then in my daze I managed to turn on "Limitless" I have no idea why or what was happening just seeing bright colors on the tv. Talk about weird. I woke up this morning still feeling pretty tired. My phone rang around 10:30am it was a Las Vegas Phone number so I decided to answer. It was Bobby's cousin Aaron apparently Bobby knew I couldn't get in touch with him and had to figure out his aunt's phone number so that they could Three way call me. (Three way calling is not permitted but they did it anyways) I surprised they didn't catch on because the calls are heavily monitored. One time we were talking and it disconnected because it suspected a three way attempt. Anyways I proceeded to ask him what he was going to do when he was released and he said he wants to do boxing and it's like no not like that. Where are you going to go? What about your living situation? He wants to figure it out one day at a time but I'm trying to have him seriously think about what he's going to do and have a game plan but he kinda sounds like he has sex on the brain also. That's something else I keep reiterating to him. No, no, no, no, no, no. I told him you don't got it like that. You can't leave and come back in my life expecting all to be fine and dandy and that I'm just going to hand myself over to you mentally, physically, and emotionally. What the hell?
I can see how many visits he has used and available and it doesn't look like they went to go see him. Maybe they will today. I don't know if he'll listen to me but he ought to. I know whats best for him simply. It's like taking care of a big kid. Things will be okay. This will all get sorted out. With or without me.

Reverberate

I spoke to Taira today (if it was really her) asking if I went to see him. I said no and that I don't even know where he is which is obviously a blatant lie. The point?

I'm choosing to lie to THEM on purpose. Why because everyone is playing that helpless/dumb role with me and I'm going to play in my own way. If you know the answer why ask me? If you have a way of finding out what you want to know..why ask me. Go your own way. I won't be part of it. Now I am thinking though. She said she's going to see him tomorrow and I wonder because she has no license and I believe criminal charges already against her. They also have no transportation right now (unless they get a ride.) Which is going to leave one whole hour or two half hour visits.  What will happen from here I'm not really sure as I can't get back in contact with him. I guess we'll see. I'm kinda mad that I can't get back in touch with him because I'd give him a warning about their visit.  Not sure what THEY visiting him would do.

Some of the things that's happened has shown me he needs a wake up call like:
I forget what we were talking about when we did speak last and he said "Fuck you" and I said "no Fuck You" and he said "how about I Fuck you" and I said "No" he goes "did you just say no?" I'm like "um YEAH I JUST SAID NO!" wow...really?
At the end of the visit he had the nerve to ask me for a kiss obviously he didn't get and really I'd rather smack him. 

I told him to see if he can try and call me in the morning and he said only if you love me then we got disconnected. 

Anyways..I'm pretty bothered by that conversation we had last night and how it ended because it's like how dare you... even bring that word up in a sentence...OOO that really irked me.